Advice for 15 year old daughter

[thisismyyear2022]

Please could you wise ones offer some advice. My daughter keeps getting her friends telling her about instances (and has experienced some things herself), sometimes classed as banter sometimes way more sinister, of where boys in her school are doing inappropriate things. This can range from the age old pulling of bra straps to inappropriate and uninvited touching, and photos of upskirting. Many of the girls are just resigned to this, with some saying nothing will ever be done especially in those cases where they are unable to identify the perpetrators or have evidence. I've suggested a letter of examples, and if no action is taken then to escalate it to the governors. I guess we're just not sure of what can be done, is it just about education, is another "talk" going to have any impact? Are we fighting a losing battle?

I would start by you and your DD keeping as specific a record of instances as you possibly can, whether or not the perpetrators can be identified by name. You don't have to name the other girls either, you could just refer to them by their initial. The idea is to have a documented record of the scale and frequency of occurrences. Then I would take that to your DD's Head of Year, or other suitable pastoral leader, and ask them what the school will do to address this behaviour. You could reference recent news stories about Everyone's Invited, and the stats about sexual assaults at school

It sounds like a massive issue with the culture of the school, where boys are accustomed to behaving like this and the girls believe (whether rightly or wrongly) that the teachers are going to minimise and take no action. It would need a significant ongoing focus to shift that kind of mindset, with work needed across the school. It can be done, but getting it started and shifting the current inertia could be difficult if the senior leadership is in denial/minimising.

My 14 year old neice has no problems with this anymore. She did break a boys nose for harrassing her and upskirting her and a friend.

I don't advocate violence but now she has a reputation as someone not to be messed with she and her friends are left alone. It's sad that it takes violence for this to happen.

Oh, and the boy she hit had driven an 11 year old to attempt suicide because he bullied her into sending pictures which he then showed his friends. His father's response, boys will be boys and the little girl he bullied and harassed should have known better. Made me laugh when my sister responded to his complaint against my neice with well, girls will be girls and he should expect consequences for his actions.

@UltraVividLament

I would start by you and your DD keeping as specific a record of instances as you possibly can, whether or not the perpetrators can be identified by name. You don't have to name the other girls either, you could just refer to them by their initial. The idea is to have a documented record of the scale and frequency of occurrences. Then I would take that to your DD's Head of Year, or other suitable pastoral leader, and ask them what the school will do to address this behaviour. You could reference recent news stories about Everyone's Invited, and the stats about sexual assaults at school

It sounds like a massive issue with the culture of the school, where boys are accustomed to behaving like this and the girls believe (whether rightly or wrongly) that the teachers are going to minimise and take no action. It would need a significant ongoing focus to shift that kind of mindset, with work needed across the school. It can be done, but getting it started and shifting the current inertia could be difficult if the senior leadership is in denial/minimising.

Thank you so much! That's pretty much what we're doing just wondered if I was missing a trick!!

@Glenthebattleostrich

My 14 year old neice has no problems with this anymore. She did break a boys nose for harrassing her and upskirting her and a friend.

I don't advocate violence but now she has a reputation as someone not to be messed with she and her friends are left alone. It's sad that it takes violence for this to happen.

Oh, and the boy she hit had driven an 11 year old to attempt suicide because he bullied her into sending pictures which he then showed his friends. His father's response, boys will be boys and the little girl he bullied and harassed should have known better. Made me laugh when my sister responded to his complaint against my neice with well, girls will be girls and he should expect consequences for his actions.

Lol nice one! It's horrid that girls are reduced to having to react like this. Unfortunately my daughter in particular is the most passive person and just would never be able to react whether it was with violence or otherwise. Plus the boys are clever now and they isolate the girls and gang up on them, overpower them with numbers. I know it's been a big issue for the school way before we moved to the area!

My 14 year old neice has no problems with this anymore. She did break a boys nose for harrassing her and upskirting her and a friend.

Seriously, she may well have saved many other girls from the same behaviour, both from this boy and his friends.

Look at the Everyone’s Invited campaign - it’s about exactly this, there’s a huge amount of info about this that your daughter and her friends can use to energise themselves

Collect lists and examples, add to the campaign, and take the info to the school. Use the advice available to insist on action. Some of this eg upskirting is illegal and should be reported to police.

Upskirting is an offence

Something needs to change in the culture of that school and I’m sure the school
Would be happy with this.
Get specific instances, write down details, name boys involved or boys in area at the time and take it to the head of pastoral, head of safeguarding and the head or deputy head. EVERY SINGLE time.
Trust me, they’ll thank you for it. Having something concrete is invaluable in schools
As the kids always deny, and other kids are worried about ‘snitching’
It make bullies and sexual harassers hard to
Catch.

I’m another one who thinks a good f-ing kick in the balls or a bunch in the gob is entirely justified…

Log it and report it 👍👍

Like the comment about being left alone after direct action 👍

Sad really but she made her point in words of one syllable but physically 👍

Report every single incident. Don't be afraid to name and shame. Schools can only take action if they have evidence.
My DD was bullied in yr 8. Stuff that the boys involved would have called banter. She told me and was happy for me to take it up with her Head if Year. I reported every single incident and DD was prepared to be named. School absolutely stepped up. This kid (and others) no longer bother her because she has a rep for snitching. As far as DD is concerned this is a total win!