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Feminism: chat

Tried to have a friendship with a guy

19 replies

whatsup00 · 01/08/2022 12:59

Hi,
First off, please can you be gentle as I have chronic pain and am really struggling, and I don't know if this has played into this as I'm finding things so difficult at the moment. If this goes into an argument I won't be able to participate in the thread, I just wanted some views outside of my own or to know if anyone has had a similar experience (I think they probably will have).

I am a gay woman. I also have a hobby that is very niche, and is male-dominated. I take part in a website talking about this hobby, and as I struggle to walk at the moment the website brings me a lot of joy and I feel still involved with my hobby which is a big part of my life and something I love.

All had been fine and then one day I incidentally posted that I am gay, as a thread was talking about my ex, and I couldn't take people saying 'your husband' any more and not having to be able to write 'she' and writing 'they'. I've always kept anything personal off these forums. In the thread I posted about my ex and said she. This was a conversation with someone who I thought was a friend.

Anyway, shortly after this there were a flurry of anti gay postings and threads. The first one was about 'how did your parents react when you came out' and had things saying it was unnatural and vile. The second one was about 'how good it is to spend time with a straight woman' and talked about how horrible lesbians were and that it was unnatural again. The third one was saying why does Grindr exist when there is Bumble and Tinder where you can have same sex matches, and it's a case of saying you want equality but wanting more than that. I actually posted on that one saying that Grindr came out in 2009 and pre-dates the other two, but as a woman I can't actually use Grindr yet the OP as presumably a male could, but I'm not complaining about it.

So basically there has been a load of anti gay threads made and some of the posts within them have been horrific, especially the first one, one poster over and over again went on about sin, how much he hated gay and lesbian people.

I am just sick of it. I want to be left alone. I literally just want to be able to have the same as anyone else.

All I did was mention my ex was a woman and now this. It has ruined it for me, something I took a lot of joy from.

I just feel someone has been really spiteful.

Over the past few years I have been through a LOT, some horrendous things. Through this I have kept going with a smile on my face. On that website I have done nothing but try to be friendly and nice to people and now I feel someone has purposely targetted me and more than that actually tried to upset me and be spiteful.

I don't even think I want to handle it any more, I feel like i just want to leave the site but why should I miss out.

People think gay people and women have equality these days but we don't. It's always there under the surface, a small step away. I know worse goes on in other countries but at the same time, this is hateful.

I am just really sick of it.

Anyone dealt with similar?

OP posts:
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whatsup00 · 01/08/2022 13:02

The second thread went on about how lesbians were unnatural and how good it was to spend time with a straight women who they could touch like a normal women and reacted normally and so on. It was really weird. It is like they have a hatred of both women and gay people.

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90redbaloons · 01/08/2022 17:25

I'm so sorry you have been treated in such a cruel way. I too am a lesbian and have dealt with very similar things, people telling me how "unnatural " it is to be gay, how it's a "sin" etc and if I had a pound for every time some creep tried to think he could be the one who could "turn me straight ", well I would be very wealthy.

It sounds like sour grapes and a whole pile of bitter misogyny with this guy because there are some men who seem to think they can still wear us gay women down and as I said, turn us straight. If this person is still contacting you or it's on a forum, I would definitely say to try to block them and not allow them anymore access to your time.

So sorry you had to deal with this and hope you are doing okđź’•

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AltitudeCheck · 01/08/2022 17:59

Sorry you're dealing with this OP. Despite all the advances sadly there's still a lot of homophobic views and misogyny out there.

Does the website you use have an admin or moderator you can flag these threads/messages to? Many websites & groups have some basic 'rules' and it's likely these posts are in breach of those.

Don't let the views and actions of an individual or small minority push you out of this group.

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whatsup00 · 01/08/2022 23:29

Hello,
I've come back later tonight (after being out all day to clear my head) and I want to say thank you for the lovely responses. I didn't know what kind of responses I'd come back to.

I am sorry that you have been through similar.
I've had the turning thing too and male friends thinking they were on a date with me when we had arranged to meet up to get food or to go and watch someone play a guitar.

Or men saying they can't believe I am gay, have I ever had a boyfriend and other more intimate gross questions.

I don't see how it can be unnatural to be gay because I was born this way, I certainly didn't choose it. Just the same as I didn't choose to be a woman, to be white, to be English, etc. They are all random rolls of the dice.

I don't see why anyone would actually choose to be gay given the amount of strife you go through.

It obviously really pissed this person off and it is sad.

I have repeatedly contacted the site admin and they delete and apologise but it never really changes. They don't ban whoever is behind it. And I feel like hatred is just flourishing there.

It makes me feel sick.

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DOBARDAN · 02/08/2022 11:54

Sorry to hear about that.
The spiteful, hateful, things that were posted are a reminder to you of just how lucky you are to be you. Who would want to be them, with all that negativity bubbling away inside of them.
Just be thankful you are not like them and live your life how you wish. What they wish you to be, or not to be, is their problem, not yours.
They will say all kinds of stuff borne out of mysogyny and the belief that they are God's gift, so women should feel they're irresistible, they have nothing better to do than spread their hate online.
I think they should be banned from whatever site it is, although no doubt they could simply create another account and continue with what they're doing.
Rise above them, ignore or block them, leave them to their misery, and continue doing what you enjoy,
Enjoy your life!

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whatsup00 · 02/08/2022 14:56

Thanks. That is really kind. You know, all of this has affected me so much I was scared to come back to read the responses in case they were bad here! It's silly.

It has restored my faith a little.

Despite my love of the niche hobby, maybe that place is not the right place for me. Which is sad. I did love it there. Until all of this.

You are right, I don't want to let it affect me. I've been through more than enough (chronic pain and so on).

