If you have been through counselling, does it get worse before it gets better, and how do you get through the tough bit?

[MitsubishiWarrioress]

I think I need to see my doctor, something has gone wrong.

Is counselling worth it? My counsellor is brilliant, but I feel like a mess. Too much in my head to deal with and I can't get it all back in now that I have decided to face it.
Or does it get like this and then get a bit better because I can't stand this?
It all came out and she (the counsellor cried). I didn't.
Why can't I just draw a line and 'get over it'.
It's doing my head in.
I want to get through it and lay the ghosts to rest and heal the bits that are broken but don't know how. Why? Why can't I just say 'OK, it happened, now what about the rest of life?'

I keep crying now really badly. Poor DC's. Everything feels so raw and I don't know how to cope and function as a Mum. I am better when I am in 'deep as a puddle mode'.

I look at them and see myself at their ages and wonder (about young Mitts) Why her?

But if anyone has been through counselling, does it help? Do you go through the hard bit and come out the other side better equipped to deal with it and move on. I want the rest of my life back.

The counsellor has been using Transactional Analysis and from
September to Christmas it had been great.

We had touched on the past and the patterns and events that had bought me to counselling and then the last two weeks something just, well I don't know. Everything came bubbling up and I don't know where to put it all. It is not like depression, although I am very sad and confused.

Sad for the person it all happened to. Putting things into one picture was too much. Not all bad bad stuff but just so much. Getting smaller and smaller. She said you need to heal the 'core being' to fix stuff (that's my interpretation) but it's just like I have had my skin peeled off and now it all hurts.

I have lots of life experiences that were not great but I can see they were just the learning curve and some of this stuff is not on what I think the scale of normal learning stuff should be.

And what do you do with the 'hurt'. My Mum and Dad have a chair that something bad happened to me in. What do I do now? They don't know. I can't ask them to get rid off it. They are in their late 60's and 70's. They don't need to know. But I go over and it is like a scar, reminding me so I can't shut it out. And the person involved and involved in other stuff. What do I do. So many years ago. I can't rake it up now so why is it in my head?

Because I have a little girl who is about the the same age as when some of the stuff happened and it tears me apart. I have panic attacks when she is with older boys. It won't leave my head.

I wish I could get angry because I think I could do something with that but this leaves me impotent and I feel so fragile. I have put it on here because I have to get it out of my head and if I just write it down on paper, I have to do something with it.

At least I have stopped just wanting to curl up and let life cruise on. I do want to be part of it. Just not like this. Not any more.

Come and join us on the abuse support thread and you will find that you are not alone, there's lots of us.

I am in therapy and it did get a lot worse and it took me four days to function normally after a session but I'm really so much better now. Things started to make sense. My memories of what has happened are still coming back and that is painful but I have been able to give lots of things a place.

I can't be angry with him, not yet. Still working on that bit.

Transactional analysis is great but it may not be enough to deal with deep trauma. Is your counsellor experienced in this? If not you may need to be referred on to someone else. If you're anywhere in the midlands try Safeline in Warwick they are good.

I can also recommend just writing things down - you will start to make links and see patterns.

You have a lot of healing to do but you will get there

Thanks willsurvive....

My counsellor is lovely and she is the first person I have felt able to trust..

That's quite a big step.......

trust is very important and if you feel she's the only person you can talk to then stick with her and for all I know she may be very experienced in trauma.

Transactional analysis can be very powerful in a situation like yours because you can work on strengthening your adult to take care of the child within you.

I was shocked to discover how much in me was caused/coloured by the abuse and more and more came out and I found it overwhelming and confusing. But then pieces started to fall back where they should go.

Couldn;t let this go unanswered.

I can relate to everything you have written. It is very similar to what I wrote last September time. Look at my thread.

It does hurt like hell and confuses you. I didn;t feel depressed, just overwhelmed with all the feelings, decisions, confusion etc.

What you are going through is perfectly normal given the circumstances. My view is it's something I have to ride out to get to where I want to be.

Pretending to try and "put it behind me" clearly wasn;t working. So now I've made the commitment to deal with it.

Mitt, on your other thread you said your felt small and scared, but you know that even acknowledging that IS brave. And you have done another brave thing by coming on here and asking for help from others who have been in the same place.

Will be holding you in my thoughts.

Oh mitts, i have no idea what say tht might help, i have no experience of this

but i will say one thing, you are a wonderful, witty intelligent and kind woman and you deserve to be happy , i hope it comes to you soon lovely

You poor darling. I only really know a bit about counselling from the counsellor's perspective, and I never got hugely experienced at it, but I think it is very common for things to feel worse before they get better. You must have got used to burying things and tucking them away- once these things are brought up to the surface and really examined they are going to really fucking hurt, but it is part of the healing process.

