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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

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Original poster

Resentful

17 replies

shinymoon · 17/08/2023 08:35

Don't know where to start with this one but we had twins 5 years ago and due to childcare costs and the fact that I hated my job/was paid less than my husband, I left work to take care of the kids. All the women in my family were stay at home mums/jobs around the family women so I was scared/unaware of how to get a job that was different to this.

By the time twins were 20ish months, I wanted to run back to work. Then the pandemic hit and I was stuck at home for another 2 years. Once we able to claim the 30 hours childcare vouchers, I got a work from home job (which I hated) and once they started school, I started full time work.

I've gone into an internship as I thought it would lead to a good job but it's a nightmare. Management is poor, the workload is heavy and I'm paid less than everyone there as I'm an "intern".

I'm so angry that my husband's life hasn't changed at all and mil keeps telling me how amazing he's done - with no mention of my hard work.

I'm sick of my life and resentful of my husband who's not done anything wrong really.

OP posts:

deydododatdodontdeydo · 17/08/2023 08:41

I think this is pretty common. It's also pretty common to make a decision and then to regret it later.
I gave up work to raise my kids. I didn't want them in childcare, I didn't want anyone else raising them and I hated my job.
But years later I think it may have been a bad choice. But then I still hate working and I know my husband felt pressured and stayed in jobs he didn't like because he was the only one bringing income into the house, so it hasn't been all rosy for him either.
Now I know I have no career but it's all my fault, I can't pin the blame on anyone else.
I have felt resentful though at times.

Original poster

shinymoon · 17/08/2023 08:44

I regret it. Childcare would've been fine. Part time I could've focused on my work and studies.

OP posts:

namitynamechange · 17/08/2023 21:20

If it helps I went back to work much sooner than I wanted because, due to a range of factors, I was the only one earning an income at the time. I felt very guilty (and permanently exhausted as I was doing all the house stuff too) plus paying for childcare on top of everything. And my career still suffered due to having to be there for sick days/not traveling in a way I don't think it would if I was a man with a SAHM.
Not trying to be competitive about who had it worse. Just I don't think there is an easy way to "win" if that makes sense. If you don't work you regret the loss of career (and get labelled a smothering mother). If you do work you feel pulled in half (and get labelled an absent mother).

DutchCowgirl · 17/08/2023 22:29

If it helps you: i did continue to work when we had kids, but parttime in a public sector. Dh got all those wild promotions and i got nothing, just stayed where i was. Twelve years later I regret working parttime and staying with the same employer… and i’m envious of dh who has this big career going on.

Anyway, conclusion: you almost can’t do this right, the men always win.

always2323 · 17/08/2023 22:37

Sadly, that is the cost of being a woman who chooses to have children. The men's life hardly changes yet the women have to sacrifice so much more and are forever battling a debate of work/childcare.
It's not fair economically.

Don't blame your husband though or look back and regret things.

Think about how you can now change things to work more in your favour. Study, job change etc

Original poster

shinymoon · 18/08/2023 07:18

Thanks ladies and I'm sorry for your situations too. I acknowledge what you mean.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 18/08/2023 07:21

It’s a decision which you made, and we’re happy with at the time. Don’t resent him for it now, it won’t change anything, and will damage your relationship.
Just move forward and look to change the job.

Loopytiles · 20/08/2023 10:07

Suggest seeking a better paid job and focusing on what you can do now for your career.

If your resentment has anything to do with your H’s past or current actions and/or views, would seek to address that with him.

ReginaRegina · 20/08/2023 17:09

Do you share finances?

OnToTheNextOneOntoTheNextOne · 30/08/2023 11:10

To give you another perspective - I regret going back to work as childcare was awful for my child and caused her some trauma. I ended up quitting anyway.

Until we have high quality affordable childcare in UK, you just can't win as a working mum.

OnToTheNextOneOntoTheNextOne · 30/08/2023 11:16

Also, your MIL is being a dick to not recognise your contribution to the family. And your DH should be correcting her: we have done so well, we are a team, I'm so lucky I had DW looking after the kids so I could focus on progressing at work.

beeswaxinc · 30/08/2023 11:31

DutchCowgirl · 17/08/2023 22:29

Anyway, conclusion: you almost can’t do this right, the men always win.

It's definitely a big issue in this country and we need a better culture around working and childcare. Sweden's system is often touted as superior precisely because it means professionals don't have to lose out on their career building. It's a combination of practical, accessible support/childcare and the ethos.

We have a similar setup to the OP in our family unit but the gender roles are reversed; DP is a SAHD and I work, am free to pursue my career (even if it's not going great right now) and travel when the opportunity comes up. Don't have to worry much when the kids are off sick from school etc. Our DCs are not babies anymore but still small so hard work. I am hoping when the youngest starts school DP will be able to start taking time for himself and if he wants, building a career.

There is definitely a sense of being stuck and left behind when leaving the world of work to take care of children. I have only in the last year returned to full time hours from various bouts of PT working and maternity leave. Even that is difficult to bounce back from.

Don't lose heart OP, you still have time and things will only get easier as your DC grow and become more independent.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 31/08/2023 12:36

Sweden's system is often touted as superior precisely because it means professionals don't have to lose out on their career building.

Sweden's system involves the parental leave being shared between mother and father. When it was first introduced people carried on mostly as normal with the mother taking most of the leave, until they changed the rules so if the father didn't take half it was lost.
A lot of British women I have spoken to about this are horrified at the idea of losing half of their maternity leave but I don't see a better way if we want things to be equal.

beeswaxinc · 31/08/2023 13:37

Do you have a source for that? Just interested as I cannot find anything to corroborate that. My understanding is that the days do count as being between the 2 parents (that's 480 days) but nothing says that the father is required to use 240 of those days. They are required to use 90 of those days but the rest can be transferred, still entitling the mother to a full year of mat leave? Is that not correct?

beeswaxinc · 31/08/2023 13:38

And then from age 1 there is well subsidised childcare available until school age, so the model is still very supportive of parents being in work.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 31/08/2023 14:56

I can't remember where I read it @beeswaxinc (or heard it if it was the radio).
It could be that I got the 50:50 bit wrong and it is only 90 days that the father can't transfer to the mother.
Sorry about that.
Either way, it seems that transferring the 150 days from father to mother is common.

DojaPhat · 02/09/2023 18:44

I know it won't take away your feelings of resentment or shoulda/woulda/coulda but what you're reflecting on is really how the system is designed for women who opt to have children. There really is no practical / easy way through it unless a woman is either independently extremely well off or has a support network that extends way beyond what anyone would consider a reasonably helpful grandparent or sibling.

Having said that, moments like these if worked through with some careful planning can be the catalyst for change - take stock of the current and think about the practical ways you can improve your lot; even if it does in the immediate sense seem like it will cost you more be it in time or money. When a friend was debating whether to go back to law school, hesitating because she thought she'd be too old by the time she'd be done with all the hoops and tightropes I remember telling her (not original, read it elsewhere), that all things being equal she might as well because she'll eventually be 46 anyway with or without the Law degree.

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