Worried DS is showing misogynistic behaviour

[MummyMichelle32]

DS is only six and showing signs of misogyny towards me and feeling like I have let myself downs as a paren. He's been telling me to get in the kitchen because that's my job and he said to DH he shouldn't do the washing up its mums job. Any advice on how to try and work on this behaviour?

[cofeetablebook]

Well he's not picking it up from nowhere.
Just show him otherwise. He's six, his mind isn't set in stone.

[BiscuitLover3678]

Where on earth has he got this from?
It sounds like he might like the attention it gets him. Have you questioned it? Also you and dp say the same thing and confirm it’s silly and unkind and everyone can do different things.

[TheOtherWoman2]

hes 6 Years old! I thought you were going to say your teenage son is on an Incel forum on redit. just tell him its wrong, he's young enough to be corrected don't panic x

[WeepingSomnambulist]

My son has a school friend like this. I know the parents quite well and can see where it has come from.
If mum tells him off, dad will overrule. So now he says "oh, it's just mum moaning."

Dad doesn't cook or clean. Right now he isnt working but he still doesn't cook or clean so mum is working full time and doing everything at home. The boy will whinge to his mum about dinner being late but not to his dad. He wont pick up after himself because he says "mum will do it."

It all comes from the home. I actually had to sit down with my son and talk about his friend's attitude and how wrong it is because it is so pronounced in that boy's attitude. I didnt want my son thinking it was ok.

Your son isnt getting this from nowhere. It comes from the home. Right now, you're both failing as parents. Might want to change things around the home.

[MyTabbyCats]

Neither of my sons ever said anything like this. Obviously you need to talk to him about it and try to ascertain where he’s overhearing this kind of talk.

[saraclara]

he said to DH he shouldn't do the washing up its mums job

What did your DH say?

Given that your DH was washing up at the time, I'm aiming that your own home isn't run entirely on misogynistic lines. So where is the influence coming from? Relatives? A school friend? Have you asked him who says that men don't wash up?

[ZiriForEver]

I'd let him do some washing up. 6yo can do breakfast plates and spoons once a week, or something like that. Not as a punishment, just as "in a household, the chores are shared, welcome to the team".

[Pineapple41]

It comes from the home. Right now, you're both failing as parents.

Whoa! Kids pick up all kinds of shit from all kinds of places - and he’s barely into primary school… Bit of a wild leap to say both parents are failing!

OP, you haven’t failed - he’s 6, not 26! Just make sure you and your DH a) correct him in no uncertain terms; b) ask him where he got this idea and explain why it is all kinds of wrong; c) ensure you and DH aren’t modelling traditional gender roles wrt housework etc, and d) get him doing household chores regularly so he grows up with the expectation that it’s his own responsibility to clean up after himself. And keep the dialogue open about this stuff - teach him to think critically and not just accept everything he hears.

[WeepingSomnambulist]

@Pineapple41

It comes from the home. Right now, you're both failing as parents.

Whoa! Kids pick up all kinds of shit from all kinds of places - and he’s barely into primary school… Bit of a wild leap to say both parents are failing!

OP, you haven’t failed - he’s 6, not 26! Just make sure you and your DH a) correct him in no uncertain terms; b) ask him where he got this idea and explain why it is all kinds of wrong; c) ensure you and DH aren’t modelling traditional gender roles wrt housework etc, and d) get him doing household chores regularly so he grows up with the expectation that it’s his own responsibility to clean up after himself. And keep the dialogue open about this stuff - teach him to think critically and not just accept everything he hears.

If your 6 year old is already putting women into that little misogynistic box then yeah, you've gone wrong.

[BiscuitLover3678]

@WeepingSomnambulist

If your 6 year old is already putting women into that little misogynistic box then yeah, you've gone wrong.

Or he’s just saying it to get a reaction because he knows how much his parents hate it…


or wanted dad’s attention

[yellowtwo]

ZiriForEver
I'd let him do some washing up. 6yo can do breakfast plates and spoons once a week, or something like that.
That's a very good idea.
Op, if it's not coming from home, it's coming from school. Is this something you could approach the school about, ask them to incorporate some lesson on women, girls and men, and boys and equality and misogyny- in an age appropriate manner.
This group work with boys and teenage boys, the website might have something you can use at home.
menatworkcic.org/how-do-we-support-you/

[Ohhhhladz]

Children do sometimes get an idea in their head even if it makes no sense based on everything else they know. Brains just aren't anywhere close to mature at that age, and it's a rare six year old that consistently employs logic and critical thinking skills.

