Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Why do men do this?

17 replies

crappens · 18/08/2022 22:56

So, you're a woman, out with your (male) long term partner. You happen to encounter someone (another man) who knows both of you, and has done tor a number of years, although neither you or your partner are particularly close to this man. You smile and say hello but the man only makes eye contact and speaks with your husband and doesn't acknowledge you at all.

This has also happened when I arranged for a landscaper to come and quote for some work. I arranged it, I met him at the front door and started to explain what I was looking to have done in the garden area. My husband joined us a while later and as soon as he did, the landscaper stopped talking to me altogether and only spoke to my husband.

After both of these incidents I was confused - my husband has social anxiety whereas I am confident and friendly and can chat to anyone.

Why do men do this? Is it because we women are lesser beings and not worthy of speaking to if a member greater male species are present? Grrr.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 18/08/2022 23:02

It's not just men. I was starting a Uni access course, standing outside the lecture room and scrolling MN while waiting. Woman arrives, all gushy about my tablet, how poor she was, couldn't afford the course books. I was about to say I'd screenshot and email her relevant chapters as needed, but A Man appeared. She dropped me like a stone and gushed on at him. OK, hen.

Kunkka · 19/08/2022 12:36

It happens to my girlfriend all the time when I'm around. People, men and women, start addressing me and insist addressing me, even if im objectively not the right person to talk to and even if I do my best to redirect the conversation back to my girlfriend. It's irritating, infuriating and downright rude.
Men too often are seen as the default expert on any subject. It's 2022...and still I'm not convinced it will change any time soon ...

catandcoffee · 19/08/2022 16:34

No idea but when the plumber started explaining 'things' to my husband...I said 'you're wasting your time talking to him I do all the DIY '

I could see he was pissed off but I didn't care. (plumber not husband)

Husband always backs me up proudly... its one of his very good points.

Discovereads · 19/08/2022 16:42

Why? Social conditioning.

KohlaParasaurus · 19/08/2022 16:42

When DH and I are out cycling, I LOVE it when random MAMILs ride past me without so much as an acknowledgement and strike up a conversation with him 🙄

JenGin · 19/08/2022 16:46

It's infuriating and happens all the time. My husband is very confident and outgoing so maybe they just automatically feel he's in charge of the conversation? To be fair to him, though, he does make a point of bringing me into the conversation if he can see it happening. I use to blame him for it and say that he wasn't letting me get involved but the more I thought about it, and witnessed it, the more I realised it was anything he was doing himself and didn't ask people to address him instead of me.

IglesiasPiggl · 19/08/2022 16:53

A female friend of mine was getting quotes for a new driveway. One guy refused to come and quote unless her husband would be there so he could "explain all the technical bits". She replied that her engineering degree probably meant she'd be OK with the technicalities but he was having none of it. Needless to say, he did not get the job!

Discovereads · 19/08/2022 17:08

IglesiasPiggl · 19/08/2022 16:53

A female friend of mine was getting quotes for a new driveway. One guy refused to come and quote unless her husband would be there so he could "explain all the technical bits". She replied that her engineering degree probably meant she'd be OK with the technicalities but he was having none of it. Needless to say, he did not get the job!

That’s actually a common high pressure sales tactic. If he’d called, the sales guy would have refused to come unless you’d been there too. They want both the decision makers there when they do the quote so they can pressure you into agreeing on the spot to have the work done at the price they quote you.

LilacSky95 · 19/08/2022 17:15

This recently happened to me outside Tesco when I was with DH. My friends brother stopped to chat, but he completely ignored me, didn't even look my way once. Funny thing is, years ago i used to know him much better than DH does, and we were actually good friends! I was worried I'd upset him somehow!

torfa · 19/08/2022 17:28

I used to work in waste regulation years ago. I was training a new guy so took him to a few sites to do inspections, on several of the sites, when I asked a question, the site operator would answer to the new guy (a complete rookie in his second week) and would also ask him their own questions. They barely acknowledged me at all. They grudgingly had to when the poor new guy said "look mate, I'm brand new, she's the expert you need to ask her"
It was so annoying - especially as most of them had met me numerous times beforeHmm

LocalHobo · 19/08/2022 17:32

I'm not sure it is a male thing. I have noticed some teachers (male and female) only address me at parents evenings despite DH sitting next to me.

Discovereads · 19/08/2022 18:22

LocalHobo · 19/08/2022 17:32

I'm not sure it is a male thing. I have noticed some teachers (male and female) only address me at parents evenings despite DH sitting next to me.

It’s a social conditioning thing that affects both sexes. Man things, like DIY then talk to the man. Woman things like children (school, playdates), then talk to the woman/mum. We all do it and have it done to us.

crazycanuck · 20/08/2022 21:53

One of the more gobsmacking incidents like this I had was when my husband and I were just arriving home and I mentioned to the man who lived in the flat next to ours that I loved his older model Jetta, and that I had 2 of them (not at the same time 😁) many years ago. He just sort of blinked at me, and then turned to my husband and started talking to him about the car I had just said I admired 🤨.

OnTheBoardwalk · 20/08/2022 22:01

Car sale rooms are the worst. They never speak to me the driver

i went on my own once, I only went in for service, came out with car

Skimmed and signed the documents. As walking out noticed he'd adding loads of extras to the invoice I’d not agreed to. Yes I know I should have read every line

went straight back to him and he said it was my fault and as a woman I didn’t know what I had agreed to and shouldn’t have signed it on my own

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2022 15:57

OnTheBoardwalk · 20/08/2022 22:01

Car sale rooms are the worst. They never speak to me the driver

i went on my own once, I only went in for service, came out with car

Skimmed and signed the documents. As walking out noticed he'd adding loads of extras to the invoice I’d not agreed to. Yes I know I should have read every line

went straight back to him and he said it was my fault and as a woman I didn’t know what I had agreed to and shouldn’t have signed it on my own

Holy crap! I hope you reported him!

Drivebye · 09/09/2022 16:50

If this happens to me, which it has, I just walk away.

Scottishtizzler · 16/09/2022 07:50

Used to happen a lot in my professional life. Once turned up at a meeting where I was the most senior (albeit youngest) person in the room and was asked to go out and sort out the coffees by the oldest man in the room. At one point, I was told, “I thought you were the tea girl”. Ironically the chap acting like that is involved on the board of a girls private school which does make me wonder whether what value he adds to their education when he can’t visualise women as equals in the workplace.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page