Fleeing with 1 year old

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Hello everyone. Please no hide judgement.
I have fleed to a refuge with my 1 year old.

I feel like the worst mum ever, my son adores his dad and always smiles at him. I don't want to say he's a bad dad.
However the relationship became toxic the moment I was in it. It was rushed i was very stupid for believing he loved me at the start. I have been emotionally abused aswell as some s*xual abuse that happened durning my pregnancy. There's been times he's pushed me over and left me with bruises. He's cheated on my via social media before, I tried to leave him 7 months ago and he was threatening to kill himself etc so I stayed. It became more toxic because I wa struggling to cope with the betrayal but I felt so bad on leaving him. Hes recently decided he don't want me know more and things became so bad for my mental health. We was living together and he was doing everything he can to get a reaction or upset me so i had to leave because my mental state got so bad. Him, his dad and my own mother have turnt against me and trying to get my son took of me, there constantly ringing and saying stuff to social services and childrens center . Luckily the social worker can see what there trying to do and said she's proud of me. Parts of me feels like I have let my son down massively because he loves his dad so much and his father is very upset but still trying to hurt me in ways. I had to put my mental health first. But now Im just over thinking it all. What if I'm being dramatic about this and have caused my son to be apart from his dad?? He will see his dad again once it goes through court as he's already has threatened me with my son. I just feel like I have maybe gone to far by coming to a refuge and taking him away for a while? It's so hard my heads all over. I just wish people could see it from my perspective and that I done it for a reason. But what if I'm genuinely overreacting and it's not as bad as it seems? I read some stuff saying if a mother takes a baby away from there father then the mother must be a monster and not love the children 😢 just want some opinions on the situation as my heads all over. Tia x

I left and went in a refuge when my ds was 10.months oldm his Dad let him.down ..not you. You are protecting him. He is a baby and doesn't understand at this age.

My baby's dad has been crying to me on the phone saying he misses him so much. This is what makes me feel bad.
However he threatened to petrol bomb the house I stayed at until I went to the refuge lastnight with children inside of it. He said he was sorry and just angry.
This is what's hard because it's me he's got a problem with and not our son. But baby's stuck in the middle. It's so hard

I don't want to say he's a bad dad.

Having read what you've written, we'll say it for you. Someone who is so abusive to you won't be a good dad. Don't let this man carry on manipulating you, listen to your social worker.

I keep trying to look at it this way. I use to have to beg him to make a bottle when I first had him or to change a nappy. He would kick if he my son was annoying him while we was eating telling me to grab him.

The only time he's a good dad is the 30 minute interaction he has with him or making him smile.

So yes I think your right actually. He's a textbook covert narcissist so maybe he's got into my head a little to much. X

The only time he's a good dad is the 30 minute interaction he has with him or making him smile.

That's pretty minimal, and with a one year old... How do you thing he'd be with a toddler tantrum or a teenager?

He just about copes with his tantrums now. I would always be called to come and help. Even when I was at a hen do and my first ever night out, he kept ringing telling me he was getting stressed with him.

My brain hasn't had enough coffee for a proper answer, but you have done the right thing.
Many years ago I had an abusive ex who said he'd kill himself if I left. Even told me how he was going to do it. The threat kept me tethered to him for years out of fear. Eventually I did leave and, sadly, he's still alive. If they say it to keep you there it's just an idle threat.

Stop the phone calls for a start. They are making you doubt but the idea of a refuge is to totally get away from the abusive partner. Any communication needs to be through other professionals now

Also this. My ex used to say the same - years on (sadly) he's very much alive and well

A good Dad would not petrol bomb somewhere!

think of your child and yourself. Congratulations for getting away, it will be hard, but it will get easier, 💐

I don't think he's a good dad. I think he uses your son to get to you

You have done the bravest and most incredible thing for both you and your boy. Use this time to think about you and your boy only, well done - you have done the most difficult part, now listen to your social worker and get away from that awful man. You have an opportunity here to make a great new start for you and your baby away from toxicity!

