Don't tell people what to eat

[JessieLongleg]

I'm visiting my friend in hospital days after she has given birth feeling overwhelmed. After a few hours her bf of 23years turns up and I offer him a chocolate. He reply was "do you really think you should eat that considering". I am overweight but my friend was very skinny pre pregnancy and he has always been anti fat fat to myself even at a natural size 16 hourglass. Personally I don't now how she can't perceive that as a message to herself. I find it so unbelievable that he feels the need to police others food but under the circumstances it was not just me his was putting down or meant for. Ok she has always let him say a few mean things about my weight(even at my lowest) but this shows if women let men uphold unrealistic beauty traits(ie young, skinny forever etc) over women in general you are not spared even when you put weight on for genuine reason. Does anyone on here let their partner tell their friends what they can and not eat even if they bring their own food?

What did you say in reply to him?

Since you've posted this on the feminism board, I feel like I should point out that you seem to be blaming your friend for the way her boyfriend speaks to you, you've got some well ingrained misogyny going on there.

Pregnant or not. And IME it's almost always women. Being obsessed with what other women eat or don't eat, what times, asking strange questions etc.

Really gets on my tits.

I took chocolate for friend just had baby.

Her OH came in and ate it. Even though she said that was for me.

I was what a shitbag. And also thought, I can't believe she just let him do that, commented once not annoyed etc. And that was that.

I said nothing I realise he said it and she was in a vunerable position. Well when she first became pregnant she had no problems joking about how funny it was she had to wear a man's large hoodie. A man's large is about a size 16 and I pointed out mocking her size when it was my standard size and only a size 16 in the shop wasn't very nice and she apologized when I pointed that out. When it comes to pointing on weigh people who start lower have clothes advantage as in 16-18 floaty dresses are easy to find. And I never said I blame her for what he said but by never on the one of the many occasions he has said about how I look has she ever pointed out it wrong even in private and you making out I'm holding up the misogyny views. Yet you seem very quick to presume what I think but nothing to say on what he said.

Totally and and social support or just ignoring comments people get the wider message. And don't like the same when people do it to pregnant women about having a odd drink say at a friend's wedding as I've seen done.

With food you hear about it been done to kids as well these comments effects people's self esteem for sure.

I've been with my husband a while and pull him up on things I don't like what he says and wouldn't ever step out with a man that felt it was ok to comment about my friend body's unprovoked. She actually said half way through the pregnancy she has told him he needs to be careful about what he says about other people around the kids. Not telling him what he says is wrong so she is holding up his views through their relationship

Wow, stuff like that I find just horrible. There is no need to let you partner be so rude and come in the way of friendship like that. People are just being goodwill to her.

I would have said ‘no it’s fine - last blood sugar check was ok’. Cheeky sod, then I’d comment on every piece of food or drop of liquid that passed his lips.

Haha I didn't want to upset my friend, she just had twin Cesarean and was exhausted.....but the first time he said something was about 15 years ago and everyone was leaving mine. He felt the need to turn back and come up to me and give me some advice on having the wrong body type. I really was like wtf. I think it's strange and aggressive to have such a interest in someone else's body. And everytime I've stuck up for myself rather than her saying something she just hopes it blows over. I would be beyond embarrassed if it was my partner.

@HoesbeforebroesAnd. I said nothing I realise he said it when she was in a vunerable position. But when she first became pregnant she had no problems joking about how funny it was she had to wear a man's large hoodie. A man's large is about a size 16 and I pointed out mocking her size when it was my standard size and only a size 16 in the shop wasn't very nice and she apologized but never brought herself anything nice to wear pregnant. When it comes to pointing on weigh people who start lower have clothes choice advantage as in 16-18 floaty dresses are easy to find. Start going above size 20 it a lot of tunic style clothes that hide bumps aparently . And I never said I blame her for what he said but by never on the one of the many occasions he has said badly about how I look has she ever pointed out its wrong even in private and your making out I'm holding up the misogyny views. Fat is a feminist issue. Maybe the internal misogyny i have is not creating boundires sooner. Yet you seem very quick to presume what I think but nothing to say on what he said. Ive had them around for a meal and one time he stayed back just up inform me he didnt approve of how i look. Found this a bit pervy as why would it bother him unless women are there only for his gaze. I dont have a crush on him i go for sensitive, intelligent, high achievers and i know my type is much more southern europe look like my husband.

