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Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Is Mumsnet a 'safe' space?

27 replies

greyfox82 · 10/02/2023 13:53

Rightly or wrongly I use Mumsnet as a sounding board for opinions from other women. A lot of my posts are about being a single parent and many discuss topics to do with coparenting. I find every time I post something (and I've had many name changes) whether it was when I was parenting during a pandemic and my ex was abusive, alcoholic... to trying to work out a reasonable coparenting contact plan for my child my threads will always get hijacked by men. These men are usually very persistent and aggressive and normally have a name which suggests they aren't a man. Why do this?

I deal with men telling me what to do and constantly questioning my version of reality daily in real life, and then to come on to 'Mumsnet' to be given the same treatment, it's just frustrating. These men in question i swear go on boards like this searching for confrontation or to defend how men are so poorly treated in custody cases/the world in general. Why? Can't they find another forum for this?

I genuinely don't mind differing opinions but also like to chat with people who are going through similar experiences. I realise in coparenting situations each situation is different but when you're going through something it can be very lonely so chatting on here with people going through similar is comforting. But so many times, threads then get overtaken by a man/men who overpower the conversation.

I know we all say things other people don't like on here, but to aggressively pursue a point when others don't want to hear it is bizarre. Sorry to post, just feeling deflated as have to deal with my controlling ex and it feels like there are these men everywhere I go.

OP posts:
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 10/02/2023 14:00

YANBU. MN never used to have men pop up all the time. I was very surprised when my gay male friend said he's on MN. He's on it for the intelligent discussion, not to cause trouble. It's supposed to be a forum for mothers, so it must be a compliment that people like him enjoy it. But what else is out there? Reddit? That's the problem - no equivalent alternatives.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 10/02/2023 14:01

But to answer your question, I guess MN isn't a safe space any more.

Clymene · 10/02/2023 14:02

I don't think it's ever been a safe space but it is increasingly targeted by MRAs

endofthelinefinally · 10/02/2023 14:04

We can't stop them coming on here unfortunately. They are always instantly recognisable though.

Original poster
greyfox82 · 10/02/2023 14:04

@Clymene excuse my ignorance but what is an MRA?

OP posts:
Original poster
greyfox82 · 10/02/2023 14:06

@endofthelinefinally I wrote a thread about 50:50 custody and there has been a guy today that has gone on and written lengthy replies to every female who has responded to me. Why? We don't want him in the conversation. Just piss off!

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 10/02/2023 14:11

Men's rights activist.

You have to ignore/tune them out. If you take no notice they can't rile you.

Think of flies in the summer. They buzz about being irritating but ultimately they're just background noise. Don't do the fly swatting dance, that's a waste of energy.

The more we all tune them out, the easier it gets.

summerlovingvibes · 10/02/2023 14:15

Slightly different, but I was on a thread recently where the OP was clearly having a rough time with her young children and loss of identity etc. Her username had something about being regretful in and basically saying she wouldn't have children if she knew what she knew now.
The thread ended up in the daily Mail (or some other newspaper like that) and another poster shared the link. Then MN took the thread down with a comment that it was at the request of the OP.

Although we can't be identified by our usernames, it did make me think about when accidents happen - you hear it all the time about personal data being leaked somewhere or other. It's made me think twice about some stuff that I post.

Original poster
greyfox82 · 10/02/2023 14:16

Surely Mumsnet needs to make sure these MRA can't infiltrate this space so much?

OP posts:
Original poster
greyfox82 · 10/02/2023 14:17

@summerlovingvibes daily mail can fuck off too! I hate this style of journalism where it takes a forum post or something posted on social media and makes it into something it's not!

OP posts:
summerlovingvibes · 10/02/2023 14:21

@greyfox82 agree. It's the first time I've seen it happen on here and was quite shocked. When I looked at the link that was posted, it was basically just word for word the opening OP and then a select few responses of people saying how they'd felt. Luckily my response wasn't included!
But for everyone that was quoted in the newspaper, it must feel shite knowing that their private and secret thoughts that can be vented on here annonomysly are now part of a newspaper article that has been written about how mums hate being parents.
Obviously not identifiable, but I do see some posters on here with what looks like their actual name or initial and surname etc as their handle.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 10/02/2023 14:29

Threads are always being used as click bait for lazy journalists.

The trolls and MRA have become more frequent because they have realised women here don't just talk about baby names and meal planning.