You're an amazing mother for leaving and keeping yourself and your son safe. He doesn't sound like a good dad- domestic violence is seen as child abuse when the children see it, remember that. Your son will thinks it's acceptable and it's not. He is damaging your son with what he's doing and that makes him a terrible father. Your son needs YOU and you're doing a great job by getting away from that evil man. You deserve happiness and to not live in fear. Keep going, one day you'll look back at this time in your life with a clearer head and realise you did the right thing.

Oh love, you are the absolute opposite of the worst Mum ever - you've done what you had to do to protect yourself and your child. I know you say he's not a bad dad but a good dad does not threaten to petrol bomb a house with his child in it., and he doesn't sexually, mentally and physically abuse their Mum either. It doesn't matter how angry he was or how sorry he is now - that's not a safe situation for you or your little one, and he can't grow up seeing that. You're out and safe now. You just have to keep going. Please don't go back to him - it will only get worse. Just keep going. You can do this

Well done for fleeing and putting your child first. You are a amazing mum. Now you can concentrate on building a safe happy life for you and your son. You have done the best thing possible for your son.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. You’re keeping yourself and your baby safe.

He threatened to petrol bomb your house? Please don’t be taken in by his tears over the phone.

Thankyou so much everybody.
I just thought I would update everyone on my first night at the refuge and I must honestly say me and my son have had the best night sleep lastnight and got more hours then we have in the past week. I'm switching of my negative thoughts and focusing on the good.

Your words have helped me and mean the world to me! Xx

You have done the right thing in taking your little one with you to a refuge.

Your baby’s dad will try every trick in the book to get you and his son back to where you were before,
Please do not go back to him, things will be just as bad, if not worse, should you go back with him,
Do yourself, and especially your little boy, the biggest favour of your lives by not bringing him up in such a toxic environment with your ex,
Your futures are much better without him, although it may not seem that way to you right now, believe me, it is,
I wish you great strength and conviction

I will never go back! But I can't help but think I'm being dramatic about all of this now and maybe I took it to far.
Like what if there struggling to cope with him not being there and I'm gonna cause them to be really sad? Like my minds now overthinking but I will not break no contact😢

You are amazing
You did the right thing
You are keeping you and your son safe
Your son now has the chance to grow up free from harm and abuse.
stay strong and do not be fooled - leopards do not change their spots, no matter how much they cry

I read some stuff saying if a mother takes a baby away from there father then the mother must be a monster and not love the children 😢
They're talking about doing it maliciously. Not when somebody is abusive. Good dad's don't abuse the mother. Abuse between parents badly affects any children involved too. Parents usually want the best for their children and don't like them to live in a chaotic or abusive household, so then they don't abuse their partners in the household!

You have done the right thing for both you and your son. Well done. It takes guts!
Being in an abusive relationship messes with your head and it's hard to be the parent you want to be when all this is going on sometimes, so this is definitely a good thing.

I just spoke to the domestic abuse worker, and talking about it made me see how bad of a person he is and definitely not a great dad.
We also think by my sons dads dad messaging people is another way to get a reaction out of me. So I'm ignoring a blocking. It's gonna be a hard journey but I will thank myself at the end of it. Just want me baby to be happy❤️ I'm still taking his dad and grandads feelings into consideration and I need to not to because they don't care about me I'm only hurting myself x

Exactly, your domestic abuse worker will help support you every step of the way,
You are stronger than you think, good luck to you and your little boy, your new happy future awaits.

Well done. I'm glad you've got support from the refuge and are starting to be able to see through the fog.

Although I'm sure you will get plenty of support here, too, you might want to ask Mumsnet to move this thread to the Relationships board. There will be more people there with experience of what you're going through.

OP you've done the absolute best thing for your son and yourself. I know how hard it is to leave. Well done. It will get easier.

I'm glad that there's support for you at the refuge. It can take a very, very long time to recover from an abusive relationship. Please be extra gentle with yourself and check in here whenever you need. x