@Hoesbeforebroes I've been with my husband a while and pull him up on things I don't like what he says and wouldn't ever step out with a man that felt it was ok to comment about my friend body's unprovoked. My friend said half way through the pregnancy she has told him he needs to be careful about what he says about other people around the kids. Not telling him what he says is wrong so she is holding up his views through their relationship

@NiceGerbil Totally and and social support or just ignoring comments people get the wider message. And don't like the same when people do it to pregnant women about having a odd drink say at a friend's wedding as I've seen done.

With food you hear about it been done to kids as well these comments effects people's self esteem for sure.

@NiceGerbil Wow, stuff like that I find just horrible. There is no need to let you partner be so rude and come in the way of friendship like that. People are just being goodwill to her.

@KittenKong

Haha I didn't want to upset my friend, she just had twin Cesarean and was exhausted.....but the first time he said something was about 15 years ago and everyone was leaving mine. He felt the need to turn back and come up to me and give me some advice on having the wrong body type. I really was like wtf. I think it's strange and aggressive to have such a interest in someone else's body. And everytime I've stuck up for myself rather than her saying something she just hopes it blows over. I would be beyond embarrassed if it was my partner.

[quote JessieLongleg]@NiceGerbil Wow, stuff like that I find just horrible. There is no need to let you partner be so rude and come in the way of friendship like that. People are just being goodwill to her.[/quote]
What do you mean “let”? Her partner is a wanker by the sounds of it although I’m not clear whether he said to you not to eat the chocolate or to her. But if he’s the one who said the rude comment it doesn’t make sense to just blame her for it. It does sound like maybe they both have made comments (the one about the large hoodie).
But yeah if my friend’s boyfriend felt the need to insult me on a regular basis, I’d make it clear to her that I wasn’t going to be hanging out with him again, ever. If she wanted to see me, it would need to be without him there.

This has absolutely nowt to do with misogyny. If my dear friend who I have known and respected for decades allowed her husband who I know purely in a social and superficial manner to openly insult me I'd be like wtf to both of them.

This one works perfectly the other way round too. How many men on here are blamed because they 'let' their mother or sister insult their partner?

If my DP insulted my best friend in front of my face I'd give him an on the spot bollocking, and in fact I have done this. What kind of friend wouldn't?

@GCAndProud

The reason why I said let is.....when i brought my wedding dress my gran was shopping so her being closer i went to this friends. She was excited i tried on the dress and her mum turned pointed at my tummy and said to myself you will have to do something about that. She told her mum that was rude. So why cant she say that to her partner?

My husband goes out cycling with him and others and they have had a go at him for his behaviour. Last time he ranted off at a elderly couple that had mistakenly taken the cycle lane as a short cut. Not just my husband apologised to them for him. Because such a strong reaction wasn't needed.

Ive tried ignoring her monthly message but she will not let it go. Is this a cry for help or what? Does she feel a bit guilty?

...Now this week...

He has told my husband that she isn't allowed out without the kids as he will not look after them. She is accepting his resistance to look after the kids. The reason why my husband is stepping in as I pointed out post birth she has just been stressed. All she does is shout at her partner through a phone and she admitted thats what her relationship is now. After that she got diagnoised with depression . And when I put together a few signs that are assoiated with a partner being to controlling and low self esteem. My husband felt it would be nice up keep up the friendship and asked him whats going on.

