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Feminism: chat

Coercive Control: a need for better awareness.

90 replies

R0wantrees · 16/12/2018 12:49

Mumsnet with Women's Aid recently launched a video.

'Walking on eggshells'

"A new Mumsnet survey to mark the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, run in partnership with Women’s Aid and Surrey Police, reveals that 38% of the survey respondents say they have been in a controlling or abusive relationship* with a partner – but almost a quarter (24%) of users who said they had been in a controlling or abusive relationship told no-one about any incidents of controlling or abusive behaviour"

www.mumsnet.com/relationships/coercive-control

See also the Duluth Wheel in screenshot

Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
twitter.com/FreedomProgramm

Lundy Bancroft: Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of Angry & Controlling Men'
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I'm sure there are other valuable resources which might be added

Coercive Control: a need for better awareness.
OP posts:
Fallingirl · 06/05/2021 14:33

Thanks for keeping this thread alive, R0. It is frightening how many women and girls it will be relevant to at some point.

R0wantrees · 19/06/2021 11:16

NetDoctor
'Coercive control checklist: 14 signs your partner is trying to control you
How to spot a controlling partner and escape emotional abuse.'
By Rhalou Allerhand
09/12/2020
(extract)
What is coercive control?
Most people understand what constitutes domestic violence, but abuse comes in a number of guises. Coercive control is a form of psychological abuse whereby the perpetrator carries out a pattern of controlling and manipulative behaviours within a relationship and exerts power over a victim, often through intimidation or humiliation, which tends to be more subtle and harder to spot.

'Coercive control is effectively controlling behaviour; either a one-off act or a pattern of acts by an abuser which takes away another person's freedom and ability to have a positive sense of self and worth,' explains Moulton. 'This results in the victim feeling more dependent on the abuser, which then creates an on-going cycle of controlling abuse.'

In this way, coercive control creates an invisible chain which further oppresses the victim. According to Women's Aid coercive control works to limit a person's human rights by depriving them of their liberty and reducing their ability for action, similar to being taken hostage. But how do you spot coercive control? (continues)

www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/a26582123/coercive-control/

OP posts:
NoTruckWithFrontedAdverbials · 21/06/2021 14:18

this is great.

brings stuff back and makes me feel a bit shakey.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 21/06/2021 16:11

Bump

Stopthisnow · 21/06/2021 17:40

I think coercive control can also occur in authoritarian regimes, political parties/groups and society at large, although it is not always just aimed at women when states and political groups engage in it. For example, in countries such as North Korea anyone who voices opposition to the regime is punished. In so called democratic countries the rise of ‘cancel culture’ could also said to be a form of coercive control. For example, someone says something that a political group disagrees with, then a political group goes about silencing the person, or threatening them financially, as has recently happened in regards to GB News.

Although, this kind of societal/political control can happen to anyone, men collectively have always historically engaged in harmful and controlling behaviours towards women in regimes, political parties/groups and society generally. I think this can still be observed today in greater or lesser degrees depending on the country. For example, in authoritarian regimes such as Iran and Saudi women are harshly controlled by men in what they can say and do, to oppose the control men exert over women in these regimes, results in women being harshly punished or even death. In so called democratic countries it is perhaps not extreme, but it is still present in many ways. For example, if a woman points out the harmful behaviours of men, or a group of men in society, she can often be ‘cancelled’ or receive threats of violence. One only has to listen to how female public figures have received threats of violence, after speaking out about men’s harmful and abusive behaviour towards women. This functions as way to control what women say and how they can deal with men’s abusive behaviour so can said to be a form of coercive control.

Often when women highlight men’s collective abusive and controlling behaviour towards women, men react with DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). For example, men deny their abusive behaviour or minimise it, claiming ‘it is not happening’, ‘only a few men are like this’, ‘why should all men be held accountable for a few men’s behaviour’, ‘it really is not that bad’ etc. They also attack and deflect from the from the issue of men’s harmful behaviour towards women, by saying things like ‘women are just as bad as men’, or use threats to intimate and silence the women from speaking up. They use reversals, by portraying themselves as the victims and paint women as the offenders calling the women ‘man-haters’, ‘feminazis’ etc.

Therefore, I think women should not only be vigilant about men’s narcissistic abuse such as coercive control and DARVO in intimate relationships, but also in society generally, so as to be able to recognise it when it is occurring and not be manipulated and controlled by them.

sawdustformypony · 22/06/2021 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

nosafeguardingadults · 22/06/2021 19:21

They don't care. Don't matter if awareness or not cos no one makes organisations like councils or other places do anything to help. They pretend on their websites but real life don't do anything to help. Organisations don't care even if physical violence and definitely not coercive control and economic abuse. They tell to to just leave or call police and obviously you can't cos of the abuse including economic abuse and they definitely don't care about coercive control cos they say you're not in immediate danger and don't help you leave. They just say if you haven't been murdered yet, no risk and just leave you with the risks.

R0wantrees · 13/07/2021 20:44

Healthy Place
When Verbal Abuse Is Disguised as a Joke
JULY 18, 2017 EMMA-MARIE SMITH
(extract)
One of the reasons verbal abuse is so insidious is that the abuser goes to great lengths to disguise his behavior as normal by saying hurtful things to you with a laughing or joking tone. By making jibes about your appearance or calling you stupid "for a joke," he can convince you that the abuse is all in your head, while still managing to belittle you into submission. Over time, you'll start questioning your own judgment. You'll put your trust in him rather than trusting your intuition. As a result, things will always end up being done his way. However, if he were to act this way explicitly, he risks being called out on his behavior and having his dominance undermined -- the very thing an abuser fears the most.