You (and in this case it's probably more relevant coming from his dad) just ask him why he said that, or why he thinks that. Remind him he knows you and his dad do all kinds of jobs around the house and outside and people do what they're good at and what needs to be done, nothing to do with sex. Then you can remind him that you've talked about this topic before, does he still have questions? I would also ask where he heard it; it may be a specific source who's really pushing a bigoted agenda and that's a different problem from his just parroting some random nonsense thing he heard.

Agree that his dad should promptly say "ha ha, no way! I do the dishes all the time and I know you can too, don't sell yourself short just because you're a boy!", and hand him the dishtowel. Lived experience is always a better teacher than an adult telling you how things are.

[StrawberrySquash]

Also, skimming over the Mum part of it's Mum's job, kids do have a tendency to see things parents do as parents' job because it suits them. So if you are walking to school they will say it's your job to carry their book bag. As a parent you have to manage the shift from doing everything to getting them to take responsibility for more things as they grow up.

And agree with other posters about the 'we are a community, it's all of our jobs to make it work by washing up and doing other jobs.' angle

[namitynamechange]

I think boys and girls also go through a phase of "boys are better than girls/girls are better than boys/boys smell/girls have cooties" round about 6 onwards. I think its probably normal/fine at that age (so long as they aren't like that 20 years later). But the fastest way to cure the "washing up is mum's job" is to say "actually it's your job". He'll stop complaining about his dad doing it pretty soon (and also its not a bad age to start getting them doing chores). If you make it too obvious it bothers you (more than other stuff) though he will pick up on it as an easy way to wind you up.

[Cotton55]

@yellowtwo

ZiriForEver
I'd let him do some washing up. 6yo can do breakfast plates and spoons once a week, or something like that.
That's a very good idea.
Op, if it's not coming from home, it's coming from school. Is this something you could approach the school about, ask them to incorporate some lesson on women, girls and men, and boys and equality and misogyny- in an age appropriate manner.
This group work with boys and teenage boys, the website might have something you can use at home.
menatworkcic.org/how-do-we-support-you/

Seriously??! "If it's not coming from home, it's coming from school"!!!

It's definitely coming from somewhere but i seriously doubt it's coming from school where 95% of the staff are female. It could be coming from gp's, uncles, a friends house. 🙄

OP, what has your husband to say on the matter? Does he think it's hilarious and laugh about it in from of him or does he set him straight?

[Kattouswhiskers]

It could be coming from the other kids at school. At that age they can get ferociously bad for saying 'boys/girls/mums/dads do that'. It's part of their way of understanding the world. Often school won't help- for example splitting the class by boys/girls, having loads of football space in the playground dominated by boys etc.

It's particularly bad at out kids' current school but we're not in the UK and there are much deeper gender stereotypes here.

I'd do a few things. As others said above model behaviours. Directly challenge. Get some books as well- there's a nice list here: www.scottishbooktrust.com/book-lists/picture-books-that-challenge-gender-stereotypes and we also like the Great Big Book of Families which shows that different people do different things in different families.

Also talk to school. They should be challenging this directly. There are quite a lot of resources if you look around: liftinglimits.org.uk/what-we-do/ is one example.

Good luck!

[AnyFucker]

Well, what does his dad say ?

[Kattouswhiskers]

(This is all assuming his dad is on board. If not that's where you start)

[QueefQueen80s]

Please please tell us his dad put him right on it? Women can teach boys til they're blue in the face but its seeing older male role models do the right thing that counts most of all.

[StephanieSuperpowers]

You may need to monitor TV and internet more closely. These attitudes are coming from somewhere.

[Littlechickenhead]

Bow locks.

[Deadringer]

Failing as parents my hole. Op he is 6, he doesn't have any sense and likely says daft things all the time. Tell him not to be so silly, people take turns to wash up, or clean or whatever. He has picked this up somewhere but you and your dh can very easily put him right by your words and actions.

[Miss03852]

Is he on TikTok by any chance?

[Abouttimemum]

Agree with everyone else, he’s mirroring and I’d want to know where that is coming from and tackle it at its root.

interested in what your DH has to say!