Raising a Boy

[HoponPopPat]

At 3.5 years old, my son is going through a very unpleasant phase: hitting and kicking girls, throwing, shouting, answering back. It has become quite horrible to be around him. I know that boys are said to be naturally more aggressive than girls, but I'm reluctant to attribute his behaviour to his sex, as I prefer not to impose gender stereotypes on small children. I think his aggressiveness probably has less to do with him being male and more to do with him being a toddler, testing the boundaries, etc.

However I must admit that there is a (very small) part of me that is aware that this boy will grow up to be a man, and worries (not much, just a little, very occasionally) about what sort of man he will be when I see him being aggressive and bullying towards girls. If I fail to address these issues, as and when they arise, while he is still a child, what repercussions might it have on him as a man? I guess what I'm saying is that I'm very keen for him not to grow up to be a threat to anybody, especially women. Does anybody else think about stuff like this?

Please don't bombard me with abusive messages about how you feel sorry for my son having an evil mother who thinks such things about him. It should go without saying that I don't think of my son as anything other than a sweet, innocent, beautiful child. My only concern is my own ability as a parent to preserve that essential goodness in him and to nip the aggressive, bullying behaviour I have witnessed recently in the bud as soon as possible. (But I expect there will be the usual posters ready to tell me that I'm a terrible mother without any knowledge or understanding of me or my circumstances. Please remember that I am a human being with feelings before you attack me).

I'm pretty sure it can't be just girls he is hitting.
Is he hitting you and his dad and basically everyone? Otherwise there'd be some sort of safeguarding concern (like has he learned to selectively hit females somehow?)

It's basically normal although quite bad behaviour.
He's at a very formative part of his life so will be in need of very strict guidance wrt this behaviour.

Reward him for sharing, playing fairly, being kind and quiet when it's needed etc. Remove him from situations where he's started hitting or being aggressive.

The naughty step method works quite well.
You can improvise the naughty step so you can make one at someone else's house or in the park depending on circumstances. The idea is to basically shame them for a while so they understand what they did is bad. Not eg, keep them on a step on their own for over an hour, because that's obviously ott.

ESP boys, as they get a testosterone surge around then.
Rubbish.
If you think that you are ill informed.

Oh, please don't shame your child. It's not kind, and it's counter productive in the end. Be straight with them (I know a three year old is difficult to be straight with) and they will learn to trust you and behave well because they want to. I'm quite strict, but I never try to manipulate, or make my children feel bad. You can point out the consequences of their behaviour without shaming them.

It's a naughty step. Not prison.

Yep, I think I have quite a visceral response to the idea of shaming a child, sorry!

I know lots of people do the naughty step. I prefer not to punish or make the kids feel bad about themselves. Which doesn't mean I don't fail, or lose my temper sometimes, just that I try to be upfront with them. IF they've made me angry or whatever I would rather say that and explain why and what than tell them how they ought to feel.

This is the idea I am aiming for: www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/how-to-get-good-behavior-without-timeouts

ArabellaScott I am completely with you. I have never punished my children.. NVC Giraffe !
Just teaching respect..

What's wrong with a simple ' we do not hit people' in a stern voice and then just removing him from the source of conflict? You'll need to keep repeating this of course but like all things, this is just a phase

I really wouldn't tie yourself up in knots about this. He's very little

And yep my youngest is a boy and now 14. He was an absolute devil at that age but it's been very important to me to raise a son who will be a kind and respectful man and although he's a very typical teen, he is indeed caring and kind.

Just be consistent, firm and kind and it'll pass

Hitting girls as in his younger sister or random girls you don't know at the park ? Sounds like frustration. If it's a situation of friends kids then maybe they just aren't compatible at the moment and he's getting annoyed. Without getting flamed myself boys and girls generally have different interests. This doesn't mean they never overlap, everyone is different. But my DS likes some different thing to my friends DS, but very different things to her DD.

Personally I wouldn't call a a 3.5 year old a toddler. He's preschooler age surely 3-4/5.

I agree with Arabella. Young children need to be taught how to manage their feelings.

I would take the child away from the situation, calm them down if they are upset, talk about their feelings (I saw you hitting the girl, were you frustrated about not getting the toy), talk about how it's okay to have those feelings but not okay to hit and talk about what they could do next time. Keep doing this each time. You may have to start by giving them the words and solutions but eventually they should tell you how they are feeling themselves and be able to talk about solutions themselves. A key thing is to show that all emotions are okay but not all actions are by modelling aloud your own feelings and your own actions. Eg. Mummy feels very cross because so I really need to take deep breaths to calm me down, can you help me by doing it with me?

Covid lockdown and isolation has meant that have impacted hugely on young children's personal, emotional and social development. It's a bit of a crisis.

