Staying safe at night rules

[Cloudylawn]

I do a martial art (self defence focus) a couple of times a week, in part so I have some basic self defence skills. Our instructor (male) every now and then sends an email with tips to stay safe when walking alone at night. At the start of the email he says one of the most common reasons people give for joining is feeling unsafe walking at night.

I totally get why he feels the need to send these messages however I get a bit irked as:

1. The messages are sent to everyone but feels somehow like they are really targeted for the women (about 30% of members). Maybe I am just skeptical but I find it hard to believe men joining his club tell him that’s the reason they are joining (even if it is).
2. They are the standard messages women have had drilled into them their whole lives e.g walk in well lit areas.

1. There is no recognition that the vast majority of this violence is committed by men or any suggestion for the majority male membership to think about their own behaviour and/or call out friend’s behaviour to help women feel safe.

He is a really nice guy and I don’t think there is any bad intention behind this but I want to respond with some constructive suggestions for him to share in future. For example any campaigns people can support that focus on the education of men to reduce violence.

So basically does anyone have any links I can send of great resources I can link to when I reply? I’m not always the best at articulating things myself so would love something really clear to refer him to. Also any other suggestions of things I can include in my reply.

Thank you!

I don't see what the issue is. 70% of the people receiving the messages are men, so how can they be targetted at women?
If the messages referred to women needing to be safe I could see your point but they don't.
Point 2 backs this up - women know these messages already, so are they really targetted at them?
Point 3 - why should tips for staying safe at night include any of these things. They are just tips.

The men are statistically more likely to be randomly attacked than the women in the group, so the safety tips are probably more relevant to the men than the women.

You could email him back suggesting he also notify the group with the issues you raise in point 3 -- that the vast majority of violence against women and girls is committed by men and suggest that men in the group could think about their own behaviour and amend it if necessary. For example when walking behind a woman in the street at night do they fall back/cross the road etc. And do they tell their friends' when their behaviour is not acceptable ?

I agree but think you should do it after you finish the course, in case he's not such a nice guy.

I'm not convinced that educating men works tbh. It works on the assumption that they don't realise what they're doing is wrong, which I'm extremely sceptical about.

When somebody burgles your house or steals your car they're not doing it because nobody ever told them it was wrong. Violent men often either have psychological problems or are just nasty pieces of work. Lecturing the good men (the majority) isn't likely to achieve anything more than lecturing the average mother that she shouldn't kill her baby.

I'm not sure the men would appreciate going to the club and being given hints that they are potential women-abusers tbh. The owner likely wants to keep and recruit members, not lose them.

”The messages are sent to everyone but feels somehow like they are really targeted for the women (about 30% of members). Maybe I am just skeptical but I find it hard to believe men joining his club tell him that’s the reason they are joining (even if it is).”

Men are more likely to be attacked and killed than women when out at night. So, I think YABU to assume this especially since you’ve said it is a martial art course with a focus on self defence. That seems to indicate everyone is there because they wish to learn self defence.

”They are the standard messages women have had drilled into them their whole lives e.g walk in well lit areas.” Men get these messages too…

”There is no recognition that the vast majority of this violence is committed by men or any suggestion for the majority male membership to think about their own behaviour and/or call out friend’s behaviour to help women feel safe.”
Why should there be? Are you seriously asking your instructor to apologise on behalf of other men who attack? And it’s not going to come off well of hes going to suggest to his paying customers that they’re frightening women at night.

I think you’ve had some good responses about why he wouldn’t (and shouldn’t) want to make his emails more generally about how 70% of his class shouldn’t act like predators.

I don’t know if you’re right about men probably not being the ones saying they don’t feel safe on the street. This is a self defence class, so the men who attend are more likely to be concerned about being attacked than average. And though they aren’t subject to the same cultural indoctrination, quite a few do feel nervous in at least some situations and are more likely to feel pressure not to avoid being out on their own (may even be expected to be the ones who are alone after, eg, walking a woman home so she isn’t on the streets on her own). Of course you might be right. In my experience men are more tight lipped about their fears and less likely than women to suggest they feel vulnerable, especially to other men they don’t know well. But I don’t think it’s a given either way.

It might be worth a talk with your instructor about your reaction to his messages. Ask him if they are directed at the women. Talk to him about how they aren’t that helpful to you and, you think, most women because the women who attend will already have heard all of this. Maybe point out that it just reinforces the message that they are vulnerable on the streets, when what they are looking for is confidence. Maybe he’d do better talking about how safe the streets generally are and (if true) how much better women who have finished courses like his do.

I do think the point about the vast majority of violence being committed by men is a reasonable one and it might be worth asking him to cover recognizing risk (not just on the street) and who may or may not be a threat. And perhaps, instead of just reinforcing the idea that the streets are dangerous, he could pass on information about actual risks and how those can be minimised instead of (unintentionally, I assume) playing on people’s fears?

If it was targeting women it would advise then not to be in a personal relationship without extreme care. Sometimes perception of risk is not the same as actual risk