That Verbal Abuse Wasn't a Joke, and You're Not Too Sensitive
Disguising a hurtful comment as a joke is one of the many signs of verbal abuse, but I didn't know this at the time. Like many others, I believed I was just too sensitive; that if I wasn't so insecure I could handle his "banter" and we would get along just fine.

It's important to remember that a verbally abusive partner behaves this way so he can assert his control and influence over you. If you realized how great you were and how much better you deserved, you might not be willing to put up with his "jokes."

Identifying a pattern of abuse is half the battle, but it's up to you to break the cycle." (continues)
www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/07/when-verbal-abuse-is-disguised-as-a-joke

OP posts:
R0wantrees · 18/07/2021 15:43

Sunday Times
'I discovered my partner was a paedophile. He took me to court 37 times to get my kids
When a Facebook message revealed a horrific truth about the father of her children, it was just the start of Julia’s nightmare'

(extract)
"When she confronted him, Robert was “blasé” about it. “He said, ‘Oh yeah, she’s friends with my ex-wife. Don’t listen to her, she’s one of the people who launched a hate campaign against me’.”
Julia was not young or naive. She was a high-flier in her early thirties, the acting director of a national think tank. There was an eight-year age difference between her and Robert, and she smiles wryly as she recalls why she fell for him.
“He’s highly intelligent, he was older than the rest of my friendship group, and I think that was why I didn’t notice the gap in his life story. He was doing his second degree and I felt sorry for him battling to get contact with his children against his ‘nasty’ ex-wife. He seemed like such an amazing person: he spoke several languages, had run health clinics abroad, he had all this life experience, and he’s a really handsome guy, charismatic and attractive. Plus, I met him through friends.”
After the Facebook message arrived, Robert’s behaviour changed dramatically. He became unpleasant, aggressive and at times violent. “I became increasingly afraid of him, and of what this situation meant for all of us,” Julia says. “I had no idea how to handle it.” (continues)

Last year, a Ministry of Justice report was scathing about the harms inflicted by the family justice system; it recommended judges be more willing to make barring orders to protect parents from being abused again, through the courts. The government is reviewing whether the law that says contact with both parents is in a child’s best interests — which underpins what is widely characterised as the family court’s culture of “contact at all costs” — should be repealed.
Julia remains bewildered by the Kafkaesque position she was put in. “I had social services saying that if I let him see the kids, they would investigate to see if I was strong enough to protect my children — they might even take them off me — and the family court saying that his convictions for sexual assaults of minors were not necessarily enough to stop him seeing the children.
“That was despite the fact he never showed any remorse for what he’d done to those girls. It was always up to me to prove that he was still a risk.
“My whole life had been sucked into dealing with these spurious allegations. For years, it was like a second job, and I had never said he couldn’t see the children, I just wanted it supervised — and now a convicted paedophile was saying I was psychologically abusing my children ...
“The impact on me was deemed irrelevant because the only thing the court cared about was the importance of them having contact with their father.
“We had so many different judges, and some of them spoke to me in a vile and totally disrespectful way,” she recalls. (continues)
archive.fo/fvKRK#selection-951.0-971.117

OP posts:
newnortherner111 · 18/07/2021 15:58

The trial of Ryan Giggs early next year may increase awareness of coercive control given the charges he faces.

Given it is a pending trial I am sure you can appreciate why I make no comment on the specifics of the case or my opinion of Mr Giggs.

R0wantrees · 02/01/2022 17:27

Bumping this resource thread for anyone who may need it.

'Domestic abuse services brace for surge in victims seeking help in first week of January'
www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/domestic-abuse-victims-january-rise-christmas-b1984019.html

OP posts:
R0wantrees · 07/01/2022 16:39

From link above:

'The Covert Narcissist Guide'
Weena Cullins
Jan 27, 2020·
Warning Signs of the Abuser You Never See Coming
(extract)
"When it comes to romantic relationships, resilient people have this one thing in common. Quite often, they don’t discover that they’ve been enduring actual abuse until their psychological resources are nearly depleted, which takes a great deal longer than others without their strength. It’s not that they don’t see signs or fail to identify toxic behavior. They simply have a knack for working around problems, rising above them, and pushing through them for the sake of achieving their relationship goals. In the meantime, these abusive relationships do take their mental, emotional, and physical toll. By the time a remarkably resilient person stumbles across an article or book, hears a podcast episode, or consults with a therapist who is able to accurately describe the dynamics of their abusive relationship and give it a label, they are mind-blown. After all, the ability to recover from difficulties or bounce back from problems more quickly than others is usually a helpful tool in life. However, it may make some of us even more vulnerable to certain unhealthy dynamics, patterns, and forms of abuse. One such form is narcissistic abuse. It’s important to explore the link between resilient and narcissistic partners because they are likely to pair up with each other, setting the stage for an abusive relationship. The true danger lies in the fact that the narcissist has ulterior motives from the start while their unsuspecting partner is unaware that manipulation will play a primary role throughout their relationship." (continues)

weenacullins.medium.com/the-covert-narcissist-guide-1e46959a6bd1

Flowers for all of the strong, resilient, empathic women deliberately targeted by manipulative men who lack these qualities.

OP posts:
CaveMum · 07/01/2022 16:48

Great thread. I highly recommend following Laura Richards on Twitter - she’s been a huge advocate and campaigner on domestic abuse and coercive control.

She also has a podcast called Crime Analyst and through that has interviewed a lot of women about coercive control including Jess Hill (who wrote an excellent book called See What You Made Me Do) and Zoe Dronfield a campaigner and survivor of attempted murder by her controlling partner.

CaveMum · 07/01/2022 16:53

Should have said Laura Richards’ Twitter handle is @laurarichards99 and her dedicated podcast handle is @thecrimeanalyst

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