My partner's lack of interest in feminist issues

[TheClockTicker]

I'm not saying for one minute that I'm a huge fountain of knowledge with feminism. Average perhaps but her lack of interest upsets me.

For example last night I saw a post on here about an xmas jumper that said 'Sleigh the Patriarchy' or similar-I showed her it and said I'd like it as my xmas jumper.

She responded 'What's Patriarchy mean'.

I explained that it was the notion of it being a man's world, what feminism is striving to overturn. Still didn't understand it. So I said something such as 'It's why we earn less, why pregnancy aftercare is often abysmal, why rape victims often don't get justice, why I am afraid to walk alone at night' etc.

She said she understood it then.

It has made me a bit sad. I am quite passionate about women's issues. As a lesbian, I feel feminism has gone somewhat backwards for us recently. She's (very) masculine presenting and possibly feels the effects less because of that (never feels afraid in situations where I would, for example, hasnt ever been assaulted by a man, would never give birth or even consider).

I love her, and appreciate her totally for who she is, but, can I ask if this would this bother you?

What does this sort of thing mean to you,if anything? I guess in a way I should be grateful she's never had my struggles, it certainly wouldn't be great if we were both upset about the same things?

I was almost attacked (I think) in the street a few months ago-nothing very bad, but it shook me up. Basically approached by two men who'd been hiding behind a car. I got away. She didn't understand why I was so upset, said it wouldn't have bothered her she'd have just told him to F off. We did discuss it and she felt so guilty about it and has been very sympathetic toward me since as it has made me nervous of walking about by myself. It's no longer an issue with us, but it did make me realise how different we are and how she's not had the struggles I've had.

Does she think only feminine women get assaulted and harassed? Being "masculine-presenting" won't stop a rapist spotting that she is a woman.

She's just not afraid of it at all. I do sometimes worry about her walking home from places late at night etc but she isn't the least bit phased, it simply wouldn't occur to her to be. She lives in quite a rough area too.

You honestly really couldn't spot that she's female unless you knew her though.

It woupd bother me, I think. I'm married to a man and he gets it.

I got a bit upset a few years ago when my husband wouldn't define himself as a feminist; it's a dirty word to him (as it is to many, even some women) I tried to explain but he wouldn't get it. But I talk about women's issues a lot, chipping away if you will, and just this week we were talking to our son about some issues he's having in school and DH went into a speech about how DS needed to respect women, listed some of the issues women have, what he needs to be mindful of, and I was really proud! He's not like me in that I'm happy to wear my "badge" and point out the toxic masculinity at every opportunity, but it showed me he got it. I didn't get him to see my point of view by ramming it down his throat, but by talking about the issues as they arose, naturally. This way he hasn't put his defences up tainted by his pre-disposed ideas.

Feminism means different things to different people, women especially have had different experiences, if she refuses to engage at all then yes I would struggle with that, but I would find a way it can be discussed in a less loaded way.

I'd be more upset that my partner didn't know what 'patriarchy' meant.

But yes, her lack of understanding would upset me - and baffle me.

Aww that's nice, user. Yes I understand why the word has negative connotations for some people, especially men.

whitehorse yes it does bother me does that.
I know we all have our merits and downfalls but she's a quite simple person really. Her own little world is mostly what she thinks about and that's it. She's very kind and would do absolutely anything for me which is fantastic,so I try to look at that more and get my like mindedness fix from friends( and mumsnetters )

As far as being scared, there are actually quite a few women who aren't especially scared by things like walking at night, or men in general. To some extent this can follow from not having had problems but a lot of it is really down to personality from what I've seen. It's not as ubiquitous as women who do find those things threatening sometimes assume.

But I would say it's pretty common for people to be more passionate or interested in certain things. It's probably a good thing in many cases, two people in a relationship who are both passionate about the same issue can sometimes burn out on it. It becomes too all consuming. I have a lot of quite different interests than my husband, and we don't tend to throw our energies into the same things.I would say we both try and show some interest and support, but there are some things which, while I understand they are important, I just don't want to hear the minutia, or spend all my energy on them.

In some ways maybe this helps keep us a little more well rounded.

I’m not particularly scared of walking around at night, although like most people I use common sense. I figure why should I be petrified when men aren’t despite being much more likely to be assaulted. In some ways I feel the scaremongering actually does the opposite of empowering women.

It would bother me if my partner didn't know what patriarchy is - especially if my partner was a woman! But DH irritates me with not knowing all sorts of things (he is extremely intelligent but we have very different spheres of knowledge), so you just have to decide if your partner's lack of interest / knowledge in something that is very important to you is something you can get over.

It wouldn't bother me that she doesn't seem scared of male violence. I agree that's partly personality. I have never been particularly nervous about walking around at night for instance. In uni I once told an acquaintance that I didn't see the need to use the campus walk-home service after dark, and she told me that it would serve me right if I got attacked and raped

Tbh, though, I'm not even convinced that the majority of women really give much thought to the patriarchy. I'm not even convinced it exists in the manner many feminists seem to think it does - like some shadowy masonic pledge between men. I think gender differences largely grew organically. For example, for all the talk of 'not enough women in xyz' I don't personally know any other women that can drive a truck and I never met a single female plant operative or waste operative when I worked for Biffa. Not a single one. No women I speak to seem remotely interested in actually doing 'mens jobs'.

@EightWheelGirl

Tbh, though, I'm not even convinced that the majority of women really give much thought to the patriarchy. I'm not even convinced it exists in the manner many feminists seem to think it does - like some shadowy masonic pledge between men. I think gender differences largely grew organically. For example, for all the talk of 'not enough women in xyz' I don't personally know any other women that can drive a truck and I never met a single female plant operative or waste operative when I worked for Biffa. Not a single one. No women I speak to seem remotely interested in actually doing 'mens jobs'.

