Remind me please, what is the point in life?

[Dumbledoresgirl]

Please don't bring religion into it because I have tried religion and don't buy it anymore.

I was talking to dh this morning and told him that at every stage of life, at every great life event, those moments that are supposed to bring happiness and balance out the nastier side of life, I have felt only a barrage of worry, stress and fear.

I am probably more than half way through my life and I cannot see my naturally pessimistic view of life changing so I need something to hang on, to keep me going.

I am not suicidal or anything, just feeling very negative at the moment.

Can you remind me what it is all about? What is the point?

You say you would enjoy it still if people didn't tell you to get a job.
Well, enjoy it then!
They are all noble and useful pursuits.
Cooking, sewing, reading, gardening-my idea of heaven.

Re the house though, if theings need doing, hen do them.

Don't end up like the woman (single) I moved next door to 20 years ago.She told me then that she needed to redecorate and clear her attic but hadn't the energy.

I have moved now but saw her recently (she is lovely) and she was stil lmuttering about the same thing.
She goes every day to a job she hates, dreams of pursuing a degree in anthropology (she could easily do it p/t as no kids or even f/t as mortgage paid off and she is comfortable)and spends every evening smoking Silk Cut, watching soaps and feeling depressed.

And meanwhile, life ticks by and she feels worse and wordse with every year that passes.

Oh sorry, lots of x posts. Clarissimo, I am glad if I have helped at all on this thread and good luck with getting help for your phobias. I understand the telephone one though I would not classify it as a phobia in me. But I loathe making phone calls and yes, it is to do with needing to see the face of the person I am talking to.

Moondog, that is a great quote. I think I have seen it (or very similar) before. I need to get that copied so I can post it on my wall too.

Ah FIS, that's good to know.
I have my fair share of shit and hassle like everyone but I wake every day and look forward to getting out there and doing the things I do, so all things considered, it's a good life.

broadly speaking I agree with MD. points that particularly leapt out from MD's posts are 1)accepting unhappiness sometimes and 2)waiting for the "perfect" time for life change. I was waiting for the "perfect" time to lose several stone in weight (have been stressed for 3 years plus about DS/mild SN) - but finding out I had high cholesterol at 32 gave me the motivation to seriously revise my diet. I didn't need the "perfect" time at all.

now I wonder if what I am about to suggest is what MD suggested to you...... I am going to suggest spending some money on seeing a really good psychologist to try and make inroads on your phobia. As I suspect that the constant low grade level of anxiety and avoidance of triggers has taken its toll and precipitated you towards depression.

otherwise - do you want to work/do voluntary work etc? (obviously practicalities round 4 kids/school runs etc need to be taken into account). Last year I got a fairly dull but low stress part-time NHS admin job, that has done me the world of good. As an SAHM it's very easy to become invisible, as at a good workplace you should get regular feedback and praise for doing a goodjob - which doesn't really happen as an SAHM.

Oh your poor friend Moondog. Yes, that sounds like me in many ways (though dh and I are decorating - money is a huge restraint on getting it done any faster).

But if I worked, I would have more money - I know, I know!

Foxinsocks, honestly the phobia is less intrusive now than it was. Not because it has gone away (and no I can't imagine life without it having had it for pretty much all my life) but because I encounter it less.

I don't think I have any more shit or hassle than you do Moondog. But you call it a good life and I am sitting here wondering what the point of it all is. That is the fundamental difference between us. You are clearly an optimist who embraces life. I am sadly a pessimist who looks suspiciously at everything and wonders what harm it will do me. How do I change that?

I think I'm quite pessimistic actually and I have gone through more pain in the last few years than I ever believed possible (pain that consumed an entire year of my life)

But you know what, it made me leaner and meaner and tougher and sharper and more appreciative of need to savour times when it all goes right.

My dh working with with thousands of women who live in indescribable conditions in Bangladesh is always a good tactic to bring me to my senses when I wallow.

I wonder if the house becomes a convenient reason for not making meaningful change? I notice quite a few people I am friendly with who are unhappy, have a huge old place that 'needs work' that always prevents them doing other stuff.

Dh and I had fantasies about doing up old barns and whathaveyuo ,but came to our senses and bought a modern detached house. I can't tell you how liberatinog it is to own a place that looks after itself (even if I hanker back to my lovely old period perfect Georgian townhouse with Aga and flagstones that I owned in another life.)
I don;t hold much truck with counselling or therapy but oe particular form which has excellent clinical results is
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
I studied it in detai las parto f my MSc and the implications of its growing use are really impressive.

But, you need to commit to

1. accepting that life is sometimes a bit shit

1. making one small change right now and going with it for a bit

What is your dh's take on all this?

Dh's take is that I should do whatever will make me happy but he has been asking for 10 years what that might be and I have never known. He thinks a job is the way forward and I don't disagree entirely - TC's NHS admin job sounds appealing - but I have no skills to bring to a job application.

