Did you look 'yourself' while you had depression or did your appearance suffer?

[frumpygrumpy]

I don't mean did you wash and wear clean clothes......I mean more did your face lose its spark? Did your skin stop glowing? Did your hair feel greasy and lank?

I have felt low before but I have always managed to cover it up pretty well because outwardly, no-one could tell. However, atm, I look a state. Its obvious I am not looking great, although I am still positive on the outside.

For once, I think I might actually look worse than I feel IYKWIM.

Definitely - when I was depressed my hair was lack lustre, lots of spots, and my face looked lined and grey. I had loads of frown lines - probably because I had a permanent frown!
I put on weight, and wore shapeless clothes, and generally wasn't bothered about making too much of an effort. This was when I was working within a very competitive and image driven job too.

Buckbuck, that is it. I don't feel the panic any more, which is great and its allowed me to be muc calmer with my children, but its a bit worrying because I don't really care if I don't get through what I mean to........I just want to get the day over and get back to sleep. I used to live on adrenalin and panic and without it....I'm not quite sure where I am. Its probably a good thing but its a bit 'nothing' and I feel direction less.

Going back to the doctors on Wednesday.

My DP was a huge support in the days when we discussed it. These days, he is still lovely but I don't think he wants to hear it anymore. When I do bring it up, he tries to say I'm tired, need more sleep etc. I don't think he really believes in depression. I didn't either and tried very hard to change everything in my life to force it out and not allow it in. Eventually, I couldn't deny it any longer and so here I am. He doesn't know I started ADs, he does know I went to the doctor because I was feeling awful but he hasn't asked how it went. I mentioned I am going this week, he hasn't asked why or when.

Not having him fully on board is hard because everything in me is screaming that I want to shut down anything that is not basic survival. I just want to simplify everything right now and do no more than the basics. To give me time to fix following years of pushing. However, he doesn't understand that. He has agreed we go to a corporate day sport thing in a few weeks which just fills me with horror and when I tried to ask if we had to go (or if I have to go)......it seemed clear I would hurt him terribly not to. Or we would argue. His not understanding is causing a problem but then I suppose from his side, I just need to shake myself and get on with it.

Sorry, I seem to have waffled on much, much more than I meant to! Its early days, I just feel a bit all over the place.

Hey Frumpy, waffle away!

I was the same when I first started the meds, just wanting to get through the day so I could sleep, I was quite out of it for a week or so but it did improve.

I really think that you need to talk to your DP about this. When you said 'Not having him fully on board is hard because everything in me is screaming that I want to shut down anything that is not basic survival. I just want to simplify everything right now and do no more than the basics. To give me time to fix following years of pushing.' You have summed up really well the process that I went through after starting to take the meds and I do think I was only able to do this because DP understood what was going on with me at the time.

(On a more practical level, I think he should know incase something happened to you and medics needed to know of any medication that you're on)

If only it was as simple as giving yourself a shake and everything would be fine again eh? You really sound to me that you have reached a point where you know what needs to be done to help yourself get better.

It is strange to me that he hasn't asked you how you got on at the Drs. Are you the main driving force in the family? Is he scared of admitting to himself that you are not feeling right and worrying how this will affect him and your DC??

I've got to go now, take care and I'll be around again this evening

Thanks for hearing it BuckBuck, I hadn't really intended this thread as a Pour My Heart Out one

I am the driving force. For all my downs, I am the decision maker, the bossiest, the most stubborn, and all the family/house stuff is done my way. He has always worked away and/or long hours and so I completely run our home life. I never really thought that might actually be a concern for him. I do need to have the chat with him. I've always been totally honest with him and I have never had trouble talking with him about anything. This is different. Maybe just because it was a big step for me. Inside I do feel a little bit like I failed myself for having to take ADs.

Ah, its all good I suppose. Anything that gets me there.

Thank you so very much for sharing your story. Its kind of a weight lifted xxx.

Blimey frumpy, I think you are right about the twin thing!! I could've written that last post too, especially the failing yourself bit!

