Being called a Karen by dc how would you handle it?

[CervixSampler]

It gives me the rage and dds know not to use the term but one of them called me Karen today and she's now grounded. Misogyny and sexism is so ingrained it's a regular battle to challenge them. They ribbon and sticker with me but believe boys look like girls if they have long hair, boys can't wear make up or nail polish etc yet girls with short hair don't look like boys in their view. It's really wound me up today. Ds saw a woman with a big industrial type strimmer today and commented that he didn't think women could do that job. I told him women can do any job so he said he's only seen men doing big strimming jobs. He quite happily accepted that just because he's never seen a woman do it it doesn't mean women can't. He's only 6 so we don't get too deeply into things. He has long hair and has joined his sisters and me in painting our toes for the summer. I think why not, his sister thinks it's weird and only for girls 🙄 They look fab with his walking sandals as his nails are the same blue as his sandals. But I digress... how do you handle the Karen shit from teenagers?

That empathy generator is really powerful.

I don't think there is any clarity that this term originated as something meant to highlight racism. As far as I can see it originated in the retail sector, to refer to a very recognisable type of customer a lot of retail workers have had to deal with.

But that's not the reason it's wrong to call your mother that.

They’re calling you it because they know it gets your back up - stop giving them that power.
If someone called me a Karen I’d just laugh it off, ignore it or say ‘that’s funny I thought my name was XX”
Teens try and push the boundaries do id pick your battles and don’t let them stress you out more than you need to be.

I told mine it was sexist and ageist term that was used against women as they get older in order to shut them up and mock them. That insulting women was nothing new, not clever, not funny, and i didnt want to hear their disrespect, and if they did it once more i would lop my hair off and call the manager on them.

If someone called me a Karen I’d just laugh it off, ignore it
This is her own daughter. Why should she just ignore being insulted.

And if 'someone' who didn't live in my house and whose laundry I didn't do and whose meals I paid for and then cooked called me a derogatory name I don't see why I should just laugh and ignore it either. Why should people put up with being called names?

My ten year old DS has called me Karen in a rude way, it's my name but he knows it's a current insult too. I must admit with him I keep it simple, I just agree and say yip, I love my name, total Karen etc.

In a few years I'll address the misogyny etc but I'm avoiding the heavy lectures at this age because my mum used to bludgeon me with hers and all it ever did was make me switch off.

Inevitably though, if he used any other kind of insult it would be hard to take it as a joke. Sexism doesn't count for much does it.

This is her own daughter. Why should she just ignore being insulted.

OP has said herself it gives her rage. She is now on MN asking for advice as she’s so frustrated with it - her daughter has won.

She will keep doing it knowing how much if affects OP. If it didn’t affect OP she wouldn’t bother saying it.
So you can choose to get wound up, take away electronics, ground them, scream, shout, whatever you want but all that causes you more stress (on top of something that already gives you rage) and it enforced the message that that one word is effective when they use it. So of course they’re going to keep using it.
After everyone is calm you can have a conversation about why it’s offensive but getting worked up is going to make the situation worse.

I’m glad to hear others hate the ‘Karen’ thing, I think it’s designed to belittle and put women down, not at all funny!

It is just another stereotype to humiliate and silence women.

And if 'someone' who didn't live in my house and whose laundry I didn't do and whose meals I paid for and then cooked called me a derogatory name I don't see why I should just laugh and ignore it either. Why should people put up with being called names?

Because rising to the bait will only encourage her DD. God, was no one on MN ever a teenager? They want to get a rise out of you! Responding with an earnest exposition about misogyny and ageism shows they have succeeded - and grounding them is 10 times worse- you have handed them a victory. Laughing it off is much more annoying to them.

I'd ask to speak to her manager, then give her a wink and a tinkly laugh.

