It's not me - It's men

[TheGoodBanana]

I don't know why I am making this thread, I just wanted to get something off my chest that I have come to realise and it's such a revelation. It's not the kind of thing you can just bring up in person to people so I guess here will work.

All my life since being a teenager, I have been approached for affairs by married men, older men, just any men. I am not particular attractive, this isn't some self stealth boast and I haven't taken these offers up.

I have always thought this was my fault, I must lead people on or I am only good enough for sex on the side but not wife material. That I give off signals that I am damaged and only good for sex. That sex is all anyone would want me for.

I have been having therapy, which has addressed my low self esteem and sexual abuse I suffered as a child, among other things. Therapy is great and has helped me a lot but it's something a colleague said that really clicked.

I mentioned that is there is a creep within 50 yards I will automatically attract them and I have no idea why. She replied, it's because you are a warm and sunny person and men with their massive egos take it as interest.

So - my polite interest and female conditioning to be nice always, don't hurt peoples (men's) feelings, leaves me open to advances from men who think they are entitled to female attention.

I have finally realised, It's not me, It's men. It's no reflection on me at all. I feel so much lighter which probably seems silly but it's like a lightbulb moment!

That's a very helpful insight. There's a quote that basically says ''men will take basic politeness as a sign of interest because they can't imagine being polite to a woman they weren't interested in fucking''.

I think it's more that they aren't used to strangers being nice so when someone is they assume they have an ulterior motive.

Omg this sums it up!

When I was tending bar while going to uni, many of my mostly older male customers tried it on with me. They thought that because I was nice to them, it meant that I fancied them. It was my job to be pleasant with customers, and I was working for tips.

This one resonated with me too, I must say.

It was my DH who pointed it out to me, very nicely, when I was baffled at yet again having been accosted by a person I was merely having a polite exchange with.

Now I don’t try to be Nice or friendly at all. Am aiming for ‘civil’ and that seems to set the tone better.

That exactly sums it up.

I can't imagine dismissing people as not worthy of politeness or kindness because I don't fancy them, my mind boggles at how men work!

I've (very) occasionally met men who are genuinely really nice and polite without a hidden agenda. I feel awfully guilty for my suspicion when I realise they have no agenda because it's so off-putting and unusual that I automatically assume they're creeps!

This happened to me in my twenties and I seriously thought I had some invisible sign on my forehead.

I was small, and very petite. Certainly not beautiful, but pretty enough I suppose. I was also fairly quiet, unassuming was working as a secretary/typist.

Among many many creepy encounters I had at least two bosses make moves on me. One (married and about 45), invited me to dinner for my birthday, then tried to French kiss (tongues) when he dropped me off home.

The second was much older (not married). I was living in London at the time. He started buying me things, first a clock/radio then a stereo. I was getting uncomfortable with this, then he asked for a picture of me which I naively gave him. Then I found him searching through my handbag when I had gone to the loo.

I had to leave both those jobs. Sexual harassment wasn’t even a thing then Ironically the first boss was the Director of Human Resources!

I have pondered a long time why this kept happening to me. I also got followed home when I was 17 and grabbed. I bit his hand and screamed, he walked off saying fucking bitch.

I was not street smart and just took people at face value. I think I must have had a warm but not bubbly personality.

Im so much older now, and it doesn’t happen anymore thank god. But I think it has led to me being less trusting of men, and I avoid them when I can.

Sadly, I think it's true. I worked in a very male dominated, old fashioned environment for a while in my early 20s. And while the men made the odd joke, I did not get propositioned or any of the really bad behaviour even though I was, not to be immodest, attractive - big breasts, good legs etc (wish I'd appreciated it more then!). .

But I also had an invisible sign on my face that said, "Don't fuck with me". And it irritated me a great deal that because some of the other women I worked with did NOT have that sign, they had to put up with a lot of shit. I remember a much older woman coming to me for help once because from where she sat she could see the computer screens of the men. This was pre strong firewalls and the men would sit there and watch porn. She didn't feel she could say anything but she knew that I could because I had that in built "fuck off" vibe.

I am glad I have it. But angry that I had to have it and that women who don't so often get treated appallingly.