Struggling with wedding/baby pressure from my so called feminist mother

[Lucia23]

Since turning 30 my mother makes frequent comments about 'if/when you have a child' and 'at your wedding' etc. If I suggest I may never get married she just replies 'but you might'.

To be clear - I am approaching 31 and single. I did have a serious partner but he cheated on me and that ended a few years ago, although I've dated shorter term since.

Nearly every time I see her she'll make a comment about 'if it was your wedding...' - and I noticed my dad give her the side eye as he could care less as long as I'm happy. And recently it was 'well if you have a daughter'.

The reality is that for both personal and medical reasons, I may not do both or either. I will no doubt meet someone again but I'm content as I am. I feel uncomfortable and stressed every time she says these things. What can I say to shut these comments down?

The reality is that for both personal and medical reasons, I may not do both or either.

Have you said this to her?

I feel uncomfortable and stressed every time she says these things.

And this.

Just tell her marriage and children are not a topic you want to discuss at them moment or near future and you expect it to not be brought up again, that you will let her know the second that changes though.

“Mum, please can you stop mentioning marriage and children? It upsets me when you keep bringing it up as I don’t know what the future holds. Right now I’m happy as I am.”

I've told her the medical issue could affect fertility.

I have never actually said 'I don't feel strong maternal urges and if I do have a child, it will likely be the result of the partnership I'm in at the time if I'm still young enough and able to.' That's basically how I feel. I resent the presumptuousness of her comments about my getting married and having children.

Last week when she said 'if you get married' and I said I might not - her response was 'but you might' - I mean yes, but I am clearly trying to shut down the conversation.

Thanks @TomatoSandwiches I think I probably just need to say this seriously and if she brings it up again I'll need to keep saying it seriously until she understands.

It is very hard to one minute be in your 20s with lots of time, to in your 30s and suddenly time has nearly run out by society's standards. I find it harder to take from my mum because she is a feminist who has long campaigned for equal rights so I had choices and did not have a happy marriage herself. I now feel judged in a way.

I Wonder whether you are hearing more in what she says than she intends, because of your own sensitivity.

My mum is relentlessly critical and frankly nasty. As a result, I often hear nastiness when it's not actually intended.

I think that could be partly true @picklemewalnuts

But I also know that she didn't ever bring up marriage or children until after I turned 30. She just didn't. Even subconsciously she now does and I take that to mean 'ok now it's time!'. I find the weight of that pressure quite overwhelming sometimes as I watch others getting married and having babies - I don't need additional pressure from a parent.

I'm sorry to hear you're finding it hard, OP. I do remember being in my late 20s and a similar situation.

Without knowing all of the situation, it's hard to know if your mother's being thoughtless, or if she's judging, or if she's trying to gently nudge you towards addressing the issue of children/family, etc without panicking you. Maybe she's even just trying to get you to talk about it, in a rather clumsy way?

I think this sounds a bit like a communication thing as much as anything. It's funny how hard it can be to be honest with those who we are closest to.

I think that you probably need to say how you're feeling.

Just tell her that any future plans you might have are nothing to do with her, and that you are disappointed that she has fallen for ridiculous stereotypes. Then refuse to discuss the subjects ever again.

Just a thought: do you think that if she NEVER EVER brings up the subject of children/marriage you wouldn’t overthink it either?

What I think is that you’re a bit sensitive to subject and you might not be as happy as you think you are about the status quo.

She’s your mum. Sit her down with a cup of coffee and spill the beans about what you really feel/are worried about.

Seems a bit harsh. And what are the 'ridiculous stereotypes', here?

I'd say "Mum, do you realise how often you keep bringing this subject up? I love you, and I love spending time with you but I find this subject really uncomfortable, I don't want to discuss it, and the stress of always expecting these little emotional trapdoors whenever we talk risks poisoning our relationship. This is a real problem for me, so can you please, please do your very best not to mention it again."

My late DM wasn't a perfect mother and she desperately wanted GC but bless her heart she bit her tongue valiantly for several years while I was struggling with relationship/fertility problems and she even managed to get my notoriously tactless DGM to lay off, which was an actual miracle. Love you mum.

I'd be fine with her never bringing it up!

I said I'm content but open to dating. Do I sometimes look at friends getting married or having a baby and feel I'm missing out on milestones? Sometimes. But I also have some great things in my life that I wouldn't be able to pursue with a child at the moment.

I did have a serious partner but that didn't work out. I know romantic happiness isn't guaranteed and is often up to luck even if you're putting yourself out there. No amount of pressure helps!