DD14 assaulted and bullied by boys at school - school minimising

[DancesWithFelines]

DD14 recently ended her first relationship. The boy is still 13 years old, but 6ft tall. Jealousy and possessive behaviour has occurred towards DD and this led to the boy grabbing my DD’s face, swearing and shouting in her face and pushing her at school.

Female HOY phoned me to inform of the incident and said the boy was remorseful. DD was at a friends after school and was then followed home by two of the ex-boyfriend’s friends.

DD had blocked the ex on everything but SMS, she then received a string of gaslighting texts telling her not to tell school or her mum as ‘this was a me and you talk’. He said he only nudged her face and she was a lying snake, and that she was going to get him beat by his dad. She told him she was scared of him and couldn’t cope with him anymore and couldn’t keep it to herself. (There had also been an incident a month ago where the boyfriend had shoved her in PE for overtaking him in a race, and when she got upset he gave the silent treatment but this ended up being played down, to my regret).

i did not want her to go to school after she was grabbed on Wed but she insisted as she felt things would be worse if she didn’t go in, plus the ex boyfriend had been put in isolation as a sanction. My gut feeling proved right as yesterday she was bullied by the friends of the ex boyfriend. She was followed to her lessons in the science block (when these boys didn’t have science) and was called a snake and a wanker, she was ‘booed’ in the corridors all day.

We went into school immediately and called a meeting (I had already requested one) and were met by the female HOY and a male member of the SLT.
They confirmed that the ex boyfriend was being dealt with seriously, isolation and meeting with his dad. The other boys had parents informed and detentions.

However the entire meeting had an aura of victim blaming and desperately trying to pick holes in DD. I did at one point get quite cross and told them they were clearly minimising. These are a few points that have made me uncomfortable:

1. large part of meeting spent telling DD she was wrong to message her dad instead of telling HOY when she was being bullied yesterday. The reason DD is being bullied is because the boys believe she is a snake and a snitch but school refused to accept this made it difficult for her to go to the teacher.
2. CCTV had been checked of the bullying incidents and they said DD was laughing. We said that she would have been trying to front it out and laugh off the bullies but the HOY refuted me and seemed to be implying DD was enjoying being followed and called names. I said my daughter was assaulted on Wednesday and this bullying is an escalation. I don’t care if she was laughing - it’s not ok.
3. Shove in PE was playfighting according to them. I said I didn’t realise that playfighting was so common in teenagers - the male teacher kept insisting that my older son (16) and his friends playfight (irrelevant and not true).
4. Kept saying bullying boys were nice boys and had told the teachers they didn’t know why they were doing it and it was just pack mentality.
5. Male SLT teacher made an implication that DD manipulated her boyfriend for attention (no idea where he dreamt this up)
6. Male teacher kept saying that DD was close friends with the bullying boys which she refuted. She doesn’t even know all their names.
7. Male teacher asked if she had ever been to the boyfriend’s house and she blushed and said once or twice, he then said “by your response I would suggest you’ve been to his house more than once or twice” (irrelevant)
8. I played the voice note of my upset DD following the PE incident and they said “she only sounded a little bit upset”.
9. said that if DD ever feels unsafe she can just stand with one of the 8 staff members at break time - no explanation of where these 8 people were when her face was grabbed.
10. Acknowledged that the texts were awful and displayed a power imbalance but still kept insisting the boy is really remorseful.

I can’t believe we went into a meeting regarding these serious incidents and came out feeling like we/she were criticised.
We are currently supporting our DD and in discussions about informing police (however if they minimise as well, it will be awful for DD) Ultimately we may need to move schools.

Should I press further about the school’s handling and minimising? It has caused extra damage to the situation. For example, are there any articles reguarding victims laughing while being bullied as a tactic to try and get the bully to leave alone? I cannot understand their response, it honestly feels as though they want to explain everything away and make her out to be a drama Queen.

sorry it’s so long 😬

I can believe it. School’s response is unacceptable, sorry OP.

I’ve opted for my dd learning martial arts since age 8 and an all girl’s secondary, as I don’t want any teenage bully boy shoving my girl’s face. If any boy did that I’d be incandescent and the school would feel the weight of my wrath.

I’m afraid I’ve no advice for you except to say: your DD needs you to stand up for her - and I hope for the sake of all the girls at that school, that you do.

I’m so sorry for your daughter. Well done for standing up for her. The response from the school is unacceptable and as for the male teacher and points 5 and 7 - what a nasty prick.

I’d take it to the board of governors and I’d make a complaint about points 5 and 7 being classic victim blaming comments.

I'd catalogue everything, make a formal complaint to the Head and also think seriously about reporting this physical assault to the police.

And this is why so many women can’t leave abusive relationships. Domestic violence is minimised and they are blamed.

I think it’s unacceptable too.

I would report the assault to the police and submit complaints to everyone I can. Actually can’t believe what I’ve read, there are boys harassing a girl in school and somehow it’s her fault. So sorry for your DD OP

Raise a complaint with the HT about this meeting. Some of these reactions are worrying and need unpicking.

I'm sorry I have no helpful advice but thats a disgusting response from the school. If you go to the police I hope they do better than that and I hope others can give helpful advice on this.

For example, are there any articles reguarding victims laughing while being bullied as a tactic to try and get the bully to leave alone?

I think this must be a thing but don't know of any articles sorry. I did this in primary school and invited them to try and hurt me to show I was tougher than I actually was. I thought if they could see they weren't hurting me they would get bored. Of course they were actually hurting me.

