Mum groups

[EmptyWineGlass]

Interested to see if anyone else has wondered about this. Sorry it's long, I'm tired and struggling to explain.

I had a baby 6 months ago. Whilst pregnant and after, I've felt a bit of pressure to make "Mum friends" or meet with other parents. I've not felt a need to, but I will eventually take my baby to some groups for her own development&fun and meeting other babies. As for myself, the hankerings that I have are for other things than "mum friends" - I'm dying to have the house to myself and just be quiet! Or to see the friends I've already got more; go on a date with my husband, go to the pub, the list goes on 😁

When I say this people seem to look a bit uncomfortable or like they think this is a bad idea. Which got me thinking - some family members feel uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in the same room as them and they are also in the "get some Mum friends" camp.

Others have brought it up when we're out for coffee and the baby is unhappy and crying the place down - "You'd enjoy this more if you were with a group of other mums with crying babies". I wonder if they'd just rather the crying babies had their own cafe so they could have coffee without them?!

I don't think anyone has said anything similar to my husband.

I find myself wondering if there's some subtle oppression of women behind this "Mum friends" tradition... Do people (esp older, traditional, sometimes religious) feel more comfortable with new mums being put in a group, defining their new identity?

Why can't the norm be for women to just live the life they had before, but with a baby?

Please say if you've felt pressure to join "Mum" groups or change your personality since becoming a parent, I'd honestly like to know

My own mother and my partner both regularly have said I need to go and meet more mums and mum groups.

I haven't really made any good mum friends and my daughter is not 23 months

I think when you become a mother, you do change. It's a transition. And talking to other women who are going through the same as you can make you feel less alone.

I think I saw someone call it "matrescence"

To add, I do go to mum groups and I have done since my daughter was about 9 months. But I haven't made any good friends yet.

I didn’t feel pressure to join mum
groups, but I actively sought them out. However I wanted to connect with other mums. I had no friends/family with a baby. All friends/family were at work all week so I felt lonely and I liked having links with other people living through the same “baby stage” as me. Having said that I would have preferred if I could have accessed that within an existing friendship group or family. I certainly don’t think babies need baby groups.

I do think there is pressure or an expectation for mums to act a certain way. I know when I had the babies people spoke to me more and approached me. like they thought I must be kind and friendly or be open to chatting because I have a baby. I also experienced some weirdness about breastfeeding though I found my family adapted after a few months when seeing my boobs became normal for them 😂 I’m lucky that the town I live in is ridiculous BF friendly.

you said why can’t the norm be for mums to live life like they did before. Is that possible for any parent?. I agree it might be more possible if babies were accepted into more spaces and the world made generally more baby/parent friendly. However I do think becoming a parent does neccissarily change your life. Hard to live like you did before when you have a child to care for. So partly a societal issue and partly an inevitable part of becoming a parent. Even if the world adapted to be massively open and parent friendly just having a baby would be a massive change to your life.

I have made mum friends but not through any particular effort more than Covid meant I kept bumping into the same people & turns out there are multiple kids of the same age on my road / adjacent road.

I don’t understand why people thing you need mum friends? It’s a bit odd, I do feel a lot like these are friendships of convenience that will gradually die out or change. Although the kids will all be going to the same village primary so maybe not 🤷‍♀️

The husbands are definitely in the more acquaintance level.

But all the mum’s have full time professional jobs too

It is a simple fact that it tends to be mums who have time off with babies. That means they are around in the day when others are at work. You can still see your old friends when they are not working but I would’ve been pretty lonely during weekdays if I hadn’t made mum friends.
When your child becomes a toddler if you are not working you need the mum friends so that your children can mix.
Then when they go to school it really helps if you know the parents so you can arrange play dates and parties. People like to know you if they are going to trust you with their child. That said there were a few dads who did the school run and they were always included in the school gate chats.

I think it might be because they think you will be able to bond easily as you have something in common, and support each other through problems. Mums with babies of a similar age are interested in your issues - colour of poo, breastfeeding and so on - whereas other people just want to poke the cute baby and not listen to you moan about lack of sleep etc.

Personally I found them rather awkward. Just because you've both had a baby doesn't mean you have anything in common 😂

My second baby turned one today and I've been to a baby group once 😂

Never felt any pressure to join Mum and baby groups - but I did.

Was a useful way to spend a few hours, especially during the winter months when I needed a change of walls to look at.

You'll find your friends without children will not necessarily be as keen to spend time with you and your baby, especially when the baby is beyond the babe-in-arms stage.

It's a useful way of finding out information - about local schools, activity groups, childcare, general tips on caring for a child, which local teenagers are good for baby sitting, which local GP is good with kids and which HV to avoid like the plague (sorry - bot picking on HV, just as an example. And to have adult conversation during the day. The groups are not just for your baby - they are for you too

One group I was in, formed a baby sitting group - great way to get reliable childcare in the evenings for free, other than reciprocating every now and again. And that's the way you get a date night with your DH. This same group went on to morph into other things as the children got older - eg a book club.

I don't necessarily think your family are uncomfortable with you breast feeding alongside them but they may see you potentially being isolated from others going through similar life stages. Maybe they feel you're too isolated and are unsure how to encourage you to at least try Mum and baby groups. For example, would your older family members be able to recommend the best water babes class ? 20 odd years ago I could have told you where & who, but I haven't got a clue now. But I do know the best rated driving instructor in our area!

You don't have to go to everything on offer - try one or 2 and choose the one you prefer and stick with it for a bit. You wont necessarily make life long friends but you will make useful contacts and you can never have enough of those. I only occasionally see one Mum who was in the group I went to most regularly and that's because she lives along the road from me. I bump into others once in a blue moon, and am happy to have a brief chat.

