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Feminism: chat

Book - an introduction to feminism

8 replies

LittleNinaNanar · 06/12/2021 00:11

Hello

I have a Godchild who is turning 21. I think she is probably in a controlling relationship (cut her friends off, living with him in his mother's who appears to also be quite controlling. Stopped all her activities that she loved)

I'm hoping she will somehow get herself out of this situation eventually. She and her parents are just about in communication with her. But one worded texts every few weeks or so is all that they are getting, if that. Can be normal enough at that age. She has been with him since she was a young teen.

In the meantime I would really like to get her a first book that may ease her in to 4th wave feminist thinking. As I am fairly new to thinking this way (to my shame) I don't know where to start. Obviously don't want to freak her out and put her off.....any suggestions?

Thanks for taking the time to read.

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CheeseMmmm · 06/12/2021 02:22

God that sounds awful.
Is she near? I mean I don't know what to suggest. You must be close to parents? Are they v worried thinking about what to do? Can you let them know worried etc?

I know that's not what you posted about but it's got to be so worrying.

In her position i think that a book about feminism is not a great choice imo.

What will controlling DH make of it? Potentially he will notice and not like at all. Just seems a potential risk.

If I was in her position i mean. It sounds like a very strong hint really. Maybe even might feel as pointing out she's... Failing or something. Sounds horrible but a book about women fighting for their rights etc may be fine of course but chance may not go down well.

Is she in a position to take time reading books esp ones about women's rights?

Has she shown a definite interest in feminism? You say you want to ease her in do you know she is actually interested?

I mean that's my thoughts.

I'm also not sure what 4th wave is, that's back to more 2nd wave I think maybe... it's not important.

Do books day 2nd, 4th etc generally? Don't think so. Also authors all have different takes even when label (theirs or given) same.

A history with major activism, what happened etc might be good? More general interest.

In the end though I think something to really cheer her up might go down better?

I know you want to help in just not sure about that choice iyswim sorry.

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Doona · 06/12/2021 02:50

Recent books I've really liked are women and power by Mary beard. It's about 4 years old now though! But it's nice, about history. Also, bossypants by Tina fey. Also a bit old now, but funny. Girl, women, other by Bernadine Evaristo was great. A bit literary. My personal favourite of all time is a room of one's own by Virginia woolf. Just so charming, but that's from a previous generation. I've recently ordered of women and salt, by gabriela garcia and the world's wife (poetry) by Duffy. I don't know if they're any good yet.

I got given how to be a woman by Caitlin Moran, which I disliked but it might be a good intro book and I think she's written more since. Quite brightly written, she's a journalist. Not much depth of thought, though.

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LittleNinaNanar · 06/12/2021 05:42

Thank you for suggestions and thoughts both. Yes I am close with parents. There were about six months of non contact and then in the summer she visited them once and since then the odd bit of communication. (Which to me was a big hopeful step)

Since being with this lad she started putting her parents down, suggesting they were embarrassing as they weren't married, didn't own a house, basically adopting strange (I suppose snobby) views that she would berate them for along with other stuff that may be too outing.

As someone who was with an abuser at that age I can see how it's possible to plant negative ideas about the people you love the most in order to create division.

Perhaps she has rebelled late and I get the sense that his mother may be happy enough to let their relationship remain strained. (God.Daughter repeatedly said she was the 'daughter her boyfriend's mum never had')

I don't see enough of her to really know and am trying to remain umbiased. I've met the lad twice and it felt uneasy. Head down, bit of a grunt and just wanting to not be near us (I guess that's not uncommon at that age) but those views seem so unlike her.

As it's her 21st she'd probably wouldn't overthink it unless it was obviously about types of abuse.

But something like 'women in power' might work as she is studying business or as suggested a general history would be the right move. (Another thing that seems hopeful as at one stage she was going to give up education too).

Sorry if it is a bit wordy all this and half of it is maybe irrelevant. Yes I suppose for years I was stuck in 3rd wave thinking and then had a child, watched a lot of Magdalen Berns and then woke up to a lot of painful truths. Peaked transed etc. etc.

Again thanks for feedback, very helpful.

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CheeseMmmm · 06/12/2021 23:04

No probs OP.

What about a novel with a storyline about strong woman/ women. Or a history of a woman who stood up for herself, maybe changed things for women.
Being brave and standing up to some kind of bad situation involving sexism/ man/ men? Maybe even about getting away from man who controlled/ put her down etc? Maybe that's not subtle enough!

Of course up to you I really hope she gets away soon. So young. Terrible situation.

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FemaleAndLearning · 07/12/2021 16:20

"Living with the Dominator" available on Amazon, may be good for you to read and if she is open to let her have access if it is safe to do so, outside her relationship. Not sure 4th wave feminism will do her any good as doesn't it centre men?

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AdamRyan · 08/12/2021 07:33

Girl, woman, other is probably a good bet. Thought provoking but fiction and a prize winner so "deniable" rather than being openly feminist.

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AdamRyan · 08/12/2021 07:36

Or some kind of fiction - I let you go by Claire Mckintosh is a thriller about the impact of a controlling relationship and would be totally 100% deniable but might make her think or if you read it too, it could be a conversation starter

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Mcboo5 · 08/12/2021 17:11

@LittleNinaNanar

Hello

I have a Godchild who is turning 21. I think she is probably in a controlling relationship (cut her friends off, living with him in his mother's who appears to also be quite controlling. Stopped all her activities that she loved)

I'm hoping she will somehow get herself out of this situation eventually. She and her parents are just about in communication with her. But one worded texts every few weeks or so is all that they are getting, if that. Can be normal enough at that age. She has been with him since she was a young teen.

In the meantime I would really like to get her a first book that may ease her in to 4th wave feminist thinking. As I am fairly new to thinking this way (to my shame) I don't know where to start. Obviously don't want to freak her out and put her off.....any suggestions?

Thanks for taking the time to read.

I would definitely recommend a book by Instagrammer lalalaletmeexplain that is coming out in Feb I think. It's called block, delete, move on and gives lots of advice on relationships and what's healthy and not so healthy.
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