I've gone there and done the kids thing they were good as gold with me and let me feed them. But over the past few months ive found out muiltiple genetic health problems just cant keep up with park life now either way need to isolate to be ready for surgery. My friend has joint problems so i suggested in about 4 months(no pressure on us both) we find a local water aerobics class. She was excited saying stuff like maybe there is a sauna there. Thought If the kids are ill no problem its a class i can go by myself. Its a flexble commitment that has gains for us both. Then i got the message a bit later saying she cant because child services are closed and cant afford childcare! WTF

I knew she would be into it as when she had cbt it was apparent she didnt have strong assertion skills and didnt make time for herself. So she started going to the beauty salon so thats why.

Guess what, recently I saw him in passing and he just did that MP grin at myself why not even asking how I was on a crutch. Which is as rude as a stranger randomly asking me why im on crutch. And didnt mention to her had seen me. Which i find strange and thats when she admitted they dont talk. Remember kids dont just learn from what is said its also how we silently approach life. Manners are beyond what we say and children learn though silent behavours.

But you have up be dumb to not link it to his anti fat attitudes. Sure many women have faced up to the pre pregancy anti fat views of partners why having a child without them being repeated directly to them.

I had her admit she dont push it with him as she dont trust him with the kids then break down in tears. Coercive control is when we are driven or make choices out of fear. The only thing she could get him to do was bath the kids and she was upset about that as is a fun job. Showing her choices with him are not based on what makes her feel good or wants but what she can get away with. But cant get that persuading a partner to look after kids is childish and wrong. And why do women shoulder the burden of childcare? Well partly(not fully) because other women make it the norm use it to reaffirm their role.

My husband admitted he wouldn't trust him to look after the dog!

The reason why people get away with this kinda behavior is because they are given a social platform by close friends and family(now wider social media). And she is included in that.

Im not trying to save my friend, dont even think spliting up with him with help as she has always been someone who cant deal being without people around her 24hs. She will just pick up another dick head like him as this is not just coming from his insecurities. And when i suggested this wasn't fare on her she replyed doesnt want any change. This fear of change has meant she often gets people taking advantage and she has thanked me for pointing it out in the past. And why I feel she is letting his behaviour.

@MorrisZapp

Totally I've spoken other couples this week that agree you pick partners with similar views and infrequently disagree with behaviour in general but agree it good to have the confidence to speak up in a relationship about it.

Okay, it’s a bit hard to follow your posts to be honest - lots of random information and difficult to understand the argument. I’m not 100% sure what has happened but it does sound like she’s possibly in an abusive relationship and that could be why she doesn’t challenge her partner. Who knows? But did you realise that this is the feminism board? Your post is not a feminist topic - it’s about a specific dispute with your friend and her partner. I’d ask to have it moved to chat if I were you.

@GCAndProud
I'm not here to argue with anyone, haven't accused anybody of being anything like some have to myself, just asking for opinions. I'm sorry don't make myself clear at times I understand writing is not my strength.

Don't see how being put down for being fat or naturally big boned is not a feminst issue. Feminism is not just about about fighting misogyny but structures of opresson. When society pushes ideals as being dainty, girly etc we automatically give those women the underhand advantage. They hold up that opression by default, we don't get treated equally in the NHS etc. Studies have show even short over tall women are viewed completely differently with tall women being less desirable.
Overall men like women that don't belittle then in anyway. Even when I talk about it she acts so innocent about it as she views people getting treated equally through the NHS as never had to question health inequalities on a personal level. There is massive biases written into the teaching of medicine that go beyond gender. Recently I had a nurse make a really bitchy comment about my weigh and the other nurse clocked it in a similar way and said nothing. So did my friend and that nurse do nothing because of the circumstances or own social skill or because don't have to as ultimately can slim down to a accepted level I can't or is this safeguarding their own advantage/protecting herself within the relationship? I can walk away from my friend but not this kinda behaviour to myself. So this post was actually about discussing these issues beyond my disagreement with my friend. I've read before about men that have put women down like this post birth from my perspective it's way more than a relationship/friendship problem.