Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features

Feminism: chat

Football and domestic violence.

9 replies

PrincessNymeria · 12/07/2021 00:43

I saw this on facebook, how depressing (I don't think the figures would have changed much since it was first posted).

In Northern Ireland, marching season in general is a bad time, for victims of DV, too.

Is it the fact that people of celebrate big events, by binge drinking and increased drug use?

Football and domestic violence.
OP posts:

PrincessNymeria · 12/07/2021 00:43


OP posts:

nosafeguardingadults · 12/07/2021 00:57

Would be less domestic violence if councils helped and gave safe housing when victims make homeless applications and if was support to deal with the councils. Football just one day. They don't get violent just when football but maybe nobody cares as much about us when it's not some big event in the news.


nosafeguardingadults · 12/07/2021 01:11

Sorry to post but if people care, they need to know what it's like. On Friday I spoke to the council I'd applied to for help. They have evidence from refuge and social services and I'd gone through a violating interview with them, gave details of serious violence and abuse. They ignore messages and play games with you. They lie and tell you one thing than say another. They tell you they don't have enough evidence of abuse even when you have physical evidence. They ask for more things than more, keep putting you off, and as time goes by, you lose the chance to safely leave and lose the confidence. Asking for help than being forced to keep on living in fear, everyday on edge, worse almost when nothing happens cos you still waiting for it to happen and maybe it will never happen again but you can't know so you have to live constantly on edge and that destroys you more than violence. Will wake up tomorrow not knowing who to trust and thinking being properly safe is unrealistic dream. Sorry to post. There are lots of really kind people and places who do try to help and some councils go out of their way to help so not all are bad but can't begin to explain how important support network is after isolation and abuse.


PrincessNymeria · 12/07/2021 01:22

"They don't get violent just when footballis on"

No but incidents of DV increase by around 40% when England loose. And the stats for football teams in general are probably similar.

And England lost tonight.

I'm thinking about the many women out there, who are having a particularly bad night of it tonight.

I'm a former victim of DV myself, but my ex wasn't a football fan. He's an orangeman, and was a lot worse during marching season.

OP posts:

SheriffCatman · 12/07/2021 02:47

But the stats also go up if they win. It's not a football problem. It's men drinking all day. It'd be the same men who'd abuse their partner if they forgot to get fresh milk.

Football isn't the problem. It's the society that vilifies men who show emotion.

Honestly it pisses me off. These are the men who'd find any reason to abuse their partner. It's not football.


PrincessNymeria · 12/07/2021 04:43

"Football isn't the problem. It's the society that vilifies men who show emotion"

All those suppressed emotions turning to suppressed rage, coming out when they're pissed? My ex is an alcoholic, and the all day drinking that happens with special events, obviously made him more aggressive and violent than usual, but even the times he managed to drink no more than on a normal weekend, he was still a lot worse. He would get a lot more arrogant, dismissive, have more of an "I can do whatever the hell I want" attitude. He'd be less apologetic than usual. As time went on, even his behaviour the few days before and after would change. I left him twice around July time (about 2 years apart), the second time I also took him to court for abh (verdict, not proven guilty). I can see why his particular circumstances (getting a temporary ego boost, out of strutting about feeling superior), escalated things, but would that be a factor in football, even when the team hasn't lot yet, or even wins? Feeling like a win for their team, is a personal win? Feeling proud?

I think hanging around with a lot of men he wouldn't see as much of otherwise, with equally misogynistic views than himself, also played a big part. His friends had this running joke about who was "under the thumb", or "whipped", for listening to and respecting their other halves. Someones wife wants them to stop drinking, and come home to help her with the new baby, because she's exhausted from being up all night, and cleaning all day? Soneone would usually say something along the lines of "Mate, what are you like? Tell her to wind her fuckin' neck in! Just turn your phone off for fucks sake, if that was my missus, I'd be putting her in her place, don't you be going yet". This said without a care as to who might hear it. A few blokes coming over to press their thumbs against the guys forehead, and tease him about how whipped he is, some smart arse plays a whip cracking on their phone. Such disdain for women (and their own children too, sometimes). So selfish. Of course not all men are like that, but his crowd was.

It's only now I'm in a good place, and haven't set eyes on him or had any communication from him, in a long time, that I feel about to reflect on wtf makes these men into such monsters, the booze is a factor, but the booze just brings out the true feelings? His father likes a drink, and has very old fashioned views/set in his way, but his df has never lifted a hand to his wife, ever, I think he's actually a bit afraid of how sharp her tongue is.

The best thing I ever did was leave him, literally life changing, but I wish I'd done it much sooner. It crept up on me though, the gaslighting, guilt-tripping, lies, alienation, lowering my self esteem. He slapped me a year after ds was born, swore he'd never do it again. Nearly another year later, he took to pushing me, shoving me, grabbing me by the wrists on occasion. He punched me and I left him. I was stupid enough to take him back, and had two years of misery, before I was finally able to stop taking his suicide threats, threats to report me to social services for all sorts of bullshit, and to take me to court for unsupervised access, seriously. The house was rented in my name, thank God, but the harassment he put me through was ridiculous. Turning up and shouting all over the street at 2am, in my front garden, threatening to break windows, wrecking my garden etc. The police were here maybe 20 times, when he went too far, before I could afford the £300 (minus the grant I was able to get), for an emergencey non molestation order, that I didn't get in the end, in case the judge didn't grant it, I accepted undertakings. I still wake up crying sometimes, because I've dreamt he'll break in, and kill me. I can still feel his hand around my throat, if it comes to mind (like now). For a long time, I kept reliving the time he was above me on the staircase, looked me straight in the eye, smirked then kicked me in the face.

OP posts:

PrincessNymeria · 12/07/2021 04:51

*able to reflect, not about. Excuse typos, I can't sleep. This day a few years ago, was the last time he hurt me, and when I knew I was done.

OP posts:

FemaleAndLearning · 12/07/2021 07:19

There are lots of excuses for violent men who abuse their partners. Drink, drugs, stress, bereavement. But they are just that excuses. Men do this because they can because if power and control. I spent the last year with my abusive ex convinced if I just stopped him drinking we would be ok, we weren't.

There are plenty of alcoholics who don't abuse their partners.
There are plenty of men stressed who don't abuse their partners etc.

They do it to intimidate. To make the victim worry all day and night, to have to walk on eggshells. It is just power and control.

Rugby, football, birthdays, special occasions were all events that left me confused as to why we had fell out and he had been abusive.

Basically he did it because he could.

He did it because he wanted to, not because he lost control when drinking. He was always in control.


Eyesofdisarray · 12/07/2021 08:54

No excuses.
💐 @PrincessNymeria @nosafeguardingadults @FemaleAndLearning

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?