A wee story of the time the incels came after me

[Lwrenn]

Hello, unsure if anyone will read this but thank you if you do ☺

I considered trying to change a few details to share this story to protect myself a bit, then realised I didn't really give a fuck enough to do so, so here we are.

10 years ago I had a really lovely online community and had joined quite a few groups on Facebook that were born from a love of the same musical tastes. Then a splinter group of active posters with similarly humoured posters began and I made more friends, however one friend brought in a pal "going through a rough time". Enter to the group chat an American man who had been charged with a rape offence, admitted to it to escape a custodial sentence and had lived his life trying to tell the world it was consentual sex, he just couldn't face prison. I was young and stupid and took his hatred of women instead of the clear red flag, as something maybe with a bit of understanding, something I could support him with, hoping that if he felt heard and realised women didn't instantly hate him, it might possibly help women long term if he wasn't a danger because his hatred was eased somewhat. (Young, naive and I'll say it, stupid) so I spoke to him with respect even though he made my skin crawl and tried very hard to make him feel less of an outsider in the group. Anyway obviously that backfired and he just sent me pictures of his penis, when I called him out, had him thrown out of our lovely music group, I thought he was a thing of the past.
Until a few days later I received about 20 messages to messenger.
All of which detailing how they'd rape me, humiliate me from farting on me, unsolicited penis pictures, some possible snuff porn and a few other gems.
I did the honourable thing and my pal Rose helped me locate their wives, mothers and employers and we sent off the threats etc, but one particular wee sad sap from the uk sent me a message, but again, being young, thick and with this belief if these men could have one female they didn't hate, maybe it could help women everywhere if they can see us as more than their future victims.
So i talked to this guy who was cripplingly lonely and isolated, living in a rural UK village with no friends or family.
He told me all he wanted was a girlfriend. He was unclean and scruffy, so I encouraged a trip to the barbers and sent him some clothes my eldest son had out grown. (This man was very small, similarly sized as my 10 year old, who was in aged 13 clothes), anyway he smartened himself up and I gave him step by step instructions on getting out to go see a pub band. He went, messaged me from the pub, sent me a selfie looking very smart and he thanked me, said he'd even bumped into a school pal. I wished him a good night and went to bed.
3 days go by I hear nothing. Then it happens, an inbox filled with disgusting abuse.
He'd been in jail and it was my fault.
This utter fucking muppet had gotten himself extremely drunk and had followed to young girls, not women, girls, to a bus stop and was caught casually masturbating behind them on cctv. The girls had no idea he was lurking.
Obviously my fault for encouraging him to go out of his wee bedsit and try making friends.
Anyway DP messaged him saying if he was to ever message me again he had his address and he'd go up and he could deal with an actual man, told him he was pathetic and an embarrassment to men and to grow up, get off 4chan and get some help. I also sent the police station who'd dealt with him an email with the things he'd said to me online but it was vile, just not threatening. But they saw how he blamed me for him being a wee sexual predator, as opposed to being full of remorse.

Even though it was a decade ago up until I deactivated my account on Facebook I'd still get messages from this one incident with the MRA/Incel community with messages detailing how they'd cause me to suffer. Call me a femnazi (lol yawn) or the weirdest one, take my pictures and draw white splats of what I presume would be semen on my face. Again, yawn.

And that is why I no longer believe that giving those people any time or energy will help any females in future, if anything I was potentially putting more women in harms way trying to support these monsters to try making friendly connections and being less lonely.
Not only did I learn it wasn't the Job of women to try to fix these socially inept tossers, I learnt that even the slightest bit of kindness towards them actually does more harm than good and if ever I found myself or if anyone I knew found themselves in a position similar, blocking instantly and not even engaging is the only way forward.

Being kind doesn't mean we put ourselves at risk and I wish that was taught to all girls.

Bloodyhell, that's awful and not completely surprising. This rape thing, its starting to feel like a very lazy tool for very stupid people. I would be far more bovvered if they questioned my intelligence or abilities 🙄

@FrederickTrottersville it is lazy, you're right!
I've a friend who's experienced very similar, not as large scale as mine but even years later, the rape threats.

What a very boring, unimaginative bunch of losers 😴

Bloody hell OP. Nightmare.

Yes sorry to hear you've had first hand experience of these men who thankfully I've only ever read about (and I suppose was naively hoping were pretty rare). Trying to establish the deep connections needed to actually get to know someone properly over the internet seems at best futile and at worst dangerous to me. I don't think our internet/ written personas can ever be our full real-life selves. And of course the gaps (absence of being able to hear tone, see body language etc) leave people who are damaged or have unpleasant agendas with plenty of scope to dupe others. So I reserve internet engagement for light debate, learning and mild entertainment only. I'd never enter into a friendship the way you did with these men. Maybe I'm old fashioned but it seems to me it was pretty obviously fraught with risk from the offing.

