Life after rape

[LilyJessie]

Hello,

I was in an incredibly abusive relationship, physically, mentally, sexually, financially, emotionally... Everything. With a man, a police officer.

This was 10/11 years ago. It was only 18 months long. But it stripped me of everything I knew and had. I look back now and realise I was being raped 1 or 2 times a day, every day. Hit. Bullied. Tormented. Controlled.
But I got free, and I moved on.
He went on to do it to someone else... Queue my "f**k this" attitude, and reported him for the both of us.

I then went through a 5.5 year police investigation (which was so poor), the CPS wouldn't charge (because of the poor investigation and told us they believed us), but ...he was fired and named in the press (I'll take what I can to protect other women when it comes to this monster).

I'm not on here to moan about any of what happened re him/ the investigation, it was absolutely traumatic, I was let down beyond comprehension, and I accept that.

I was wondering, will I EVER feel better, or is this the new norm?
I cope, I don't live, I exsist.
I've had all the therapies and pills going by the doctor, but it does nothing. I'm a sensible person and hold down a full time job, I look after family/ friends. But, I just don't feel, "happy", and I sabotage most chances I get of happiness.

Does anyone else have any similar feelings? That everything is f**ked up since, and that's just it now...

I didn't just want to read and run.

I haven't been through what you have, and I just wanted to say that you are absolutely bloody incredible for pursuing this piece of s##t human who did this to you, and for bringing him to light so hopefully another woman doesn't have to go through what you did. I am so so sorry for what you have had to deal with.

You deserve all the happiness in the world and I truly hope you find it. The clouds will eventually clear. Sending hugs and support.

Hoping someone wiser than me comes along soon but wanted so say how immensely strong and brave you are.

I'm sorry the CPS/investigation got fucked up, although not surprised to hear that.

Have you tried any of the survivor groups? I think WA can put you in touch?

EMDR can really help some, where other therapies haven't worked so well.

You aren't alone, even though it might feel that way.

Hug.

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. It’s been a few years since it was over and I just recently started to feel normal again. I don’t have out of control stress/ imbalanced emotions anymore. It will get better.

@Singlemum90 - thank you ❤️
@Morewineplease10 - thank you for your reply. I have tried various therapies but nothing seems to help. I just don't know if I'm broken forever. And if so, what a rubbish life I have to lead!
@Annaishere - that's good to hear, my life is such a mess. Emotionally imbalanced is exactly how I feel. Work is my only escape!

It sounds like the police investigation made the trauma a lot worse for you.
I know it did for me, and I was actually very relieved and happy when it was shut down after just a couple of years.

This may sound silly, but my best therapy is to be outdoors by the sea or in the mountains. In any kind of weather, though howling into the wind and rain is a very liberating feeling.
I also go to the tip and throw things with all my might, thinking it is my ex that has all the crap thrown on him. He deserves it.

It is hard to carry the burden of abuse. Let your abuser carry it instead. He did it, the shame is his.

@turturbonerd - Oh absolutely it did. I am also a police officer, so it was lots of mixed feelings.
I just don't have anything left. And I don't seem to be getting any happier or better.
I constantly let down my partner because I'm just a mess. I feel so overwhelmed.
I also feel like I'm so whingey right now, sorry!

I don’t think we whine or whinge when we try to describe the impact these experiences have on us. 💐

It is good to try to describe it.
It is good to try and find a way to feel alive and cope with the crap feelings.

For me, the pills don’t work. I am not depressed, I am not anxious. My view is that I have lived through awful things and so naturally that will affect me. I need to cry, I need to rage, I need to think about it and remind myself that none of this was instigated by me!

Away from my children, of course.
And it does change and get better, even though there are times I crash back down again.

My view is that none of this makes me weak.
I would say it is a perfectly reasonable response to trauma, and to give yourself the time to put all the crap back on to the abuser - figuratively.

But if I ever have the chance to rain down actual hell on my ex I will take it. He deserves as much.

@turbonerd - thank you for taking the time to say all that.
Everything at the moment in my personal life is such a mess, and I know that my ex doesn't feel an ounce of guilt. He was in total denial and tried to make out me and the other victim had mental health problems and were just "scorned women"...

I just, don't seem to be getting any better... And my partner now is getting frustrated by it... Which I get.

I'm at my absolute lowest ebb, for sure. I just can't see the point if nothing gets any better. I'll keep plodding, but how long? I don't know.

I have so much anger and no way of putting it anywhere! The dump sounds like a good idea!

Do try the dump!
It is cathartic in the best way.

