Posting here for a gentler response and really because I just need some advice on whether I am going more crazier than I already feel.
I started boarding school when I was 6 - firstly I was just boarding for the week but I was the youngest in the house by several years. I had already had quite a lot of trauma so was not easy at all. I also had an ADHD diagnosis and was given some 1:1 support from the woman who was my house mother (Miss X) and called herself my other mother, she did have some therapy qualifications but was also an academic member of staff but with a low class timetable.
A few months ago I had the other mother concept put to me in therapy and it caused some really difficult feelings at the time (didn't help my own mother was dying). I asked for it to stop, it didn't and actually continued until I had a premature discharge from the service for other reasons. In the middle of this someone from prep school asked me if Miss X had abused me. Apparently Miss X had told me about mastrabation and I may have told a bunch of other girls about what I had been told.
So I've started to suddenly have these really intrusive thoughts suddenly, and they will not going away. I'm not sure if they are actual memories because they've only just come now but some really weird things happened and I am not sure I can even term it abuse as some of it was meant to help me, particularly the therapy input. There was definitely regression therapy and holding therapy jumbled up in this "help".
I feel really, really fucked up because this was under the guise of care, and I had really fond memories and a strong attachment to her but now I am wondering if this was actually for her sexual fantasies.
Really hoping that someone has any idea on what I can do to try and resolve this because I am an absolute mess right now. Im not sure if I am up for posting details but things just seem really off now that I have looked back from what has been said to me in therapy about the other mother thing which i feel like has just triggered my body to start remembering stuff I really dont want to remember. I keep telling myself that female on female abuse is incredibly rare and so its unlikely she was doing anything but being kind but then WHAM another flashback memory happens.