Post natal depression is said to affect as many as 1 in 10 women who have had a baby. It hit me about 8 weeks after the birth of our daughter and took me by complete surprise, particularly as I?d had a trouble free pregnancy, and this was a much wanted baby. I had no history of mental illness and never expected or believed I could be one of the 1 in 10. Yet my experience was of a very real and debilitating illness, something I couldn?t cope with on my own, and which needed professional intervention. The experience has left me with a new empathy towards those who go through post natal illnesses and an understanding that this does not mean you don?t love your baby or are a failure as a mother.
I had a happy pregnancy, and was very excited at the prospect of the new addition to our family. I day dreamed of my beautiful baby constantly and immersed myself in preparations for the nursery and home. Having done our NCT antenatal classes I felt informed and prepared for what lay ahead. I had my bag packed at 34 weeks and felt ready. The experience of giving birth was not however how I?d hoped. The birth plan went out of the window as I took every bit of pain relief offered to me. A 22 hour labour culminated in a traumatic delivery involving a 2nd degree tear and haemorrhage which later resulted a blood transfusion. To follow that we experienced a lot of difficulties with feeding and despite desperately wanting to breast feed we were eventually advised that it was a case of either switch to formula, or our baby was to be tube fed. I was devastated to have to give up breast feeding. I sobbed as we gave her the first bottle of formula and felt like a failure.
The early weeks were a rollercoaster of emotions, joys, defeats, ups and downs. Exhaustion set in as we soldiered on through a relentless torrent of feeds, nappy changes, soiled muslins and piles of washing. The lack of sleep was of course, an obvious feature of having a new born baby, but still I don?t think anything quite prepares you for the havoc it wreaks on your mental well being. Just simply functioning during the day became a feat of extreme endurance. Our previous life seemed a million miles away as we felt like we were drowning in chaos and a sea of baby-related paraphernalia.
It is hard to pin point when exactly the post natal depression set in, but it was around 8 weeks when I noticed that despite the fact that our daughter had started to sleep better at night, I began to find it increasingly difficult to sleep. At first it was a case of taking a long time to fall asleep, then it progressed to tossing and turning most of the night then eventually to not sleeping at all. It is hard to describe the intense frustration of being totally exhausted yet being unable to sleep. I would lie awake feeling angry and desperate about not sleeping and guilty for not making the most of our baby being asleep. Sleep became my obsession; I would look at passers by or people on TV and wonder if they had slept well and feel jealous and desperate to sleep like them. I became very tearful and had an increasing sense of not being able to cope with our baby or any of the normal day to day tasks. I went to the GP who ran through a number of questions and diagnosed post natal depression. Unfortunately instead of being the start of my recovery it was the beginning of a whole spiral of problems that eventually led to me being admitted to a Mother & Baby Mental Health Unit.
The antidepressant prescribed by the GP had a very bad reaction with me and I was vomiting almost continually together with an awful feeling of agitation that meant I couldn?t even sit down, let alone lie down or sleep. Needless to say this exacerbated my problem of insomnia. I became even more depressed, and began to find it difficult to interact with our baby. I couldn?t concentrate on anything; even reading a book or watching the TV became impossible. Despite a very supportive partner and help from family, I continued to go downhill. My appetite disappeared, and I stopped being able to enjoy anything ? I couldn?t seem to experience the good things in life such as a sunny day or birds singing ? everything just felt black. Things came to a head when I had a hospital postnatal appointment. So severe was my depression at this point that I could barely speak or hold my head up. The consultant obstetrician was so concerned about me that she sent us over to the A&E department to see the on call psychiatrist. I was prescribed temazepam to make me sleep and was referred to the mental health crisis team who would visit me every day at home. I was then referred to the consultant psychiatrist at the Mother & Baby Unit who prescribed yet more medication. By this time I was on 5 different drugs. On top of all this I started to experience anxiety attacks and needed doses of lorazepam to deal with the panic. To cut a long story short and after yet more deterioration they felt my condition was severe enough to be admitted as an inpatient.
I was very frightened to be admitted to what was essentially a psychiatric ward with a number of very ill people on it. Of course I was one of those very ill individuals but did not see myself at the time as a mental patient. Here I met a number of other mothers some with the very serious condition puerperal psychosis. I spent some of the worst days of my illness on that ward but looking back I am grateful to the staff who were all wonderfully kind, patient and supportive. Thankfully I was able to stay with my baby, as were all the other mothers on the ward. That was a blessing, because in the past women as ill as me would have had their babies taken into foster care. There was a sense of quiet companionship among the women on the ward, a kind of respect towards one another for having gone through something as awful as post natal mental illness. I remain in contact with one of the women even now. I was finally discharged from hospital two and a half months after being admitted.
Thankfully the feelings of warmth and affection for my baby returned as I gradually got better, and I started to enjoy life again. I have started to enjoy being a mother and do normal things again such as going to groups and getting out and about. Some days are still a struggle and I have to keep reminding myself how far we have come. I hate having to take the medication, but recognise that I need to be patient and accept that PND is a real illness which needs treatment. I think there is still some nagging voice in the back of my head that says I should be able to cope or pull myself together, but I need to remember how ill I was and that I didn?t choose to get the illness. To people going through the nightmare of PND I would say don?t be afraid or feel guilty about seeking help, you need to be kind to yourself and accept the support that is available to you. To other mothers I would say be kind to those going through post natal illness as it is not a choice but an awful, real illness that is experienced by many normal women.