I don't think becoming a mother changed my personality; changed my priorities yes, but it's unrealistic to think you can have the exactly same life you had before the baby. Why have a baby if you don't make space in your life for the child. I know it sounds trite - but it does take a village to raise a child and the village isn't just about family and existing friends, there is room for other people too.

And it's got nothing to do with oppression. Think of it this way - what if you wanted to retrain as a piano tuner? Other than a training course, one of the things you would do is to link up with other piano tuners - pick up tips from the more experienced, which clients pay up on time and which don't, etc etc. Same with motherhood (except there's no training course for motherhood) - it's good to learn from others experiences and mistakes. The term Mum friends is a bit of a misnomer - these women don't necessarily become close friends. Same applies to the term 'school Mum friends'. They are people with whom you have a potentially useful acquaintance, a network of knowledge, common experience and expertise. You wouldn't knock this in the business and career world, so why discount it for the most important thing you will ever do ?

I think its the opposite of oppression, anything that brings women together over a common cause and to support each other is a good thing. I actively sought out mum friends from the start (in fact before birth with ante-natal classes). DH and I had relocated for work before the DC came along and we didn't really know anyone in our town (we both work in different towns and live in the middle), all our old friends and family were a minimum of half an hour drive away and all working full time. Having local friends with children the same age has honestly been one of the biggest blessings of my life, I still see the other from ante-natal class regularly and our babies are now all at uni, we have been there through for each other through divorce, redundancy, mental health issues (adults and children), diagnosis of special needs and all that entails. I have also made friends at primary school, both my DCs secondary schools, their various activities (Scouts, swimming etc) and my life is so much richer, we have babysat for each other, pet sit, lift share to Scouts, swimming etc, get recommendations for tradespeople from each other etc. As well as eating and drinking out together. We still have our old friends too. So absolutely I would encourage other mums to make friends with one another.

No one has ever suggested this to me. I've been to a few baby groups in my time (for my children's benefit/enjoyment) although I met other mums there they weren't really friends with me, they just happened to have a baby too, it's where things in common ended. Most my friends have children, very few don't so I've never felt like the only person with a baby. If you're a young mum and no one is at this stage yet I could maybe understand why people might suggest it. I have enough friends so there was never any need for "mum" friends. I'm just not into talking babies anyway, love my own but it's dull if that's all you have in common.

Oh and breastfeeding, they have the issue not you, feed wherever or whenever you like. I'd never take myself off to feed no matter who is present.

Also think it's the opposite of oppression.
Groups run by women, for women (and babies) as a support and knowledge sharing group where babies can learn social skills and new mums can share problems and pick up all sorts of tips.
They are also not mandatory.

My children are older now (24 and 16) but I never made any 'mum friends'. I was friendly enough with some other parents a primary school - enough for us to be able to go on days out with the children - but they fizzled out when the children started secondary. I didn't become friends/friendly with any of their friends at secondary beyond having the occasional doorstep chat if they needed picking up.

Because I'd rather my friendships were based on common interests and more meaningful things than we just happened to have children around the same time and lived in the same area.

I attended a few baby/toddler groups occasionally but again, I didn't have any interest in discussing nappies, routines, feeding, developmental milestones any more than I wish to discuss TV programmes (I don't watch TV) or football (I have no interest in football).

I understand that some (particularly new) mums love them amd find the solidarity and support helpful but it wasn't something I ever felt the need for.

It's interesting hearing people's stories.

I agree that they are places where women support each other and that's the opposite of oppression. What I thought might be oppressive is when a woman is made to feel abnormal or wrong for not going to these groups.

Has anyone else felt weird pressure to "go make mum friends"? E.g. family members, in laws etc., repeatedly mentioning it?

I looked up matrescence since you said this! Interesting. I hope you do make some awesome mum friends eventually if that's what you're looking for 🙂

@GreyCarpet I think this is very similar to how I feel. Nice to hear

My baby is also six months old.
I've had relatives ask if I take her to any baby groups or clubs.

Baby will be going to nursery when she is nine months old, so I'm not worrying about her meeting other babies. She likes young children so I think she will enjoy nursery.

I find it frustrating sometimes. I would like to meet new mum friends but I don't think we would have much in common.
A lot of mums that go to a group are stay at home mums and I unfortunately have to go back full time. I think it would irk me listening to them moaning about certain things that I have to do whilst also holding down a full time job...I appreciate that's my issue though.
I would rather meet people that have similar hobbies to me who also have young children, rather than just someone with a baby the same age who has nothing in common with me.
I don't know, I could be totally wrong.

Don't feel pressure. Your baby is only a baby once...do what makes you happy. Your baby has all the time in the world to meet other children, even if you wait until she's toddling around.

@EmptyWineGlass also in laws especially are bad for constantly bringing it up. I've been asked numerous times what groups she attends.
I took her to a music group once and dd was the youngest and the rest of babies were all walking! I didn't meet any people there, just went along with what was happening. I didn't feel an urge to want to go again and dd was too young although enjoyed the atmosphere.
I'm an introvert and prefer going nice walks instead.
My in laws also want to take baby over night and constantly want to 'help' even though I don't want or need any help...it only causes me inconvenience if someone is buzzing about the house, getting in the way of babies routine.
You do you

I didn't feel any pressure, but was advised by a couple of friends and it was the best thing I did. I found it invaluable knowing people with the same age baby and going through it at the same time. The group fizzled out after about a year (I feel largely due to lock down we never properly bonded), but I still keep in touch with a few of them. It was the best thing for me as a new mum