Unhappy with my name - feminism vs family and convenience

[Backinthedress]

So I got married young and before I fully discovered feminism. I took my then-husband's name, as you do, he was keen for me to and I didn't really think about whether there even was an alternative.

A couple of decades on and I am no longer with him, but am left with his surname, which I don't particularly like, but it is the name I built a career under (less of an issues) and the surname of my two children (more of an issue), so I keep it for the convenience of dealing with all the logistics and to keep them feeling like I'm not trying to distance myself from them.

I, however, do not have strong feelings about my maiden name. Not only is that a patriarchal construct (my father's name) but it's not even got a heritage. It was changed to an appropriately English-sounding name when my father's family immigrated a couple of generations back.

I am getting remarried next year and the option to change my name is on the table. I don't want to just change it to DP's, though I'd consider double-barrelling if he did too, I want to maintain a sense of family with the kids, I don't want to go back to my father's name. None of those names feel like mine.

Do I just make something up? Do I pick one of the (very cool) names from my mother's line? Do I double-barrel with the kids' surname until they're 18 then drop that part?

Or am I just overthinking and the logistics and emotion to do with the kids isn't even an issue? I've been chewing this over since I got divorced and EXH commanded me to change my name and I stubbornly refused because it was 'my' name. It felt like it was then. It doesn't now. I don't want it.

You can do what you want (as I’m sure you know!).

For what it’s worth, here’s my experience:
I kept my own name when I got married. DH totally on board with it, would have felt odd if I’d changed to his as women in his family of his generation and some of the one before have all kept their own.

We were married with different last names for over a decade with no issues, except for the occasional person assuming our partner’s name was the same (in both directions) and one of my great grandmothers being totally bemused and insisting on calling me Mrs HusbandsLastName.

Then we decided to have kids and wanted a common family name for that. So we picked one. It’s one that has some connection to the people we are (not heritage, but joint interest and aptitude). We both changed to this family name and gave that to the kids. I had mellowed a bit in my commitment to the principle of not taking my DH’s name and did consider doing so if we couldn’t agree on one, but we found something we both liked.

However, I found the changing name at this stage a total pain and wouldn’t do it again if I had my time over. It also reinforced my commitment to not taking my DH’s name - I would definitely not do that. I’d keep my own name and insist on the kids having mine or double barreling with mine first. The whole thing impressed on me the way all the costs are put on the women with this tradition and the way, long term, women take the risks of even more cost if their relationship breaks up.

But you’ve had children under your DH’s surname, so your situation is very different and the relative costs and payoffs are much more complex for you. Whatever you do, put your needs and wants ahead of others (except, perhaps, your kids) with this one. Society plays down women’s position on this, giving all the support to men and asking nothing of them. You need to advocate entirely for yourself.

Thank you so much for your thoughts. It meant a lot to have you appreciate my concerns and take the time to reply.

I talked to DP about it. He knew I'd been pondering it, but I don't think he realised how much it was bothering me. He said much the same as you - why not just choose one that is meaningful, but involve the kids, get them to help me and let them know that when they're older that they can double-barrel with my new name and their dad's (I wouldn't put them in the position of asking their dad to do it while they need his permission. It would likely cause issues). DS had stupid ideas. DD had a good one (the name of a place). I think we'll do this, because even if it's a different name from theirs, they're involved in it and it belongs to them, too.

DP has also said if I wanted to, we could double-barrel my new name with his, so we both have the same surname and the kids could, eventually, have part of the same name as him, too. (He doesn't have any children, we're not planning any and he is whole-heartedly embracing them as his family so he likes this as an option).

I hope, if nothing else, that I set the kids a different model and challenge the social norm of automatically changing the woman's name.

Your birth name isn't your father's name, any more than your ex-husband or husband-to-be's name is their father's name. Neither is it a 'maiden name' -- that's a patriarchal idea. It's your birth name. You're not responsible for the patriarchal practices that meant your mother didn't give you her name, or both parents' surnames.

Good solution! How lovely. I’ve been pondering my name too. Took husband’s when young, 30 years ago. Still married. My DC have my family name as a middle name. I think I’d like my family back, and may do it when we retire and move. Or may even just introduce myself and use it, while not actually changing anything officially.

I agree, I was just about to type something like this when I read the op.

I'm NC with my deadbeat dad but my birth surname ("maiden name") is mine, regardless of the fact it's also his. It's been mine my whole life. I wrote it carefully on every bit of homework all through my childhood. Never even considered changing it to my dh's when we got married.

Op if you wanted to go back to your old name, I think that wouldn't be unfeminist. Choosing a new one also works.

Some ideas for choosing a new one - place you are from, family profession (if applicable). That's how the first surnames were made.

I like the sound of picking something with your kids that feels meaningful.

Your future husband #2 sounds like a massive upgrade. Congratulations!

interesting topic actually and I agree with your thoughts about where our names come from and taking the mans name. I actually changed my name, and I have one of my grandmothers who never got married. Still came from her Dad though! can't win can ya

You have no idea how much!
At least I learned from past mistakes.

Sounds thoughtful and a great way to mark the change in circumstances with your kids. All the best OP.

Change it to a favourite female relatives name. Consider their first names as surname too. Opt for someone who inspires you.

Kids can keep your DHs name and double barrel with your new name.