My cousin wanted to do an article on it but I am trying to persuade her not to..

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howdoesatoastermaketoast · 02/08/2022 18:06

I'm really sorry this happened to you OP.

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TheBatwoman · 02/08/2022 21:28

Sorry to hear that you’ve been treated that way. I’m also gay and have lost people that I thought were friends because of it.

Possibly a stupid question, but is there a an alternate space for you to still be involved in your hobby that may be a bit more tolerant?

I kind of get it - when I was younger I had a similar hobby/interest that I had grown up loving. I was not welcome in that space either because of my sexuality. Eventually I drifted away from it and just stuck with hobbies and social circles where I felt welcome.

Unfortunately I would have to agree and say that homophobia is still very much alive and well in many spaces. That said there are many people that do not feel this way and I hope you are able to surround yourself with more supportive and tolerant people. Deep down I do believe it will get better. Sending big hugs Flowers

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BEAM123 · 02/08/2022 21:42

I am so sorry you went through this. I had similar comments in the 80s and 90s and it made stay in the closet and try harder to be straight.....a failed endeavour!
Since finally coming out I have had a couple of ignorant but not ill-meaning comments along the 'what a waste' theme but largely positive.
I guess it varies depending where in the world you are but if your hobby group is based on a social media site you can report it through the platform as well.
Meanwhile, just be thankful you are a lesbian and don't ever have to deal with dating morons like this! You could even state that just before you leave, that it's dicks like that who make you happy to be gay.
Or if the admin aren't handling it, just call him out and make him look like the idiot he is/ they are every time they posts....you might find others post in support of you.
Is there another site for your hobby you can join?

There is always Jill Scott's motivational quote to use as well!

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FeelinSpendy · 02/08/2022 22:29

Unfortunately male-dominated hobbies can often attract a certain type of man. It sounds like there are one or more of the very worst type of misogynists on the site. They hate women in general and have a particular issue with any women that they know won’t sleep with them. To these kind of men, women are only good for sex and if you’re gay then it means there’s no chance of you sleeping with them (although how this type of man ever manages to get any woman to sleep with them is beyond me).
Is there another website you can join about that hobby instead? Or, failing that, rejoin the one you’re on with a new name. You shouldn’t have to but if you really want to stay on that site it would be a way to avoid the targeting.

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ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 25/08/2022 20:06

The second thread went on about how lesbians were unnatural and how good it was to spend time with a straight women who they could touch like a normal women and reacted normally

God almighty! I'm a straight woman, and the thought of fuckwits like that touching me makes me vomit. I would however react normally, ie by telling them to shove their heads down a toilet. and keying their cars on the way out

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youkiddingme · 25/08/2022 20:19

I'm utterly shocked and appalled that anyone would think this way and treat you this way. I agree with the other posters that it's probably misogynistic men who think they have a right to shag every woman on the planet and take it as a personal affront that you don't want to sleep with men at all. No doubt straight women that aren't up for their games would just be frigid bitches. It amazes me any woman would touch them with a barge pole.

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TokidokiBarbie · 27/08/2022 16:23

I'm really curious what the hobby is, although obv don't want OP to out herself. Most guys I've met find the thought of lesbians hot but are disgusted by gay male sex.

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MsAmerica · 28/08/2022 22:00

This is particularly discouraging as it relates to sexuality, but let's face it: Men are awful to women online, and it could also have been attacking someone for being fat, or elderly, or poor, or Muslim, or anything else.

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ArabellaScott · 29/08/2022 08:44

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 25/08/2022 20:06

The second thread went on about how lesbians were unnatural and how good it was to spend time with a straight women who they could touch like a normal women and reacted normally

God almighty! I'm a straight woman, and the thought of fuckwits like that touching me makes me vomit. I would however react normally, ie by telling them to shove their heads down a toilet. and keying their cars on the way out

Yep. This is exactly the kind of creep most women do well to avoid.

It is like they have a hatred of both women and gay people.

The two often go hand in hand.

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ZeldaFighter · 04/09/2022 18:59

I'm so sorry to hear about this. You sound like a lovely, interesting person and I'm furious that anyone thinks it's OK to be abusive and horrible like that. If you have the strength, stay and don't be pushed out of your hobby. Keep reporting the hate and maybe mention how hate crime is illegal.

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Babdoc · 04/09/2022 19:10

OP, take screen shots of the worst comments and go to the police. As PP says, this is a hate crime and illegal.
This creep deserves to have the salutary shock of uniformed police officers turning up on his doorstep. Even if they just give him a caution, it will make him far less likely to risk posting any more of his poisonous shit online.

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SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2022 20:08

From your thread title op, does that mean you know has posted the worst stuff and it's a man you thought you were friends with? If so can you call him out on it?
Kinda of "I'm really hurt by what you've posted Bob, we've always got on well but now you've turned on me because I'm a lesbian. Presumably it offends your ego to think some women just don't want a man. I'm sorry you've got such bitterness in your life but please keep me out of it"

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LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 29/10/2022 10:14

Sorry you are facing this op!

I don't suppose it helps much to know that men who treat you like this (often found amongst those preferring make-dominated activities)are exactly the ones who treat straight women badly too.

Deep down they regard all women as support creatures - there to meet the needs of men when 'honoured'by demands to do so.

By saying that you are lesbian you are refusing the 'honour' of being with them before they even asked . Unthinkable ! A threat to the order of things! Your preference becomes an affront -an attack on them.

Straight women who turn them down also get the treatment you describe. They will be: unnatural/slags/ prick-teases etc.

Their behaviour must make the world seem a place of hate. It isn't! They are the unnatural ones. They should be outed and shamed for their misogyny and homophobia. A site that lets them get away with this is one of the Internets dark corners.

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