Feminism: chat
Advice Please! Uninvited Questions
TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 10/10/2021 12:09
I need some input from other women.
I have 3 under 3. DH and I happily married, he's a great dad but he works a very intense shift job so unfortunately we rarely get time together as a family. This means that most of the time I am out with the DC by myself, or with friends.
Today at the supermarket a man in front of us in the queue pulled a funny face at my baby, and then told me I'm lucky to have such cute DC. I said thanks. No problems here. Then he said, quite authoritatively "where is their father?". I pretended not to hear him and looked away, because I felt it was a weird and inappropriate question. He kept repeating this question until eventually I caved and said "Their father is at work. Do you have some kind of problem with that?" Then it was his turn to be served at the counter so he never responded.
The reason I'm posting about this is because this happens to me quite regularly. A random man will say hello to my DC, and then ask me where their Dad is. Wtf is going on? Do other women get this? Or is it just me? I feel like I must give off some sort of pathetic vibe that makes men think they can ask me questions like that.
Is this normal? And how do I deal with this? What do I respond with?
TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 10/10/2021 12:43
Thanks for the suggestions. I like the simple, matter or fact nature of these replies. And I think that's probably a better tactic than being aggressive.
In response to the PP who said he probably liked the look of me - I'm not sure if it is that? Usually the tone of these questions seems more as if the random man feels they have a right to know where the is, as if I should be offering them an explanation, rather than a cheeky sort of "hey, is dad still on the scene, or are you free for a drink?" Sort of thing. I hope that makes sense.
They are usually noticeably older than me. Not that this would preclude them from trying it on, but I think it makes it a bit less likely.
CBUK2K · 10/10/2021 12:52
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TReXX · 10/10/2021 15:14
@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat
In response to the PP who said he probably liked the look of me - I'm not sure if it is that? Usually the tone of these questions seems more as if the random man feels they have a right to know where the is, as if I should be offering them an explanation, rather than a cheeky sort of "hey, is dad still on the scene, or are you free for a drink?" Sort of thing. I hope that makes sense.
They are usually noticeably older than me. Not that this would preclude them from trying it on, but I think it makes it a bit less likely.
Lately I've taken to responding to cheeky unsolicited, unwanted attention with a simple hard stare. Not a nasty look, just a kind of "...and?" expression.
They're after interaction, whatever the motive.
(If they're kindly and not intrusive or weird I may smile or make a cheerful comment in reply. Otherwise they get the hard stare.)
TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 11/10/2021 02:41
Hard when you're tired and stressed but I would try not to read too much in to it, maybe even take it as a compliment.
I find this quite patronising. I didn't say I was tired and stressed, and having strange men ask me where my children's father is does not feel like a compliment. It comes across as quite domineering and sometimes even threatening.
I think we have a winner
BoxOfDreams · 19/10/2021 01:25
Never answer unsolicited questions unless you have to.
I've trained myself to always answer unwanted/intrusive questions with a question:
Q Where's their father?
A Why?
Q Well you seem to have your hands full.
A Do I?
Q I'm only asking. What's wrong with that?
A. Do you question every woman with children or am I a special case?
NiceGerbil · 19/10/2021 01:31
I've never had that!
What's the tone of voice OP? Conversational or mildly accusatory/challenging?
Any particular age group for the men?
I'd say something really ridiculous while looking them straight in the eye unsmilingly. That's what I do with an intrusive question I got a lot.
Eg.
He's just bringing the range rover round to fetch us. (Maybe you have one no idea!).
He's an off duty police officer and he stopped to intervene in a row on the high street about a pair of stolen streetlights so we came on ahead.
It's his turn to spread the word of our lord Jesus Christ in (somewhere nearby). Have you been saved?
He's working today, funny hours for film stunt people.
He's doing his community service. You know him? You can find him at (manky nearby location) if you are quick.
He's in the pub. Expecting him back
He's back at the fish counter. Got a bit of a thing about cod, you know how it is (wink).
Etc etc etc...
Deliver deadpan with firm eye contact which says. Come on... I dare you.
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