Public Service Announcement re children raised by single mothers

[Clymene]

There is a recently deleted thread about a woman raising a son when his dad said he didn't want to see him.

This is not a TAAT but I wanted to correct the assertion made by several posters in that thread that children - particularly boys - have poor outcomes without fathers in their lives.

This is a myth.

Sadly a lot of single mothers live in poverty and are under immense stress trying to raise the children men have abandoned. It's poverty and poor mental health that causes the poor outcomes.

srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/cdev.13342

The children with the best academic outcomes are raised in lesbian households.

journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0003122420957249

This doesn’t really surprise me.

I’ve seen a couple of studies recently about the comparative lack of conflict in same-sex relationships. I could see that being really beneficial for children. And given the way mothers tend to have a greater focus on their children than father do, lesbian couples would seem primed to be ideal environments in many ways.

That PBP/troll has been doing the rounds for ages - their poor deserted imaginary child is frequently a daughter as well so I wouldn't dwell on the specifics of a fatherless son.

I'm not focusing on the OP but the other posters who said that children really need fathers in their lives, including the one who recommended the execrable Steve Biddulph

Thanks for posting this. I also believed that boys did worse, but nevertheless am (trying to) get divorced because I can't reduce the impact of STBX's behaviour on the kids while he's still in the house (amongst other things).

I've been feeling guilty/scared at what I'm going to do to DS in an attempt to make his life better.

Nice to know it's not true. Thanks

I think boys do better without toxic masculinity in their lives. My DS has managed to avoid it entirely by being raised by me.

But what we really need to focus on is not making single mums poor. Proper CS, proper provision of housing, proper provision of benefits and/or work.

Don't want to pay CS? Great, here's a debtor's prison where you can work at minimum wage until you've paid it back.

I fell for it today and don’t usually as I’ve seen the troll posting a lot! Such a weird person pretending to be a single mum whose ex has abandoned the child they post every couple of weeks!

I have read that children from single mums have worse outcomes in life more likely to have MH issues, drug addiction, commit crimes etc seems to be widely reported

Morley likely to get into gangs

Academic outcomes isn’t a measurement of happiness? Why is that the only yardstick that matters?

So women, by that logic, should avoid your son? And not have children with him?

The lack of father can easily be made up for by having positive male role models, relationships and mentors. For my sons having sports coaches and wider family mitigates that.

The economic impact of being a single parent is definitely harder to mitigate, especially while government policy makes that worse, and fails to support single parent households (for the majority female lead) and domestic violence survivors.

Having a Dad who ping pings in and out of their kids lives, and/or a domestically violent or abusive Dad is vastly more damaging than having an entirely absent Dad, and yet the court system continues to prioritise fathers rights over children's well-being.

The child support system is a scandal as well, honestly and desperately in need of changing.

Sadly it doesn't surprise me that lesbian households. Toxic masculinity is so so damaging.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Evidence?

That's a really good point.

My ds has been raised alone by me and at 18 he's really against and notices misogynistic behaviours. He's very attuned to what woman want and need and about how men aren't the leaders because he's never had that.

He's been raised in an equal household and finds anything else just weird frankly!

As for my views, I think kids need mum more than dad. But a good dad is invaluable to a child, and yes in particular boys. I’ve seen a lot of posts on here by single mums, or mums with ineffective weak husbands, at the end of their tether with their arrogant/entitled/violent teen sons. It’s not a popular view but I think teen boys in particular need the presence of a man who is stronger and more alpha than them to keep them under control.

No, but it tends to be linked to good mental and physical health and economic stability.

How would you measure happiness?

Good to know it’s a myth. Far too many people seem weirdly keen to shit on single mothers.

As a single parent, my biggest issue is finances, so it’s very easy to see how that could be the biggest factor in poor outcomes.

I’m not saying it’s my opinion I said I’ve read it same with more likely to get into crimes have MH issues addiction problems and so on

Brains are genetic so it’s no surprise that clever kids who make more money are happier.

So if you've read that @SpinningFloppa please supply evidence to support your statement. Like I did in the OP. Otherwise I'm inclined to believe you're talking bollocks

I’m also a little amused by the ‘men are so toxic and nobody needs them but MY son is lovely and will be great for a woman in future’.

Seriously, do you really think your teen sons are the same around their friends/girlfriends as they are around you? I could tell you stories about my ‘lovely, well raised, middle class’ male peers that would make your hair curl.

Firstly, there's a lot more to a happy life than academic achievement. Secondly, as the paper states, a large reason for the higher academic performance is that these households tend to be of higher socioeconomic status!

Cuppa no, but his dad was toxic and by not seeing him it hasn't rubbed off on him. There's no twatty blokey culture in the family to influence him.

Or in my opinion they need a strong matrachial figure. My boys have no strong alpha type males around them but they certainly have a lot of strong females surrounding them who they respect.

The absence of a dad doesn’t seem to have stopped my two DDs achieving degrees (maths and business management, from Durham and Edinburgh respectively), happy long term relationships (DD2 getting married next year, DD1 ten years with partner) and both being home owners in the most expensive city in Scotland.
DH died when they were both still babies, and I never remarried, so they’ve had no male role model at all.
Can’t understand why they aren’t unemployed drug addicted gang members - where did I go wrong?!
Jokes apart, as a PP said, it is poverty that affects the outcomes for single parent families, not the lack of a dad. I had a secure income as a hospital doctor, and a good live out nanny while the girls were wee.