Please be kind to yourself and do little things to nourish yourself, like you would if you were poorly. FWIW I think you are really brave to do this, and you will come out the other side at some point feeling a lot stronger and more peaceful. The darkest hour is just before dawn, as they say x

Thinking of you Mitts x

Mitts - i didnt realise how similar we were

Junior is the same age now as i was when things were going on in my childhood - it is sooooo hard Even when she started her periods last week, i felt like such a crap mum as i couldnt even go into discussing tampons with her.

I have had counselling as well, more CBT, and she kept telling me i needed to talk in more detail about it all, but i couldnt, for fear of falling apart - which i guess is what you are trying to deal with now.

My counseller would ask me what i would say to the child me etc, and sometimes i would say the right things (its not your fault etc) but not actually believe it.

This may be a really stupid thought, but would you be able to visit your parents house without them being there? And maybe have a 'conversation' with the chair? Or even write it a letter? Just a way of getting out what you need to say, without fear of repucussions etc

My abuser lives not far from me, right next to a dene where he used to take me. I havent been so brave as to go back there, but i sometimes had a quick drive past to remind myself of how far i have come (the days when it doesnt feel like i have come far enough)

I know i am still struggling on with my past, but i hope you know that anytime you need a shoulder, mine is here, along with the rest of us on the thread (speaking for the majority there, but i am sure its right)

If you dont want to post really personal stuff on here, feel free to FB me

I just wanted to show my support to you here as well. Venus is right - you are being so very brave. Thinking of you.

mitts you are a very brave strong lady, braver and stronger then me. I have never stuck at coucilling because i cant trust the person and am incapable about discussing feelings. It will get better, but this phase of accepting the past is the hardest. Get through it and it will be amazing. hang in there.

Mitts-u r a brave brave woman-well done for starting counselling-when emotions have been buried for a long long time it can be really hard to "access" them which may be why you struggled to feel when everything came out- it can sometimes feel like you are telling a story about somebody else and can feel detached. Don't push yourself too hard you are clearly doing a massive amount of emotionally draining "work" during your sessions & it takes a long time to heal. Am thinking of you & sending lots of support through the ether.

Thanks so much....

I am very tired now but feel a little buoyed by the support and may sleep a little better...

Mitts I've just seen this, keep at it. It will get better

Hi Mitts. Does your counsellor say this is going as she expects it too? I do not think you should stop. I have counselling (for different reasons) but I certainly felt for a while that I was being forced to think about/address things that I was doing a good job of burying, thank you very much. And I didn't like it. Now I know how important that part of the process was for me. I guess it is stirring things up, muddying the waters, but otherwise the thing you are avoiding just lies in wait at the bottom for you.. It is part of who you are, but it is not all of who you are. You sound like you are doing exactly the right things, but unfortunately it is going to take some time. Really sorry all this has happened to you, by the way.

Mitts, I too am doing the Transactional Analysis type of counselling. Yes, it really hurts, but my counsellor is very gentle and keeps telling me that there is no rush and to take my time through it.

She also suggests taking a break occasionally. I am really struggling through it atm, so I think I shall take a break very soon. Is that something you could do? I did that over the Christmas time, and it really did help to give me time to heal by myself. Counselling does push you to open up, and by having a rest, you can concentrate on yourself for a while.

Sometimes it does feel like the emotions are too much. But I do focus on the future, where things will be much much better. That 's why I am determined to finish the counselling. It's a long process, but I am convinced that it is worth it.

Your question on how to get through the tough bit? Wish I knew is the quick answer (sorry!) but your counsellor will help you by giving you strategies, make sure you ask for help. Make sure she knows how you are struggling with the process.

The main thing is to look after yourself, by giving yourself time (I go for a bath a lot!), or other things that you like to do (sewing, reading, walks, whatever you like) to help you feel better.

I also confide in a friend. That helps a lot too.

WIshing you the best.

Thanks again.

Might be an idea to take a break Two.

I also need to plan a bit more for the time after the session as I was just so unprepared for how I would feel. Everything (RL) felt like it was all in a fog and I wasn't a part of it. I have small things that I need to feel 'safe', and get panicky if they are not in place.

I feel a bit more with it today.

Copious amounts of tea and I might be almost human.

Thanks to all xx

mitts - wish I had lots of wise words for you but it sounds like others have so I won't butt in about things I know nothing about. But sending you lots of love and support.

Mitts - I keep thinking about the chair. I don't know your Mum and Dad and I don't know what's right and wrong in these situations...but I feel really strongly that however old I was - I would need to know about something that affected my daughter. Surely they must sense some sadness and to not understand why would be so hard. And if there is something so simple they could do(as getting rid of an old chair) that would give you some respite...

Have you talked to your counsellor about telling them. Is it something you really feel is better that you don't do? I know you are protecting them but it sounds like it is at a massive sacrifice to you - are you sure that is what they would want?

I don't know Hells... I might ask my counsellor. My Mum has had a really tough life and my Dad isn't an easy man. He himself made some strange parental choices that as parent now are just so glaringly 'wrong'.