I'd also do this. Your poor DD and the school are enabling a bullying abuser and his friends

That's absolutely not acceptable.
I would be raising a complaint with the Head, and if no joy then the governors.
Your poor daughter.

Absolutely this x

I really feel for you and your dd, absolutely disgusting behaviour by the school.
You have a pretty good timeline of every incident of the boys behaviour, messages and of the meeting at school.
Personally I'd go to the police.
I phoned the police when my dd was bullied at school by two girls who got their friends involved, the bullying didn't last long, I went up the school, they took it seriously, the girls were so out of control the school actually told me to ring the police.
I also went to the girls homes and basically went nuclear on their parents, I wouldn't advise you do this.
Getting the police involved adds another layer of how serious this is, a short sharp shock kinda thing.
The police officer came to speak to my dd then went to speak to the girls, they weren't arrested but had a serious talking to about where this behaviour is leading them to, arrest, court, conviction, criminal record.
Going to the police also reinforced to my dd that I took the situation seriously and I had her back, she didn't want me to involve the police but I took that decision as the parent.
Phone the police.

Under data protection she has a right to a copy of the CCTV she is in.

I would make a request for that and take it to the police along with the SMS messages.

I would also be putting in writing to the school that it owes your DD a duty of care, and I think - but check, employees who don't provide a safe environment can be held personally liable.

I know of a Muslim school that has a policy of boys have to face the wall when girls are walking past. It's a bit extreme for a whole school but it something the school could impose on the bully and friends.

If these are 'good kids' then the school should be able to stop it in a heart beat, if they can't these are not good kids.

I have a habit of laughing when I'm stressed, it's quite well known to be a stress indicator.

It's called 'nervous laughter' and was a noted feature in 'The Milgram experiment' and features on TV and in films, they even make memes about it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nervous_laughter

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/evolution-the-self/202108/why-we-laugh-when-were-nervous

https://www.scienceofpeople.com/nervous-laughter/

The school is in the wrong and I would write to the head and explain your concerns. They should not be minimising or victim blaming they are not a jury. They should stick to the facts and deal with them accordingly.

The school are not observing basic procedures here, and that meeting was worrying. The boy should have been suspended.
This is very serious, so please contact the HT for a meeting concerning your daughter's safety. If the school is in an academy trust please contact the CEO.

Contact the schools community policeman/woman . Every school has one . Ring your local cop shop and ask ti speak to him / her

My DS’ secondary school were very protective of the girls, and any incident as serious as this would have lead to some serious sanctions being put in place for all the boys involved. Why is this not happening? Are you sure you know the full story OP? Meet with the Head and if that doesn’t resolve matters, escalate from there.

Reminds me of this https://www.channel4.com/programmes/consent#
Long story short, nasty little shit did do it but the victim was long gone by then. It’s ingrained misogyny, everyday sexism, the school sound clueless.
Police, Ofsted, LEA, head, governors. I’d reign down hell upon the whole lot of them!

The well-known fear response are fight or flight. There are also freeze, but - crucially here - fawn:

www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-does-fight-flight-freeze-fawn-mean#

Self-preservation comes out in different ways, and it's not for somebody else to determine whether it's appropriate, or fits with their pre-determined narrative.

Please put all the above in writing to the school as a formal complaint. This is COMPLETELY unacceptable. I'm in school leadership and not only are they victim blaming they are failing to safeguard your daughter from peer-to-peer abuse (put that in the complaint too). Does she have friends who can walk her between lessons until it is resolved? I'm sorry to even have to ask that!

I would take it further I would contact the governors of the school, the police and even ofstead.

She has left what is an abusive relationship which most people know is the most dangerous time, it doesn't diminish just because their teenagers.

Thank you all

We will protect my daughter at all costs, I grew up witnessing DV and was the victim of DV when I was a teenager (although I was older, 15-17) and it was also minimised so the level of pain and anger I feel at the moment is off the scale. DH and I have sworn that we’d make sure this stuff will never happen to DD - we cannot believe that the first boyfriend came along and has done this.

i had been extremely worried about half term and the behaviour escalating however after the meeting the female HOY phoned me from her car and said that the boyfriend was actually away on holiday for half term and although she wasn’t supposed to tell me, it might put my mind at rest. Even this seems somehow manipulative to me - like she knew the meeting has been poorly handled (DH said the anger in me was palpable by the end, he had never heard that tightness in my throat before and they would have known too) and she is doing me a ‘favour’ that she shouldn’t really be doing.

We do want to speak to the police however just taking baby steps with DD when approaching the subject as can see she is very fatigued by it all. We also just lost one of our cats so she’s had a rough time.

Thank you so much for the links regarding laughter when nervous etc. We were at a family friend’s yesterday and DD was telling what she had been through this week and she was nervously smiling and laughing all the way through. I also remembered when one of my school friends used to be bullied on the bus he initially would laugh along with the bullies to try and make it look like the insults didn’t bother him. I am so angry about the HOY refuting me on this point - she is trying to imply by daughter was having a fun time during this harassment!

Please report the male teacher. His " boys will be boys" mindset and victim blaming is horrible.
Also do involve the police .

@DancesWithFelines

For example, are there any articles reguarding victims laughing while being bullied as a tactic to try and get the bully to leave alone?

Fight, flight, freeze, appease. You DD was appeasing her bullies.

No new advice but so angry for your DD! Both at the teenagers & the teaching response. Absolute victim blaming

I think the pollute is the correct step

Your daughter has been failed by the safeguarding team. It's very serious.