Sad about being powerless to change the narrative

[theadultsaretalking]

In a nutshell, my lovely innocent 9 year old boy has just told me that his friend told him something disgusting - apparently a friend of a friend has described a hardcore porn film to him. Rough, possibly incest theme - neither of the boys in question understood the context to be honest, but I could tell he was unsettled and quite unsure what to do with the information (I am grateful these were words not actual images...)

I am just so endlessly sad, that no matter what we do and how we raise them - they will encounter it and it will happen probably sooner rather than later. And I just feel it is getting worse, like as a society we are loosing this battle.

I don't want to have a conversation about porn with a nine-year-old.

OP, if you don’t have that conversation about porn, your son will have no other perspective than porn itself.
He will think it is normal to strangle and anally rape women, that consent is unnecessary and that sex is a form of violence and abuse committed on women’s bodies, that bears no relation to normal affectionate lovemaking, and that he is under no obligation to ensure his partner’s pleasure, only his own.
Do you really want him to enter puberty with that as his default mindset towards future girlfriends?

For a 9yo and that sort of age, when my girls were young I told them this and maybe you could go with similar.

It might happen that another kid at school shows you something like a pic or a bit of a video that has naked grown ups in it. If another kid or anyone shows you anything like that then please tell me because it's not for children at all even older children.

If you see anything like that then it could be that they're doing scary or strange things. It's something some grown ups are interested in but not all of them. And it's not real, it's made for the people watching, it's like a film, nothing to do with real life.

If they have an idea what sex is then.

It's totally not how mummies and daddies (or whatever) behave in real life. It's a made up fantasy.

(I have two girls and said made up usually for men to watch but you can skip that!).

And he can and should talk to you about it if he is confused or wants to.

And well done for taking you, he did the right thing.

And

Find out who the boy is. At that age. Tell school? I don't really know about that side.

But if your son knows if he saw a clip inadvertently or saw a lot or the whole thing. Sounds like maybe a lot.

Incest? Bloody hell. Adults not a child I hope?

If he saw loads. If it had a child. Then school and I guess police? Again. Not sure but need to get it looked into.

If adults what was relationship? And sounds rapey?

I'd say it's highly illegal to do anything like that with your family and it means prison.
That in real life its not a thing that happens hardly ever.
It's made up not real at all. You don't know why they'd make that up as it's horrible but nevertheless it's all pretend.

How rough?

I mean don't press him or try to find out from him it will make things worse. but do you have as idea already.

Well done for telling you that should say!

I don't think he actually saw anything (thank god!) - I think it was 'a friend was told about it by a friend, who's friend saw it' type of a discussion, so don't think police or school needs to be involved.

And yes, conversation was had about 'this is not real life and not normal behaviour', I am just sad that I had to have that conversation now and that my lovely boy will keep being exposed to those things regardless of what I do.

I can do preemptive-striking discussions and damage-limitation discussions with him and I am pretty sure he will grow up into a decent human being, but I am annoyed at the state of the world!

Yes I am angry to.

Especially that apparently it's free speech to have hardcore misogynist racist porn available at the click of a button.
And it's up to parents to somehow ensure their kids are protected and that's that. Ignoring all the shit parents, that all the protection software can be got round etc. That it's an unworkable 'solution'. But really what it means is don't care if kids see it parents (mums) fault entirely.

I feel your pain OP. Childhood innocence is being snatched away at a younger and younger age, and not just by their peers but by the entertainment industry and also some of the unsuitable teaching that passes for PSHE these days. It's everywhere and difficult/impossible to shield your children from and to exert parental choice and judgement over your child's exposure to adult topics.

I was furious when the school my DDs were at decided Grease had some great songs for music class. So I had my five year old daughter in the back of the car chanting "tell me more tell me more did you get very far, tell me more....did she put up a fight". I really should have kicked up a fuss at the school. Anyway DH and I agreed it was an unsuitable film for young girls but when they went to stay with Granny she bought the dvd for them thinking they'd enjoy it.

Your son is young enough that you are still able to exert control at home. Keep him off the internet. Don't let him have a mobile phone or at least not one he can access the internet with. Think about what TV and computer games he is able to access.
And have appropriate conversations as necessary.

@ FannyCann
agree 100% about Grease! Not suitable for children at all and what a terrible message to send young girls!