It involves a family member. It is hard handling things in my head but I am not sure I could deal with the fall out of speaking to them. And also a family member had some involvement.

My Dad won't acknowledge that I have issues with depression. I tried to sort myself out when I was 18 because I realised then things were not quite right and he wouldn't discuss it at all. And I have learnt to play them down rather than open up and deal with his feelings about it all on top of the mess inside my head. It would make my Mum's life uncomfortable. I'd like to burn it. And wish they would move. (they still live where I grew up).

I need to learn how to not let it swamp me. But there aren't any warning signs as such. I can think I am handling it and then suddenly I am so very not doing so.

Maybe something symbolic, I don't know.

It's like being a Russian Doll and a couple of the inside Dolls being damage and broken, and not always having control of someone coming along and opening it up to expose the inner damaged bits. Overall I am OK if I am control of being the outer doll......

I don't know Hells... I might ask my counsellor. My Mum has had a really tough life and my Dad isn't an easy man. He himself made some strange parental choices that as parent now are just so glaringly 'wrong'.

It involves a family member. It is hard handling things in my head but I am not sure I could deal with the fall out of speaking to them. And also a family member had some involvement.

My Dad won't acknowledge that I have issues with depression. I tried to sort myself out when I was 18 because I realised then things were not quite right and he wouldn't discuss it at all. And I have learnt to play them down rather than open up and deal with his feelings about it all on top of the mess inside my head. It would make my Mum's life uncomfortable. I'd like to burn it. And wish they would move. (they still live where I grew up).

I need to learn how to not let it swamp me. But there aren't any warning signs as such. I can think I am handling it and then suddenly I am so very not doing so.

Maybe something symbolic, I don't know.

It's like being a Russian Doll and a couple of the inside Dolls being damage and broken, and not always having control of someone coming along and opening it up to expose the inner damaged bits. Overall I am OK if I am control of being the outer doll......

I guess there is no 'right' answer but it does seem like such an important part of how you are right now (being faced with memories) - that I hope you do get a chance to ask the Counsellor her thoughts. As you say the fallout may be a worse conclusion than any benefit from telling your parents...but I guess talking it through with a professional may make it clear which is the right path.

I'm sorry Mitts. I wish I could help.

Mitsubishi I know where you are coming from in terms of telling your parents. I was abused by a teacher for years and my parents never knew. My mum died years and years ago and I haven't faced up to telling my dad yet since the memories came back last year.

I will be staying with him next week in my home country and I have an appointment with the police - have arranged to see a friend after so I can just tell him I'm going to see X. It does mean ds (2years)has to come to the police too with me and dh.

If I tell him he may not believe me, he may go after my abuser (I have reason to believe this), he may feel crushed that all this happened and he did not stop it. He's remarried with a lovely wife, he's retired and settled and my brother has given him grief enough. How can I upset his life.

My therapist says what if this happened to your ds and he didn't tell you how would you feel...

I don't know what to do on this!

That's probably not helpful, just want to let you know you're not alone.

Your dad WillSurviveThis may have always known something was wrong, and may be relieved in a way to be allowed to share the pain with you. Of course that's all a "maybe". If only we could predict how others would react to things!

Mits, your image of the Russian doll is beautiful, and really helps to explain how you are feeling. Also, that like the doll parts of you are hurt or "broken", but there's so much more to you than that - mother, friend, artist, survivor. Etcetera!

Hells...I was in accident when I was 23 and I know it has haunted my Mum that she (in her mind) wasn't there for me. She didn't get to me in hospital for a few hours and she still beats herself up about it.

I think to tell her now, and for her to live with the fact that her 'baby' went through something she couldn't stop or protect me from might be a bit too much, and also knowing that someone that she loves, and in her mind is basically 'OK' was part if it just feels wrong.

I would need to be sure that telling her served some useful purpose, even towards my own healing, as she will then have to find her own way of living with it. My Dad, I don't know. Everything becomes about him and to be honest, he can actually make things worse. Maybe he just tries too hard but I will think carefully about the whole decision.

Willsurvivethis, it is like being in a void and not having anywhere to put the pain and anger and hurt, like carrying the hot potato without the option of passing it on or putting it down. Running helps when I can make time because it gives the negative feelings a positive action. Someitmes fel like I could just keep ruNning and running and do a Forest Gump though....

Iggi, thank-you also. I know there is more to me than these particular layers and I hope I succeed generally in being more than the sum total of my negative experiences as it were.

And I don't know why but sometimes it all gets so overwhelming that I feel emotionally paralysed. It has passed now. I feel calmer and clearer. But it is so scary. I want to be able to recognise it and put things in place to take control, but I just can't and for the time that it lasts... I feel so helpless.

Having DC's has made it real. Maybe that is why it has become so raw.... but I am at least doing something about it now.

Thank you all so much, learning to reach out has helped, not just writing it down, but having someone hear and offer support takes away the isolation.

... xx