I really hope you are able to talk to your DP. I'm on MN a fair bit most of the time so please let me know how it's going with you

Check out the towel thread, if you're answer if the same as mine we were separated at birth

Looking back at photos, I wasn't myself. I put on weight, was very pale and my face looked bloated, with dull skin and no spark in my eye.

your

buckbuck...i used to be the same....i tried to be superwoman after having DS1 ....supermummy,chef in the kitchen,house beautiful, garden by alan titchmarsh,whore in the bedroom, DIY fanatic,couldnt stand anything being out of place...and it was the final undoing of me. I eventually collapsed through nervous exhaustion as i would be tidying up at 1-2am. Now i have learned to let things slide but at times i can feel the old me creeping back.

alpaly, welcome

I don't think it's anything we're ever completely 'cured' of but I find it easier to, (and DP can also) recognise the signs of when I'm falling back into that way of behaving.

I think one of the hardest things is that to the outside world everything seems fine and normal and there are no obvious signs of being depressed.

How are you feeling now alypaly? How long since you collapsed?

I was clearing out a drawer and I came accross some clothes I'd bought during a bad patch 2 years ago. OMG, they were so dull, mainly black and "nothing"-ish. I threw them out straight away as they reminded me of that bleak time. I was suprised when I saw them because I'd always believed I'd maintained my appearance (I actually become a bit more OCD about hygeine and make-up during a depressive episode, the only part of my life I can control and all that).
So I would say, yes, people might not know you're depressed but you definitely don't have your sparkle.

I agree with posture. I look back at photos and I do have a hunched look about my shoulders.

I had a complete nervous breakdown 15 years ago as i was alone all day,everyday and have been quite a lonely person all my life. Ex Thanks for the welcome
Wish i had someone close to notice if i was slipping downhill.
DP used to leave the house a 6am and was never back before 7-8pm. I had a very prem baby to cope with and the birth gave me really severe PND which brought up old issues of sexual abuse. It took many sessions of counselling to realise why i was suffering so badly and it was only when a guy in our group was talking about sexual abuse, that it all came to a head.Noone noticed how bad i was feeling as i was able to put on a facade each day,untiil i just literally collapsed on the floor crying uncontrollably and asked the doc to help me.

I never felt good enough at anything,never got any praise for achievements, so i suppose i was always striving for perfection. This is what my consultant concluded anyway.

After 5 years on AD i just about got back on track but it has severely affected my sleep which is why i am not in bed now. MY DP had an affair with his ex fiancee whilst i was prenant with DS2 which knocked my confidence even further. Now i am a sp and find life really tough going except for my two wonderful boys. And tbh right now ,i feel as though i am slipping backwards as i am so lonely.

appearance wise i feel as if i am letting myself slide a bit,although in my defence i am doing some tiling in my kitchen....so stilettos and posh togs are not the right work gear.Dont want to get up in the morning and i am finding it really difficult to finish tasks at the moment.

alypaly, I so know how you feel. I read something recently that helped me for some reason.
Apparently if you have a child under the age of 14 in the house your distress levels are higher than the population average. If the child is under 6 the distress levels are higher again. The distress is increased for the sheer number of children. So if you have 2 children you will naturally be more distressed.
This is not a study of depressed people, its a study of the general population. Knowing this cheered me up a bit because it made me feel that my distress is real and not completely unwarranted. It also made me realise that things really will get better as the kids get older and less dependant.

Hi Sakura, that's really interesting, I will keep that in mind when my lot are driving me to distraction

Hey alpypaly, that sounds like an awful time for you What a lot you had to cope with.

And your exDP sounds like a nob!

My DP is not DS1's biological father, but is his Dad with regards to their relationship. DS1's BD had a serious drug addiction that was destroying our life and I had to leave when DS1 was 2. I was very lucky as I moved back in with my Mum, who is amazing, so though I was technically a single parent I did have a lot of support. I always admire women who are sp's as I had a little glimpse of what it is like and I'm not sure how well I would be able to cope.

I'll let you off on the stillettos, at least til your tiling is done, but after that there's no excuse [joke] My heel wearig days are very much over, except for nights out, I'm afraid it's comfort all the way here for me now.

Does your ex still have contact with your DC? Do you ever get a break?

