Angry with myself for past behaviour

[MistakesAndRegrets]

I'm going to write this down to see if I can make sense of it, as it floods into my thoughts so often and I feel such a deep sense of shame and anger at myself. I'm also curious to know if anyone else has felt like this.

The core of it is, I've had sex with most of my sexual partners (around 12 over the years) because I felt I had to. It's as if the fact that they wanted me, or pursued me, made me feel that I owed them. I didn't want to have sex with them, I didn't enjoy it (although I always pretended I did and tried to be what I thought they wanted). I even cheated on a lovely man because someone else pursued me - not blaming the other man, I absolutely was in the wrong and I hate myself for it. But again, I feel like I couldn't effectively extricate myself from the situation - it was almost like I was being polite. I was terrified that someone I'd led him on and he'd be angry if I said no. I honestly felt like I couldn't shut it down.
Something else that I'm ashamed of is when I was a lot younger I went on a night out with a mixed group of friends, We all had far too much to drink, a couple of them came back to my house, and I was woken up by one of the boys having sex with me. Instead of screaming blue murder, I let him finish and said no more about it. I figured I must have flirted with him or something, led him on. But actually, I don't think I did, I didn't fancy him at all.

How did I get like that? How did I feel that I owed any man who showed interest in me sex whether I wanted to or not? More importantly, how can I make sure my daughter values herself enough to say "no" when she doesn't want to get involved with someone?

Have you had any therapy OP.

you have nothing to be ashamed of that night. You didn’t ask or cause any of it and the fact that you were raped is on him. Your response is a perfectly normal one where you felt it was safest just to lie there.

Since then it looks like rather than see it as the horrible event it was that teasnt your fault you have tried to see it as something you wanted causing you to continually say yes as that is what you did that night.

Counselling should help because you need to value yourself to say no. That you didn’t do anything wrong that inviting them back does not give him the right to sex

I've thought about counselling as I'm guessing that it boils down to lack of self-esteem, low self-worth etc.

I just want to make sure my daughter doesn't feel the same - she's only three but I'm already making sure we don't make her kiss/hug people unless she wants to etc.

How is your current relarionship.

I think for you OP it is about protecting yourself about the night you feel so much shame for, that if you continue to repeat the behaviour it saves you for having to properly look at what happened.

Proper therapy will be able to help with that and give you the boundaries you need

Funnily enough I almost made a thread almost exactly like this the other day! I was lying in bed thinking about all the things I put up with when I was young, but I would say it made me feel more sad than shame.

I had a very similar experience with waking up with someone having sex with me, except it was someone I'd met that night and gone home with blind drunk, and the person having sex with me was his friend. They took photos of me asleep and shared it with their sports team. The next night, they asked me to meet up with them, and mind bogglingly, I did. Turned out it was just the second man, the friend, and I felt too awkward to not have sex with him again, so I did. That story absolutely blows my mind when I look back on it, and makes me so sad.

The man I loved (who didn't love me back) also nagged me into having a threesome with his friend when he came over. Didn't want that either, but still did it.

These were the worst one's but like you, most of the experiences I had I wasn't really into, but felt like I somehow owed the person pursuing me.

I was depressed throughout this time, and I just made such appalling decisions with so little self worth. It really worries me that my daughters will grow up to make similar decisions, but the only think I can think to do is be very frank with them about the things I went through if I get a sniff of similar experiences when they're older. I never had that from my mum, though she was always supportive. I hope it might make a difference.

I’m was thinking the same thing about myself as a teenager last night funnily (not funny) enough. It was almost like a feeling of obligation or just not having any kind of ownership of my own body. It really blows my mind looking back that I went along with boys doing sexual things to me that I didn’t want and didn’t enjoy and I wasn’t remotely attracted to them either. I was exposed to porn mags as a child, they’d be under the bridge and in hedges round the village where I grew up and my brother and his friends had them and I think we all ended up with skewed and distorted boundaries as a result.
My DD is 12 and I’m so relieved that she’s lesbian and won’t be getting into situations with h boys. We have a great relationship where we can talk about consent and boundaries and that she can be whatever sexuality she wants but doesn’t need to be thinking about having sex until she’s old enough.
M best friend was the same when she was a teenager and it seems like there’s probably loads of us in this boat. It wasn’t our fault and it’s not our shame op. You did nothing wrong, none of us did.

Counselling would be a good idea.
If you want to start looking into it now, this might be about more than self esteem. Have you heard about 'scripts'? In transactional analysis, a script is how we expect things to play out.
https://www.clairenewton.co.za/my-articles/transactional-analysis-part-iii-the-scripts-we-follow.html

You did nothing wrong op. Do get some therapy, it really could help.

I was so scared to upset men I married an abuser.

I can sympathise op. I've probably slept with a similar number and there was only 1 of them I really enjoyed having sex with and felt a deep love for.

Very depressing to look back on. I think for me I was confused regarding what was expected of me/my view of relationships and had no boundaries. No real understanding either of what men are/can be like. Very naive.

It's weird you mention this because I was having a similar conversation with a male friend just last night. How a lot of people have sex with people who they don't want to.

I think the conversation started from a line in a cheesy movie we were watching where one guy is trying to chat up a girl and tells his friend he'll have to 'take one for the team' and hook up with her overweight friend. I asked my friend if men really did this and he said some do, usually laddish guys. Sometimes they'll be the one getting the girl they want and other times they're the wingman to their friend and have to 'take it for the team'.

Pretty grim if you ask me but it got me thinking how many young men have said yes to peer pressure. It's not even rape as it's only reluctant sex as opposed to non-consensual but it must be horrible sleeping with someone you don't fancy. I don't think I could do it.

happened to my mum too

Another one who totally understands OP. It was a revelation to me that you were supposed to 'choose' sexual partners and boyfriends...as gross as it sounds, I would settle for anyone who wanted me. If I say no, he might not like me (not even thinking whether I liked him or not). Ironically, the same men used to hate or ridicule me because I DID sleep with them. So fucked up.

Low self esteem, bullying, no self worth, taught to be a people pleaser and raised in a patriarchy at home and in the world.

It's not our fault, we can only understand why, forgive ourselves and love ourselves and our DC going forward. I speak as if I have achieved this...I haven't but it's a goal.