Because rising to the bait will only encourage her DD. God, was no one on MN ever a teenager? They want to get a rise out of you! Responding with an earnest exposition about misogyny and ageism shows they have succeeded - and grounding them is 10 times worse- you have handed them a victory. Laughing it off is much more annoying to them.
I've got two teenagers. Neither of them would call me a name,

‘Because rising to the bait will only encourage her DD. God, was no one on MN ever a teenager? They want to get a rise out of you! Responding with an earnest exposition about misogyny and ageism shows they have succeeded - and grounding them is 10 times worse- you have handed them a victory. Laughing it off is much more annoying to them.‘

A short lecture about misogyny worked on mine. They want to not be awful people more than they want to wind up their mum. I suppose if yours are the other way round it might be different

It’s all very well saying to laugh it off, but that means accepting rudeness and disrespect.
I wouldn’t have tolerated that when my DDs were teenagers. The rule in our house was always that “respect goes both ways and is non negotiable”.

@Babdoc

It’s all very well saying to laugh it off, but that means accepting rudeness and disrespect. I wouldn’t have tolerated that when my DDs were teenagers. The rule in our house was always that “respect goes both ways and is non negotiable”.

As I said in my earlier post, I wouldn't accept it, but I wouldn't rise to the bait (or at least I'd try not to..) either. I'd go for a light-hearted tit for tat option. And then try to have a discussion about why it's ageist and sexist at a different point, not in the heat of the moment.

You can punish or lecture a teenager (and it's appropriate to do both on occasion), but you're highly unlikely to change their minds by doing either.

Rudeness or disrespect in my house loses screen time (just a few minutes) that can be earned back with extra chores if they’re so inclined.

I would call out the Karen insult if it wasn’t directed at me, and probably lapse into a lecture. But I wouldn’t bother being educational when it’s aimed at me. Zap, 5 minutes.

Or occasionally I’d just respond by being a bit obtuse and take it as a compliment. It’s such a pretty name! Reminds me of a lovely girl I was in school with …

The thing is that you can't treat everything as a nail with only a hammer as the right option, with teens or kids.

Calling someone a Karen is disrespectful and annoying, but it's also not the same as calling someone a bitch or shithead or something like that. It's a low-level dig. Very much along the same lines as "boomer" which someone mentioned above.

The direct approach to shutting them down is not always the most effective. Nor are long-winded lectures.

As someone else suggested, laugh it off and say you'll call their manager as they haven't been tidying their room.
Tedious lectures aren't worthwhile.

@toocold54 - surely she is on MN partly to vent, and partly to get advice on how to deal with the situation, so that her dd doesn’t call her rude names any more.

If one of my children did this, I would certainly NOT be buying them lots of non-essential clothes - “Sorry, love - Karen won’t be buying you anything!”

I didnt punish my children

Just told them that that was the last time they would say it 😀

I’m not sure what they think I’d do to them if they said it again

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

That empathy generator is really powerful.

Yes, it does portray what those unfortunate enough to actually named Karen go through.

I had so much flack that I changed my name by Deed Poll. It was worth the expense and time. I felt incredible relief when everything was finalised and legally I was no longer called Karen. I'd had enough of the hatred.

Ooh to really piss her off...reply with no I'm a my name

Reply with my name is but I'll also accept, mum, mummy, mother, Mrs xyz

It should really annoy her

That podcast is really distressing.

A few different issues to maybe deal with separately?

First your own upset and anger. Justifiable and I think sharing here is a great way to let off steam.

Next your relationship w your DD. Specifically, she is angry and lashing out. Yes that's partly teen standard but we can express anger without trying to wound. So maybe worth looking at why she is so angry and ways to help her with it. Mostly when my kids are angry it's covering up defensive hurt.

When you feel able to try talking it through with her?

Lastly the sexist slur. I agree that this is best left for discussing once other issues have been resolved and heat taken out of them. After that, a brief discussion of why it's not acceptable to use a sexist insult will be far better received and more likely to be listened to, I think.

@Branleuse

I told mine it was sexist and ageist term that was used against women as they get older in order to shut them up and mock them. That insulting women was nothing new, not clever, not funny, and i didnt want to hear their disrespect, and if they did it once more i would lop my hair off and call the manager on them.

I think this is the response I would use.