It is good that you are recognising the signs yourself. Are you eating properly? Have you got any strategies to help you falling way back?

I'm going to post and run because I'm not sure if this is appropriate (although I do let my appearance slide when I'm depressed - I punish myself by doing this)...

Anyway, I just wanted to say what amazing people you are. You have managed to see your problems and address them as best you can. You're extremely supportive of others and you really do provide a friendly, listening cyber ear. Even if some of us don't have the courage to post the truth about our depressive feelings or the impact on us and those around us, just reading about yours helps us all, I think.

Anyway, I'm off now as I'm not good at saying this kind of thing and always worry that people will think I'm weird and creepy or something!

Buck,my guys are alot older now,they are 21 and 17 and i have never felt like i needed a break. Other then my prem one,(which was frightening because of his size and my bad toxaemia)they were good babies and in the main have been really well behaved children.
MY mum was living near to me at that time and was my best friend and the only person i had conversation with.She baby sat for me if i wanted to go and play badminton.
When we first split up my ex was supposed to look after them on alternate weekends,but only if it fitted in with his social plans with new girlfriend(which it didnt very often).
Then 7 years ago when DS2 was 10 and Ds1 was 15 my mum had a bad stroke which rendered her incapable of looking after herself. It took away virtually all her memory and her continence(which i only found out once i started to look after her). It didnt affect any part of her nody,just her mind. It was like severe alzeihmmers. I looked after her 24/7 along with 2 boys and a part time job.Used to take her to day care on the days i was working but it made the day very long by the time i picked her up. I eventually went under with the stress and distress. Then i had to put my best friend in a care home as it was making me ill.

She sadly died 2 years ago and i still miss her and still cry about her not being here. I lost my best friend and my mum and now other than my boys,i have noone to turn to for that closeness.

She used to suffer from anxiety and depression so maybe some has rubbed off on me. I know when it is affecting me now,as i recognise the downward spiral. I just wish i had a female friend that i could go out with for coffees and chats and days out. I have never had this and it would be so nice.

Belle, what a wonderful, wonderful post!

It is for those very reasons you stated that I strongly disagree when there are threads saying the mental health threads shouldn't be replied to. Some people think that it shouldn't be discussed on here as it is something only to be discussed with a professional........true.....but its also vitally important for each of us to have an outlet to share and support for the minor and the major stuff.

Depression is like an ocean that can carry you up or down and we never know quite how its going to be. MN is also like an ocean of support, always someone around just when you need them.

I can honestly say that I have only come as far as I have through the support of MNetters. Otherwise I would never, ever have faced up to half the problems I felt. These very threads have supported me for the last 5 years and helped me learn so much about this damn illness. Learning = power IMHO and if we can share with each other then we can win against the wrath of depression.

Only when you have felt the claws in your back can you truly understand the fear. And if I can help anyone escape that fear then I will. There is comradeship in depression. And that is to be applauded. Stay a while Belle, you are only welcome if you are "weird and creepy"

Thank you frumpy. And phew!

frumpygrumpy when i had depression i actually perceived that i looked different to everyone around me. As if they would know i wasnt well. My eyes used to feel stary and i just looked glum i think. I tried to put on a front which is why some people didnt notice,but i did that much crying ,my eyes were always red and the skin was always sore under my eyes. I always saw the black side of things and the ifs ,buts and maybes. Now i am through it all(well almost) i think i have a far more positive attititude and a brighter persona. But i do now know when it is creeping back.

Hi all!

I'm another one who MN has helped. I posted on here when I was at my lowest point and iirc it was custardo, in her no nonsense way, who told me to get to the doctors. And it really changed things for me.

I also had a mc a year ago and was welcomed on to the mc threads with such kindness and understanding. It was the only place I really thought that people truly understood me, even tho I had great RL support too.

Alypaly, I'm sorry to hear about your mum. That must've been really hard to witness and I'm sure she knew what a wonderful, caring daughter she had. I'm sending you a cwtch x

Are there ever any MN meet ups that you could go to? Or have you thought about looking at courses in your area? I'm doing a community uni course at teh moment and have met a really diverse bunch of people and I'm really enjoying doing something just for me.