Sometimes you just have to muddle through. Look at tiny things that bring you contentment or a little joy; a Nice cup of tea, a Nice meal, a book/film/music/tv series that you can relax with, a walk under some lovely trees.

Just little things. It sounds trite, perhaps. But for me it is what Keeps me going.

Sorry about random capitals, my phone is weird.

There is life after trauma. If I've understood the time line correctly the relationship ended a decade ago, and was followed by a 5 year investigation. So the conclusion was actually 5 years ago, or even less? And both situations would have had a profound impact.
Anger is a stage of grieving. Have you considered having grief counselling?

@TThelnebriati - Hiya, the investment ended last year... There was a gap between relationship ending and reporting.

I've lost 3 babies the the last 2 years in the second trimester too. Everything just feels like it's never going to get better.

I'm having bereavement therapy at the moment, but had all sorts of talking therapies for years. I still just feel the same. X

So sorry about the loss of your babies 🦋🦋🦋💐💐💐

A terrible loss to grieve.

You must give yourself time.

I think that sometimes you can reach a place in therapy where you're just sick of it; you can get even sick of the sound of your own voice talking about it, and you just need a break from it all. The trauma and the therapy.

You've had an appalling time. You've suffered more trauma than anyone should have to.
Because you are a strong, rational woman you have continued to function.

That's great.

Stop trying so hard- stop trying to fix yourself, to move on, to work at getting over it.

Just let yourself be.
Be in the moment.
Do self care. Rest. Follow your nose. Live minute by minute.

That will eventually lead to you being ready to recover.
But right now you are empty. You've spent everything you have on survival. You need to recoup.

Don't feel guilty. Don't let other people tell you what recovery looks like or what you should be able to do when. Just sit and be and recharge.

You'll know when it's time to push again.

Disclaimer- I don't know you and may have read this all wrong! I just know what I've needed, and your post is resonating with me.

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, OP. That sounds so very difficult.

I think when we are in a dark place we often need a combination of very many things. We just have to keep trying. Some will stick, some will help a little bit, some will not be much use, some will make real and lasting change. All depends a lot on our situation, personality, and history.

I don't know what you've already tried - other than talking therapy - but there are lots and lots of things that may be worth a shot.

Including but not limited to:

Medication
Vitamins and nutritition
exercise
meditation
religion
philosophy
Addressing thinking patterns
gardening
creative pursuits - writing, painting, photography, cooking, etc
wild swimming
a pet
volunteering

Just for an idea. Just try everything. Most of these things have helped me at some points.

Some books you may find useful:

The Joy Diet by Martha Beck (not about food diets)
Feeling Good, the new Mood Therapy, M Burns
Dark Nights of the Soul, Thomas Moore
Ten Poems To Change Your Life by Roger Housden

OP-life has really thrown a lot at you.

At a time of distress in my life I got this advice, and it served me well: Every day make an appointment with yourself to live for some minutes in peace/fun/kind/no pressure time. It may be reading, walking, eating a delcious bun - in short, a little reward of kindness to yourself for getting this far.

It helped me a lot.

I don't know if you realise the magnitude of what you have written here?

You need a lot of time.

I was sexually assaulted 30 years ago, nothing as bad as you as it was a once-off, but it took a lot of time for me to stop blaming myself - and I do know it wasn’t my fault, but I froze. I can't give you a timeline, but I hardly ever think of it now, but to be honest I thought about it more than I wanted to for years, but less and less as the time went on. And you can always call a rape crisis line if you need to, regardless of long ago it happened.

You've been through the long drawn out pain of a failed prosecution, so your trauma is still raw, but you were so strong to bring it, and the publicity will have saved other women from what you went through.

I'm so sorry that you've had miscarriages too - it's too unfair, and the sadness of these may be making it harder to heal from your abusive ex.

For me time was the healer, and forgiving myself for 'letting' someone do what they did to me. And doing the small things which give some joy - literally stopping to smell roses in gardens takes no energy and is a good place to start. I find walks in the park, visits to galleries or even churches to enjoy the beauty of the art and the peacefulness of the setting is a real help in getting me out of my head.

Best of luck with everything.

I have had a time when I've said I'm so sick and tired of being hurt and angry I want to move on and I couldn't.. I was encouraged to just feel the feelings. as soon as I started to accept these feelings as normal and ok to be hurt and angry, I did weirdly feel a little better. Therapy helped with this .

Thank you to all you wonderful women who responded to this.

I am trying my hardest to get "better" and accept that I have changed.

The police investigation just, totally destroyed me. X

I'm so sorry. I've heard women say this before. You are very courageous for having gone through with it.

Wishing you all the good things - be kind to yourself, OP. x