One thing I haven't seen anyone suggest, maybe because it's simply Not Done, is teach not-hitting by pointing out that if we followed those rules he wouldn't do so well vis a vis mum or dad. What I'm trying to say is to make the empathy teaching vivid by having him think about how it would apply to him. "How would you like it if Mum resolved her issues with you that way?" "That's why you don't do it with other children."

Obviously, I don't have kids, so if this is a total no-no, do set me straight.

I get you OP - I have sometimes, at dark times, worried about the future prospect of what might happen if my DS continues to be unable to hear the word 'No' the first time it's spoken. It chills me, more on behalf of a future partner than him.

You're very much not BU to try to raise him to be a decent human, and to be aware of the societal forces that permit males to get away with literal murder in some cases. I wish you good luck!

Normal toddler behaviour

Unless he’s actively seeking out girls. Then I’d be a bit concerned.

As others have said this is a totally normal stage that many children, boys and girls, go through. You are doing the right thing to not to accept it with "boys will be boys" nonsense and what is important is to be consistent. This means you need to be confident that any other care givers, whether dad, family or nursery/childminder, are also on the same page. Nothing will undermine you more than someone teaching your son that this behaviour is acceptable while you're trying to do the opposite.

You are doing great!
From experience with DS1 who is now 15 and has adhd - which manifested in all sorts of meltdowns and hitting, jumping on other kids and acting out behaviour; it's probably normal and fine but looking back the worst events or behaviours we're precipitated by a combination of circumstances that meant he just couldn't cope. When we learnt to plan better for situations we learnt what we could and couldn't expect of him. For instance: hunger, heat, long journeys or waits, unfamiliar people or other kids changing the dynamics of the family or house, and stress in adults all contributed to meltdowns. It's good to Chalke ge children of course, but knowing what you are dealing with and what your child finds easy or difficult will allow you to challenge him and set boundaries without expecting too much of him.

I'm sure hell be fine though as you are thinking about these things.

Also I am forever telling people to Google 'good enough parenting' - this will help strike a balance

Yep it’s normal. If possible remove him from the situation. It’s often appeared to me to be frustration and inability to communicate in a better way. It’s also because they haven’t grasped turn taking and sharing very well at that age.
I agree with a PP that physical activity makes a big difference let him burn of energy running and jumping around.
Model turn taking activities so he gets used to the concept.
Don’t worry at his age his motivation is likely to be nothing more that I wanted to go in the sandpit.

@quixote9

One thing I haven't seen anyone suggest, maybe because it's simply Not Done, is teach not-hitting by pointing out that if we followed those rules he wouldn't do so well vis a vis mum or dad. What I'm trying to say is to make the empathy teaching vivid by having him think about how it would apply to him. "How would you like it if Mum resolved her issues with you that way?" "That's why you don't do it with other children."

Obviously, I don't have kids, so if this is a total no-no, do set me straight.

Well, sort of, but for a three year old, this is a very complicated thought experiment, and for a raging/upset three year old, this level of empathy/imagination is probably nearly impossible.

Children respond best to very simple rules. 'We don't hit' is enough. Clear, simple, non-blaming. That's all that's needed. Maybe as they get older you can get into the theory!

Probably even better is framing it in positive terms - I think some people use 'gentle' or a direct, positive instruction - I used to get my son to shake it out when he was angry, by shaking his hands. Redirects the angry energy.

I used to do some ‘time in’ with my daughter. I’d remove her and sit with her - give her a cuddle if she wanted it. We think she used to get hungry and angry mixed up, so we were careful about routine. We also did kind hands and repeat what wasn’t acceptable behaviour (in language they could understand). Swimming, blowing bubbles and trampolines are great for them to regulate themselves. My son used to get very, very anxious, repetitive and he’d kick out in the car. We used to get him to put his hands to his mouth and pretend to blow up an imaginary balloon...which would need really big breaths, then the balloon would get really big and lift the car off the road, then we would get him to describe what he could see.

Repeating yourself over unwanted behaviour seems futile at first but it does work. My 5 & 6 year olds have basic concepts of personal space and consent. My girl told her granny off the other day for sending a picture of her to me by text, she said: ‘you didn’t ask me if that was ok granny’.

Don’t be full of doom OP

All 3 yr olds are challenging

Does he only hit girls? Do you know why?

Is he calm with boys and aggressive with girls? It sounds highly unusual and have never witnessed a sexist attitude in kids this age. Is this definitely what is happening?

Also, boys are not more aggressive than girls. I have 2 boys, know lots of boys, and none of them were or are particularly aggressive. It’s a myth.

Keep treating him as an individual, gender is not a big factor in personality