Upset at school report 'he' feels like a bereavement

[Peterbear]

Can anyone help me deal with this.
Dd in year 9 presenting as Male and says she is none binary. I'm trying to be open minded and supportive - have let her sked me to use they/them - which I am going to try to do (I know I'm using she right now!)
Just had her report and it's crap but more upsetting to me is the use of 'he' in it. I've been sat here sobbing - I'm really happy to support my child to be whatever they want but I'm struggling to deal with what feels to me like grief.
I have massive reservations about the current climate and lack of discussion-between both 'sides'.
Mostly though my 'daughter' no longer exists and I don't know how to deal with that. Googled but all info very polarised. Anyone any experience/wise words. Be kind plz . Thanks

I'm not surprised you feel sad and "bereaved" about the situation it's very painful to be thrown such a big curve ball.

If your DD is non-binary why are the school using "he" or is she telling the school she wishes to transition?

I'm not surprised you feel this way. I'm a teacher and I absolutely hate the way we are just all of a sudden told to change the name/pronouns of students on a whim and sometimes without even consulting the parents. In one case we were told to use the new name/pronouns in lessons but as the parents didn't know to switch back on parents eve so they wouldn't know about it which felt all kinds of wrong. Students, especially girls are now just doing it all the time as it seems to be the in thing, much like being a goth or alternative was back I'm the day. This is all getting totally out of control now.

So school and adults are encouraging children to keep secrets from their parents.
That feels like good safeguarding practice.

Not.

This is so complex and complicated , I have worked in education for 25 years .
Every person is an individual and every person should be treated with respect so many different reasons for choices.
Keep looking for support and understanding where you can and eventually you will find it .
What I mean is get some guidance and counsel but choose wisely and keep searching
You can be and will be the best support for you child
But get the support you need also
Clear understanding takes time
Xxx

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and can totally understand how you feel. If one of my children decided to change their gender I would try to be as supportive as I know how to be, but would struggle internally in the same way you are. My son is my son, it would take a lot of work and adjustment (and time, which some of these situations don't seem to allow for) to suddenly see him as my daughter. Most people would feel the same I think.

It's concerning that the school is using 'he' when you child has said to you that their pronouns are they/them. Have you asked them (the child and the school both) how this might have come about?

This is all getting totally out of control now

Absolutely - we are going to look back in this era where adults let children make these awful mistakes in the name of ‘inclusion’

I have no doubt these conditions exist, but not to the extent that it’s talked about and given air time.

Yes as @mistermagpie has suggested, I would query the use of ‘he’, if you can before the school breaks up for summer.

Sorry you’re going through this. No real words of wisdom, all you can really do is be supportive and try to steer them away from anything irreversible until they are older.

Thanks all I appreciate your views/support - will speak to the school (will be in September now) - have made it clear I will be supportive to a point but absolutely no binding/hormones until 18 . It's a bloody minefield and I find it hard to believe that nearly all the year 9 girls are in the wrong body. Why? Since when? ( ofcourse one or two may be none binary or trans but not half the bloomin year group). If I say this I'm accused of trans phobia which makes me feel like crap. :/

Why? Since when?
Since the schools started making it a big issue. Also, I think the children get to see how anyone trans gets a lot of attention and treated as special.

If they are non binary then why have they been referred to as he?

If I say this I'm accused of trans phobia which makes me feel like crap. :/

Which are the tactics of cults. We need to wake up and start kicking back.

Hmmm I hear you three tulips but tricky to know how exactly when you're in the middle of it.

My son told me he was trans when he was 18, I told him I would support him but I questioned him a lot about it and I also told him that I wouldn't facilitate anything for him except counselling. If he was truly trans and determined to transition then it was up to him to do all the research etc.

I said I would help him to do make up, find which style suited him clothes wise and that he could wear whatever clothes he wished around the house but the actual medical stuff was all him.

He never did a thing?! No change whatsoever including hair, clothes, demeanour, no doctor appointments.

He also told me he was gay at the same time as the trans thing.

He now says he is in love with his co worker who is female?

To say my head has been screwed with is an understatement.

It is a phase/trend in my eyes and an extremely manipulative one at that seeing as any questions you have are held against you and deem you as anti trans, rather than the reality that you are a concerned parent.

I also asked my son many questions about his choice of tattoo- I was not deemed anti tattoo for that?🤷‍♀️

You are in a very difficult position as your child is younger and the school are enabling her, but I would just try to hold your position on the no medical stuff until 18, but I would also try not to give it air.

Pay no attention to it, let her crack on and just yes dear, no dear your way through it and god Willing she will come to her senses.

But I also wanted to say that I completely understand the grief you feel as I was the same. Unless someone has been through this they might not understand your feelings.

Our school has removed all gender specific pronouns from school reports. Absolutely no he/ she at all. Only uses they and their.

I despair at how widespread the removal of sex specific language has become in schools.

Phoenixrebirth....hmmm that's all very interesting thanks for your response.

Being trans in my DD's school is almost the norm.

I have two teenage girls there and they have both told me they are bisexual and each have virtually no heterosexual non-trans friends in their large friendship groups.

When one of our DD's told us she was bisexual she seemed to think it was going to cause quite the drama and was almost disappointed when it didn't.

Almost like she wanted something to rebel against and then when there wasn't any horror or push back from us then there was no point.

If they get taught that anyone who doesn't fully fit the male/ female stereotypes is non binary, then it's not surprising that most decide they are really is it? I wonder if you could talk to your child about gender "traits" and stereotypes, about how you feel you do our don't fit them personally, and other people you know do, or famous people. To open up discussion about how people can be any kind of mix they like, but use people whose gender identity has never been questioned - ie people who are simply seen as the woman or a man that they are. I wonder if you could get them to reposition their identity to "I am not a stereotypical girl/women in all ways" and see that there is huge variety in what women are and can be as people.

The teacher who wrote the report should never have indulged this. I would be complaining and doing all I could to get them out of the classroom.

As a compromise, the teacher should have repeatedly used your daughter's name, instead of using any pronouns, IMO.

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk

This group is for parents like you OP. It's not full of Stonewall nonsense and is completely run by parents in the same situation as you. Hope you find some good support.

Safe Schools Alliance is another organisation that may be helpful for you, especially in your discussions with your dc's school.

The preliminary findings of a recent investigation into the NHS Gender Identity services has stated that schools should not socially transition pupils.

https://safeschoolsallianceuk.net/2022/03/26/the-cass-review-into-gender-identity-services/amp/

Agree it is a safeguarding matter if not with your consent of even knowledge. In any case why should a school report not refer to the child by name? Never mind he or she or they or anything else.

I would imagine that it was all teachers and not just one, if a full school report. The teachers will have been told what pronouns to use and are just complying.

It's gone crazy.

The school has no right to change your child's pronouns without your consent. Its your right as the parent, not theirs.
There's some good advice on this thread;
www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4287310-Advice-schools-socially-transitioning-children-without-parental-knowledge-or-consent

I despair that schools are getting away with this. I can't mop the blood of a child's face in school but schools are now name changing and gender changing as a child demands
. That surely can'/t be legal - interfering in such a major life event and.parents to know nothing about it. 7

The report should have said "they" and not "he". If the school wants to go all the way and jump into the rabbithole, then do ALL the reports with "they". But this is not on...... your child is a confused, well, child!!! Imagine they un-confused themselves in a couple of years time?!