It was a lesson learnt the hard way!
Never ever again would I try to befriend someone of that persuasion.
Prior to this I supported men with MH/ND who had a similar way of behaving towards women and they were all able to with strong women almost "grow out of the mindset", but they also had learning difficulties so weren't just hateful people, just very easily led from online activities.
It was my mistake presuming that just because that approach had been successful at work, it could be with Internet broflakes.

Why is any woman’s job to ‘support’ any of these men. Genuine question? I support my friends & relatives but even with those it’s not my job to try to get them a life?

@Superlambaanana beautiful user name, I love a good old superlambanana hunt!

You're absolutely right, I offer friendship to People on here, but only women now. I've had a few PMs that I've suspected may have not been mums wanting advice but instead men wanting to discuss body parts and I just say "sorry you'd be better asking gp", I'm never rude but I keep my suspicious hat on.

But men on the Internet I won't engage with but I have no desire to have the experience again and sadly, its always possible.

It isn't, hence why I said I was young and stupid 😂

I see you have professional experience of supporting men with anti-women agendas so maybe it wasn't as risky for you to engage with the internet ones and you may have had more chance of success than the average person. So fair play for trying.

It's an interesting topic for me because I have become quite anti-men since coming out of a toxic relationship last year. So I find it hard to judge men who don't like women. Men who actively seek to hurt women, whether through words or actions, on the other hand, I not only judge but would like to see punished and removed from society.

But we say we need the low level misogynistic chatter eradicated too to remove the pathway to full on incel behaviour. Men to stop judging women as objects, nags, etc. And yet I am increasingly judging men as almost universally selfish or worse.

A conundrum!

The difference for me is this.
If I was sat with a woman I actively disliked, even hated, somewhere full of rowdy men, regardless of my feelings towards this person, I'd never leave her alone. Even my old boss who I'd happily have slapped around the chops come the purge!
If I was sat somewhere with a bloke I hated with rowdy women, I'd have no concern leaving him alone, as its unlikely to it would have a catastrophic consequence for him, he might have a few lude comments but nothing that could result in his rape or murder, like the former could. He wouldn't likely be followed etc should he walk away. Unlike the woman.
I love many men, I'm a boy mum, I have a tremendous relationship with a wonderful man, but men scare me in a way women do not. I know people peddle "not all men", but there is more than enough of them to make us wary.
Sure loads of women are awful people, yes men do die at the hands of abusive women, but the likelihood of a bloke dying with women compared to a woman dying at the hands of a man, aren't comparable. It's not anti men to be aware many men hate us and to protect ourselves for any potential harm.
Don't feel guilty for learning from your lived experience @Superlambaanana 💐

What awful people.

Sadly the world needs more people like you OP - who reach out and help. Then these absolute rubbish humans take advantage.

I don't think you try g to help the young man was misplaced though- reminds me of a story from Laura Bates' "men who hate women" where a young incel changed because of his interactions with women.

Sorry you had to deal with those vile creatures though

Scary isn’t it. I once had someone saying they hoped I was raped because I made a comment on a public Facebook page. I very rarely do that now. There’s some sick bastards out there

@ButItHasCheese I really did have that wee hope, like patch Adams for incels but it was definitely not ever going to end well. I was so proud of the lad who had on my sons clothes, like a little boy off the disco, but his hatred for women and sexual nature just meant he was a danger, no helping him through a friendly chat and encouragement sadly.

@EnjoyingTheSilence what a fucker. Seriously messed up. Can't even imagine being thick enough to say something so gross knowing other people would see who I was.
If you're going to be a disgusting, vile monster, at least have the braincells to not reveal yourself to your pals 🙈

Yes there's such an imbalance between male and female reactions to the other sex. Women may manipulate, nag, even get hysterical, but very rarely threaten violence and very very rarely are actually violent. Men's propensity to jump to rape threats shows them up as the danger they are. And of course the vast majority of all violence anywhere, ever, is carried out by men.

There's also an intelligence thing at play here I think too. Men with low intellects and possibly also intelligent men who are isolated from normal society and have limited experience of normal social interactions. Not sure how you solve that one as I certainly wouldn't be inviting such men into my social circle and OP has demonstrated that even trying to help from arms length can have dire consequences.