I know a fair few! And I'm not in those services myself. Which is random I guess. Perhaps being in the gay 'scene' is one reason though.

@EightWheelGirl

I’m not particularly scared of walking around at night, although like most people I use common sense. I figure why should I be petrified when men aren’t despite being much more likely to be assaulted. In some ways I feel the scaremongering actually does the opposite of empowering women.

I really wish I wasn't. I've always been wary but recently a lot more scared, just had a few scary encounters and everything that's in the news doesnt help.

@teezletangler

It would bother me if my partner didn't know what patriarchy is - especially if my partner was a woman! But DH irritates me with not knowing all sorts of things (he is extremely intelligent but we have very different spheres of knowledge), so you just have to decide if your partner's lack of interest / knowledge in something that is very important to you is something you can get over.

It wouldn't bother me that she doesn't seem scared of male violence. I agree that's partly personality. I have never been particularly nervous about walking around at night for instance. In uni I once told an acquaintance that I didn't see the need to use the campus walk-home service after dark, and she told me that it would serve me right if I got attacked and raped

It does bother me, and that shes generally not so much bothered about the world other than her immediate, BUT she has a lot of other good points. For example, she's from a certain part of the country whose culture Ive always had a bit of a soft spot for. I mentioned some old folk songs, and the origins of certain traits, and she hadn't a clue about them or even ever heard of them!

But then she's fantastic at DIY and sorting things out generally, whereas I'm academic and I suppose, a bit more 'cultured' , but I can't knock a nail in and really appreciate help organising things as it stresses me out, so ...

I think I would try to reframe not understanding what the patriarchy means to acknowledging your partner's ability to live her life in a way in which she is comparatively unaffected by the patriarchy.

If she lives in her 'own little world', to use your phrase, she has probably never listened to someone mansplaining or being overlooked for a promotion by a man with fewer qualifications and/or less experience.

I understand the bit about regional culture. If you come from a place you take it for granted in a way that someone from outside does not.

To be honest, it sounds as if you complement each other. Let's hope she can take a hint and orders the sleigh the patriarchy jumper.

She sounds sweet, but maybe not a great long term partner for you. I would get really frustrated and bored with someone like this, I need to have a partner I can talk to about everything. But YMMV, opposites attract for some after all.

She is who she is. Most people aren’t feminists or interested in many feminist issues, (not sure if the rate of feminists is higher for lesbians). I’m not, DH isn’t.

That’s fine for us but you don’t have to date us. It’s like anything with a shared/unshared value - a bit like marrying a different religion or cross culturally.

Nettie thank you, that's a very helpful reply, the kind of thing I were looking for starting this thread I guess, some varied opinions :)

Thewestisthebest I am torn between the frustration and also knowing that someone more opinionated and as 'highly strung' as I can be may drive me nuts

@TarasCrazyTiara

She is who she is. Most people aren’t feminists or interested in many feminist issues, (not sure if the rate of feminists is higher for lesbians). I’m not, DH isn’t.

That’s fine for us but you don’t have to date us. It’s like anything with a shared/unshared value - a bit like marrying a different religion or cross culturally.

I tend to find It's one or the other extreme to be honest. A lot of lesbians are less affected,perhaps the more emasculated, 'no nonsense' types who do relate more to men? And a lot are more as they're affected by men as much as a straight woman but get even more annoyed about it due to being lesbians? Of course I am being obtuse here but that's what my experience (meaning of my lesbian peers as well as my own, the latter!) has been.

@TheClockTicker

That’s actually really interesting and makes a lot of sense, it’s not an inner world I have much exposure too tbh. I guess it’s a lot harder to put up with something when your not attracted to it and easier if you kind of “get it”.

Wonder if gay men have a similar thing going not with feminism but with women in general?
It would be fascinating if only same sex attracted people were put in charge of all media for a month or something. Straight people would probably get all kinds of takes about themselves and the other sex they never considered.

I know a fair few! And I'm not in those services myself. Which is random I guess. Perhaps being in the gay 'scene' is one reason though.

Interesting. I wonder if it's sort of like how a fair number of gay men seem to gravitate towards jobs seen as 'female', like working in salons etc.

Okay well I've been raped and sexually abused but I refuse to be scared at night or anywhere actually. I do what I like. I don't think it makes me less of a feminist.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@TheClockTicker

That’s actually really interesting and makes a lot of sense, it’s not an inner world I have much exposure too tbh. I guess it’s a lot harder to put up with something when your not attracted to it and easier if you kind of “get it”.

Wonder if gay men have a similar thing going not with feminism but with women in general?
It would be fascinating if only same sex attracted people were put in charge of all media for a month or something. Straight people would probably get all kinds of takes about themselves and the other sex they never considered.[/quote]
I have wondered that too, about gay men.

And that would be fascinating!

@socialistcat

Okay well I've been raped and sexually abused but I refuse to be scared at night or anywhere actually. I do what I like. I don't think it makes me less of a feminist.

I am sorry for your experiences. That's happened to me too, and I never was as afraid as I have been recently after what happened with the men hiding. Strange how different things affect us. Well done for not letting it affect your life :)

@EightWheelGirl

I know a fair few! And I'm not in those services myself. Which is random I guess. Perhaps being in the gay 'scene' is one reason though.

Interesting. I wonder if it's sort of like how a fair number of gay men seem to gravitate towards jobs seen as 'female', like working in salons etc.

I suspect it is-but I can only go off my experiences (personal and what friends have reiterated to me) really.