Learning to play football but male player now brings GF on Sideline?

[VivInLiverpool]

I've taken up playing football a few months ago. I found a group on meetup that profiles itself as very inclusive, for example it says:

"No one gets upset if we miss a pass.... or the ball altogether! Skills vary from old semi-pro players all the way to never kicked a ball. We weren’t fibbing when we said inclusive" and,
"Everyone is welcome! That means every skill level, gender, sexuality etc. Just gotta be over 18!"

But last week a new, male player attended and he'd brought his GF along. No one else does. I approached her and tried, with attempted sense of humor, to ask her to play along. She said no as she was there with him and he was the one playing football. I kept encouraging her with different arguments, even offered to lend a spare pair of footie boots, but no.

But it actually felt quite uncomfortable to me with a woman spectator in the manner BF and GF then played it out. It's entirely about gender to me. I come from a generation where no girl would be expected to play footie, it would never even be suggested that we might be able to. It was just only for boys in my childhood.

But this GF chatting with BF during the game, laughing with him, bringing him his cardigan when he was on goal and felt cold (!), it all just felt so reductionistic to the female gender it made me feel uncomfortable as a woman.

GF spectator.made me feel women should be watching football from the sideline. It is hard enough being a (very) mature learner. But normally I do not feel it's about gender.

About a third of the players speak Spanish (I do too), BF is Spanish and British GF was fluent too and she somehow seemed extremely popular in the Spanish speaking group during breaks, they all seemed to know each other. So I fear she's incentivised to keep coming / getting dragged along.

Opinions please?

Bonus info:
I've been the only woman player up until a month ago.
Last week I was the only woman player.
There is one other beginner-level player, and he's male.
In between 20 and 40 players turn up, so we play different fields.
The game is inclusive to beginners, the semi-pros will make an effort to play the ball to ppl like me, beginners.
We play for a bit more than two hours, three games plus breaks.

I think you were being really judgemental and borderline bullying towards this woman. Not everyone wants to play football and you kept pestering (and arguing!) with her to do something she clearly didn't want to do.
She's clearly happy to let him play and just watch, everyone else is clearly happy with it.
Leave her alone! I'd be so pissed off if another woman kept on at me like this.

You’re weird.
My DH might come and watch me ride my horse, it doesn’t mean he wants to be offered one to ride and join in!

I'm sorry but I'm struggling to see what your issue is.

Is there a no spectators rule or something?

Otherwise, your harassing a woman because you feel self conscious about playing football in front of her if she isn't playing too 🤷🏻

This isn't a feminism problem. This is a you problem. Unless there are rules about spectators, she's done nothing wrong. If she doesn't want to play she doesn't have to play.

If you want more women players, try asking your friends (but accept their answer if they say no!).

I agree with pp, I'm afraid. I'm sorry you felt so uncomfortable, op, and I hope this doesn't stop you playing. But your discomfort seems to come from an internalized feeling that maybe you, being a woman, shouldn't be playing - and that's not right, is it?

It doesn't sound as though the GF is doing anything wrong. I think you need to look at why this has triggered you in this way, rather than actively blaming her and/or him.

This is so bizarre. How is it a feminist issue? Why did you keep badgering her to play?

Who died and left you in charge, leave her alone

I sort of know what you mean, the same used to happen a lot in a very male-dominated sport i did as a teenager. Having all the women there not doing the sport sort of emphasises that that is "supposed" to be the female role, and implied i was taking the masculine role by doing the sport, and not acting properly feminine.

On the other hand, i really enjoyed the sport so i thought "their loss" and just got on with it. But i can see why it makes you angry.

I'm sure she won't turn up too much h longer ... it's freezing!🥶

Why should she be forced to play? Unless this is a bizarre metaphor.

She said no as she was there with him and he was the one playing football. I kept encouraging her with different arguments

She said no. Respect her boundaries. Stop trying to force your opinion on others.

Inclusive doesn't mean forcing people to join!

It was weird of you to try to persuade her to play when she was clear she wasn't interested in participation.

The only issue that I might raise with the organisers is their policy on people coming along only to watch. That might possibly make some players feel self conscious which might impact on their decision to attend. Maybe ask for clarity that all spectators understand the inclusive nature of the game, and that any sideline comments must be in this spirit.

Thanks for your reply. And yes, that might actually be a practical solution, a blanket rule for any participant to actually be that: be participating. Regardless of gender and relation to players. I'll ask the organizer about it.

Ah, thanks! I'm glad you understand! It's exactly that! 🙏

And I often think, more because I'm a beginner than because I'm woman, that the best I can do is to show up and keep at it. Hoping that others at least see an example, of a beginner, and may wish to join some day.

Yes, you defo got a point there. It does triggers something in me. Most likely I have internalized throughout my childhood (and later) that men / boys play football. Women are fully accepted as spectators and cheering on. It's difficult to shift in me.

At least things have changed a bit now. Who knows, one day professional women footballers might even get paid the same as men? 🙆

This is a really wierd read. I do not understand your perceived issue op.

You do what you want to do, she can do what she wants to do. What she does is not causing how you feel - you are.

I work in a woman-dominated, for lack of a better word, job, and there's no colleague I haven't asked about it already! But I start by asking if they've played football before, and most women haven't.

I'm not interested in there being more women playing. I'm interested in there being more fellow beginner-level players. ⚽

I totally understand what you mean OP and I think some people on this thread are deliberately trying to mischaracterise your feelings

Maybe you overstepped with trying to get the GF to play but actually I think you were right to gently point out that this is a game for participants not spectators

I think it's very tricky with an inclusive/beginner friendly/mixed group not to try and fall back into old patterns and where you're the only female I can see how you felt self conscious

But I think you just need to try and ignore that and hopefully your presence on the team will eventually encourage more women/beginners etc to come along.

⛄
There is that! Fingers crossed 🤞🏼
😂❄🌨

Thank you @SausageAndEggSandwich !
🙏

Maybe you overstepped with trying to get the GF to play but actually I think you were right to gently point out that this is a game for participants not spectators

Unless the club has that as a rule, she's not right to point that out at all, it's not her place and she'd be incorrect.
I used to do a sport (archery) and there were a lot of beginners. We'd also get a lot of spectators - partners or children who didn't participate.
Thanksfully they were never told to leave, we'd have lost members if we'd done that.

Zero spectators today.
Problem sorted! ✅
☃❄