NC as potentially outting and apologies may be quite long.
My DH is still in contact with his school friends. We live all over the country but meet up for weddings and christenings and pre covid maybe another once a year.
Until fairly recently, DH and I lived England and reasonably close to a couple of the friends. I only ever saw the friends at group events except for one Max. We were both keen horse riders growing up and on a handful of occasions, we went to horse racing events together, just us, I think DH maybe came once but he isn't that interested so was pleased I had someone to go with.
DH and I started spending more time with family who live else where in the UK during covid and have since moved so we have rarely seen Max since covid began if at all and we don't keep in regular touch.
A few months prior to covid kicking off, Max came out as gay. Since then, he has started making new friends and has had a couple of medium term partners, one of whom lived with him for a few months. Whilst we haven't seen Max during this period, it's clear from his social media that he has changed a lot and his political views in particular now strongly oppose mine and DH. Max made a few choice remarks in the WhatsApp about DH and my political views during covid which was surprising but dh accepted them as 'banter' . Many of DH friends have different political views, it's no problem to us. Most of his friends are not really into politics so it's not a topic thats really discussed but as a member of my family is an MP and my family regularly support this person, people are well aware of my persuasion. Before meeting me, DH wasn't particularly involved with politics whereas now, we share many views and he has attended events with the MP family member. Its not something we really speak about with others though, because who needs the hassle of divisive topics, particularly when amongst friends you rarely see.
Last summer, DH and I were visiting family abroad when out of nowhere, Max started sending messages to my DH via their school friends WhatsApp group about what a terrible person DH is. He said that DH has been brainwashed by me and is a different person as well as a load of nasty messages including that he never wants to see either of us again and he hopes I die.
Not long after, a friend was having a small engagement meal. Max was going and it was going to be a small group. We spoke to the engaged couple about the Max situation and we said we didn't feel that comfortable but also, due to flight times, we also would have needed two nights in a hotel which seemed excessive so we sent apologies. 9months has passed since then and in that time, there has been no reason for DH or I to need to see Max.
On Friday evening, we attending a christening with a meal and dance in the evening to celebrate. Max was attending but as it was a large group, we didn't think much of it. For the christening in the morning, I didn't actually see Max at all and at the celebration in the evening we were at different tables for the meal and there was enough people there so DH and I were able to avoid him without actively avoiding him. After the meal, there was one instance when I was having a photo taken and he came over to speak to some of the people I was with. Without any fuss, I quietly sloped off.
Later, at the dance, he came over to my DH and gave him a hug from behind and tried to pull me in saying 'blue elephant it is wonderful to see you'. I stepped away from the hug and said Max, I saw what you wrote about me, how can you say that yet also say you want me to die. Max walked off.
Later on, DH and I were leaving to head to our hotel as we had an early morning flight home. On the way out, one of DH friends who is probably Max's closest friend, was smoking a cigar outside said what's happened between us and Max, Max had told him that I had said some terrible things to him when he was just trying to chat. Quite bemused, I told him that's not what happened and I had simply repeated some of the things that he had said about me in confusion as to how that marries with him being thrilled to see me. The friend was quite confused, he said his loyalty was with Max but he was sorry that this happened. DH and I had a taxi waiting and said we had to go but it was a lovely day and night and great to see him.
In the morning, DH woke up to the group WhatsApp again filled with vile messages about DH and I but particularly aimed at me. The messages are truly awful.
None of DH friends have called out Max behaviour this time nor last time. DH spoke to one friend about it and he said to DH that he agreed it was wrong but everyone had a lot going on in their own lives and don't want to get involved and just to ignore it.
On the one hand, that's fine. Going forwards, I will just avoid Max completely at all future events. However, the reaction of the others is quite upsetting. At work, we are constantly told, if you come across anyone being talked down to in any way, you should speak up, as part of diversity and inclusion. If you don't speak up then you are condoning the behaviour and complicit. These other friends wouldnt want their own wives spoken to like this. They have seen the level of abusive messages that were levied at dh and I but mainly I, and they are happy to accept that.
AIBU to not want to attend any events hosted by any one of them nor have them in our home any time in the future? Happy for dh to attend events but I don't think I want to spend any time with people who accept someone being treated like this.
Max has always been a class clown type character. I believe if it was anyone else in the group speaking to a women the way he has written about me, people would be horrified, but he gets away with it.
Wwyd?