MaverickGooseGoose · 10/02/2023 14:35

I would never consider it a safe space it's a public open forum.

BlusteryLake · 10/02/2023 14:52

Unfortunately MN is not a safe space, partly because of the increase in men coming on and partly because of the tabloid journalists looking for easy click bait. I think you are better off joining a local women's group or similar to know exactly who you are speaking to.

WB205020 · 10/02/2023 14:54

Mumsnet is not and has never been a space designed for women. It's for parents and always has been. The creator of MN has confirmed this on multiple occasions......it even states under Mumsnet at the top of the page 'for parents by parents'.

It's a common misconception that it is designed for women but it really is not. I completely agree that men do nudge their way in with confrontational or argumentative comments but so do a lot of women on here.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 10/02/2023 14:58

Of course is not a safe place, it is a public site not Club Penguin. There’s no way to monitor who is on the other side of the screen.

Personally, I do not have much problem to disengage from the occasional nasty man. I find it more difficult to find myself quoted in the Daily Mail two times even if I was not saying anything controversial at all. That’s where I didn’t feel “safe” someway it felt as if someone could blew up my cover just by looking at my posts in Mumsnet.

MargaritaPie · 10/02/2023 15:08

greyfox82 · 10/02/2023 14:17

@summerlovingvibes daily mail can fuck off too! I hate this style of journalism where it takes a forum post or something posted on social media and makes it into something it's not!

I'm seeing this more and more often- a tabloid (the ones that begin "the daily..." seem to be the worst) use an internet forum post as the source. This includes posts from places like reddit which could have been written by anyone with nothing to back it up.

MargaritaPie · 10/02/2023 15:10

Re OP, I'm going to be honest and some might not like my answer. The forums can be hostile and toxic if your viewpoint goes against the majority.

I've had PMs from users thanking me for putting my views across because they felt unable to engage because of the hostility they would be up against.

Xenia · 10/02/2023 15:12

I think it is relatively rare for men to post but some are very persistent on issues that get them into a right old state - like contact with children.
I don't really want MN to be a safe space as I believe in freedom of speech

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/02/2023 15:14

These men in question i swear go on boards like this searching for confrontation or to defend how men are so poorly treated in custody cases/the world in general. Why? Can't they find another forum for this?

They can't bear women talking together and supporting each other. And PP was right, when they thought it was baby names and the best prams, we were allowed to talk. But serious issues and equality, it can't be allowed.

Just ignore them, they really hate that.

AuntieStella · 10/02/2023 15:14

It's never been a safe space.

It's a wide open and very busy internet site, with a reputation for robustness.

There are no checks on who posters are, and moderation is light, and not proactive (only in response to reports from users)

It is, I think, a mistake to think that MN is a safe space, or to put on rose-tinted specs and pretend there was a time when it was any different.

The change is simply that the site is bigger, and some posters (because of security breaches in the past) tend to NC more often. This means it no longer feels like a cosy group of friends. And that's actually a good thing. Because it's not that, it's worldwide publication. And anyone can join in

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 10/02/2023 15:15

I don't think it ever was a "safe space", nor did it need to be. It's a female-dominated public forum. I love it, and I mostly ignore the trolls and MRAs (and bored teenagers come half term).

Its strength is the diversity, knowledge, expertise and experience of the vast swathe of members. I've learnt such a lot from people here on such a wide range of topics, and I've also laughed or ranted too.

Just scoll past the eejits.

Thelnebriati · 10/02/2023 15:28

I don't think anywhere online can be called a safe space, not private forums, not even the best moderated forums.
Mumsnet do their best and will remove most of the obviously goady comments or posters, if you report them.

SomePosters · 10/02/2023 15:42

Mumsnet is not and never claimed to be a safe space. It’s a public forum.

There are boards that are do not come up on search engines and that you have to be a member for 30 days to post on but you should apply caution even there.

Just because it’s in your hand and pocket does not mean it’s private in any way shape or form. It’s like a huge notice board in a global park!

BoreOfWhabylon · 10/02/2023 15:46

greyfox82 · 10/02/2023 14:16

Surely Mumsnet needs to make sure these MRA can't infiltrate this space so much?

Report them. Ask MNHQ to take a look at their general posting pattern rather than individual posts.

MNHQ can and do ban such posters as "not in the spirit", ime

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