Finding things weird and tough at the mo

[EmmaH2022]

Posting here in the hope that people won't get ragey.

I seem to be having a lot of issues with men at the moment. It feels like more than coincidence and other women are saying the same to me.

I am middle aged, fat and not attractive. I go most places alone. Men seem to strike up conversation all the bloody time! They don't seem to realise when it's intimidating e.g. you are the only two people in the Tube carriage. Actually, I find it intimidating full stop.

There seem to be a lot of nosy questions, especially "where are you from". This is a double whammy of pissing me off because the implication is usually "you are not English" when it's extremely clear that I am, after two mins of talk.

It is now frequently said by men who actually aren't English. It used to be a bit of a racist warning when said by an English person. I'm aware that in the Blair era, it was considered polite to ask about someone's family but I hoped we had moved past "where are you really from". They seem to genuinely think they are being friendly - which maybe they are.

I am genuinely wondering if there's some kind of trend encouraging men to chat up all and sundry. Maybe another social media guy encouraging it? I know the PUAs like to practice on middle aged women but you can usually spot those.

I also notice men I work with seem to want to flirt - almost like the way Pret staff were encouraged to flirt and give away free coffee to certain targets. LinkedIn now reads like Facebook so there might be a connection? No boundaries between professional and personal?

I'm not in touch with media or zeitgeist but a contact said she heard some bizarre stuff in a seminar about communication. One of the tips was just to laugh in conversation, even if the person hasn't said anything funny. It reminded me of a thread here where a poster was worried that the local shopkeeper seemed to be doing that to her. I have one client who does this on the phone. I have no idea how to respond.

Finally, I do find men scarier than ever at the mo. There's an undertone of anger with some of them. I think that's part of society being very angry though.

I was quite friendly with a neighbour but he recently told me has a major problem with anger and is having therapy. I try to avoid him now. I don't float on a cloud but I don't want to be mates with the angry guy.

Does anyone recognise any of this? Anything going on that might explain it? Advice in avoiding it in the first place?

Thanks.

Just me then?

I think things are a bit odd post-pandemic, lock-down, isolation, etc - I don't know if that manifests as men in particular being odder than usual.

Sorry to hear you're finding things tough, though.

Generally, I think 'grey rock' is the best advice for avoiding people - don't make polite concessions, don't engage, just make yourself very boring. Then again, if someone is determined to be an arse you are probably best just moving away.

I don't think it is that
During lockdown, I noticed a desperate need to communicate among everyone. I had to use public transport and it was very male dominated - nature of jobs maybe? - and men and women would want to talk even in the supermarket. But that was a different vibe.

This is something else.

I wear a ring on my "wedding ring" finger if I go away alone, as I did this week. One friend was saying this is now seen online as "woman with whom you can have commitment free sex" and might not be as helpful as it's been in the past.

I've been interrupted while working, with headphones in, on public transport. It's like there's been a surge of entitlement?

Sounds hellish!

Well, yes.

it is almost like the same entitlement that causes all the not trained dogs around now. I like dogs but that is also getting a bit nuts.

it's like suddenly so many men have no filter.

Are you in London?

That sounds exhausting.

I have resting bitch face. So, men tend to just stare at me, which is horrible.

Yes, I'm in London.

so resting bitch face is not a solution either! Does that freak you out?

I can't say I've noticed what you describe about men of recently.
But I agree with the dogs issue - this will level up in about 5-10 years when those who shouldn't have had new dogs during lockdown will either loose their dogs or the will to live and breeders and import rescues will calm down. It's a passing hobby and reality will catch up.
What strikes me here, you seem to have all these friends who apparently get wind of some new secret signals and scripted behaviours. Which is weird. Yes there may well be some men following some stupid made up rules or dares, but, the vast majority of men are living in the real world.
If you truly feel targeted in some ways, do your best to ignore these idiots, be rude basically and look busy and grumpy to put them off.

It's just two women who have shared that info but they are much younger and have a lot more understanding of this stuff.

I'm sure these blokes are living in the real world, but a lot of people are glued to social media so I just wondered. Whatever it is that makes them plonk themselves next to me and start chatting, I hope it stops soon.

I have noticed this. I think it's a backlash to the Me Too movement. Also men being groomed online, l suspect. I've been experiencing random men trying to speak to me recently. Also post pandemic loneliness, loss of social interactions and norms.

I saw and heard a man asking a woman on public transport where she lived and she told him?? She had just moved here from another country and was trying to be friendly, l think. It was too odd.

I move away from these entitled men on public transport, don't give them an inch. As well as Grey rock.

I've seen men in public photographing women also in past few years.

Where I live people do strike up conversations but only quick friendly interactions, and not only men. Not intrusive or scary. I think it's London. I was born there but now live in Yorkshire. Frankly London nowadays scares me and is nothing like it was when I grew up. I suggest moving somewhere less intimidating

I think everyone has become a bit 'off' over the last few years. The people I know who work in hospitality and retail are seeing a lot more unhinged behaviour.

This all resonates and has some crossover with complete lack of privacy, a lot of people don't seem to want privacy and don't seem to get why I want it.

but what's the connection with MeToo? Do you think they are kicking against it?

I also saw that article about men being lonely linked here - from Psychology Today - I wonder if there's a connection. Mum and I both have faces that people always want to pour out their hearts to, but in the past I would say men were very careful about it. Now they're just so full on!

Re London, I hate it now for a range of reasons but I can't move due to elder care. That said, I was in Leeds last week for work. Two men approached me while I was eating alone. The second one must have seen me trying to shift the first one. I had my ipad for work.

Mum has really noticed that if she bumps into someone she knows, in her words, "they just go on and on and on". I think that might be more that people are feeling they need the conversation.

I know some people talk of the 30s as being quite a repressed, formal decade - perhaps in response to the 20s?! I would love it if a more reserved era came along.

I must admit, I don't really remember if women start chatting because that's not scary or annoying.

Yes, I think a lot of people are vibrating with caffeine, drugs and anger that they seem to have got from crazy social media vibes.