You are right about the old house being a burden. I caught myself longing for our modern detatched former home the other day even though this home is pretty much my dream house.

So embarking on this veggie plot of mine is not enough of a change for now? I tried understanding your link to ACT, but my brain has atrophied.

Dumbledoresgirl - I think that your life sounds rather lovely... I love to cook and bake, love killing plants by accident gardening, I do like to do different stuff with dd, crafts, activities, swimming etc. I live in a weeny 3 bed semi that at times feels like a hamster cage...

I feel that an lot of our unhappiness / lack of can be down to perception.

I suffer from anxiety, thankfully without the crippling depression I had as a teenager. I often think, ooh I would not be anxious if I had so and so's life, but then I realise that it is not true, I would just be anxious about different stuff, a different set of what if's, a different set of worries keeping me up at night... But then I look at so and so, and see them cheerfully getting on with it and enjoying all the good stuff.

I have lots of very good reasons to be greeting every morning with a stupid grin on my face, and tbh just as many reasons to burst into tears over breakfast. I suppose it's just my choice. The difficult part for me is to make that choice and see it through when in the middle of an anxiety attack.

A less obtuse link

I do think a lot of unhappiness stems from thinking your life should be different to the way it is (for everyone, mental health problems or not).

Like nemo says, the description of your life might be ideal for someone else. Have you ever tried to sit down and think what it is in your life that hasn't turned out the way you thought it would? Do you think you have defined yourself by a concept that you aren't fulfilling?

Accepting your lot and focusing on the future can be a very positive thing. But it sounds like you need more of a long term plan to focus on. If you are concerned about the children leaving already, I would suggest that you do need to look for something like voluntary or paid work, or something that is going to give you a level of satisfaction that can continue no matter what happens at home.

As for thinking you have no skills, you have loads, you just aren't giving yourself credit for them. You have spent years sorting out a household and you taught beforehand - don't underestimate those skills.

The other things to focus on are the normal depression busting activities - your vegetable plot is a good one. Regular exercise. Trying to see friends outside the home regularly.

dg - at the very least you have office job skills - literate, articulate, able to type, use the internet, write coherently.

I have had a quick read of the mindfulness etc links MD put up (interesting, ties in with my take on the very helpful CBT I had 5 years back). And wonder whether your interest in HP could help = if you could almost personalise some of the bleaker thoughts, think of them as being the Dementors that you need to see off.

' I caught myself longing for our modern detatched former home the other day even though this home is pretty much my dream house'

You know, I caught myself longing for our former home the other day too. God knows why: it was a tiny 2 bed, in a village miles from anywhere where we decidedly did not fit in and whilst some very wonderful things happened there- such as 2/4 children being brought home- so did an awful lot of shite.

It was what the home represented: a time in our lives before asd took its toll, where [problems were always solvable and we had a lot more control(it was the only home we ever owned)

Identifying why I desperately missed the house I think was key tro realising what has been up (for me it ids abouta lack of control, the fact thatI planned so carefully but had minimal control over where I am now).

Does the newer house have any similar attachments for you perhaps?

I am barely able to write anything because I lack energy and motivation.However I just wanted to say that I think I understand how you are feeling but don't have any answers sadly.I spend alot of my time staring into space which can be quite enjoyable if the house is quiet.

Thank you for all your thoughts. I especially want to thank thumbwitch because I realised last night I had not acknowledged your post having asked you to tell me about your diet. I was interested in it as I do think what we eat can affect us in more ways than the obvious. You said you are blood type B. I am O. I wonder if the foods would be any different for me as yours are fairly fundamental in my diet!

I have had a better day today. I didn't get much done - went back to bed after the children had gone to school and read, but it is a really enjoyable book so it was more a question of not being able to put it down rather than blocking out real life. In fact, I even took it to school at pick up time to read in the playground! I also talked to my dad on the phone, did some sewing and did the week's shopping.

No cleaning, no tidying, nothing therapeutic like the garden, but hey, we can't have everything. Tomorrow is another day. I hope it will be better for you too zombiewoman.

Type O is somewhat different from Type B but there are similarities. The biggest one being that I get to eat dairy without any problem whereas groups O and A are supposed to limit it; group O should also avoid wheat where possible. There are lots of alternative pastas now and there are gluten-free breads that are getting better all the time (rice bricks are so last century!)

this gives some useful information but you would need to look at the book to get the detailed info on what to avoid. You should be able to get it from the library if you don't want to shell out for it, although it's not that expensive. It's not even just about diet - although I think the man's anthropology is not only simplistic, it is probably very wrong, what he says for each blood type does seem to work! So that makes you a hunter-gatherer type who needs lots of physical exertion.

And I should say that before I read this book I pretty much lived off Italian style food - pasta, tomato, bread, chicken etc. were main staples in my diet but by God the difference when I removed them was so worth it! I craved pizza about once a year for the first few years but not for ages now.

I can't say it will be as great for you but I think it's still worth a go for a few weeks (minimum of 2, preferably 6) to see if you get any improvement