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Original poster

Have you been/are you the parent of a teenager with depression?

52 replies

Dumbledoresgirl · 22/06/2009 10:35

Please tell me your experiences. What did you do? Did you approach school or the doctor and what help was offered you? What services are there?

My son (only 13 yesterday) is so miserable right now - has been for some weeks now - and I am beginning to crack myself under the pressure of not knowing what to do for him.

So far, I have met his tutor at school (with him) and tried to understand what his problems are but he was not very forthcoming and nothing he said really accounted for his misery.

He is a very bright, high achieving, excellently behaved pupil in school so none of that is an issue. He has friends but does not see them enough in school as they are not in the same classes as him. I know that is a problem for him but not sufficient to make him as unhappy as he is.

He has started to have stomach aches every day, he never wants to go to school, he says he is unhappy all the time, and this morning he was crying. He is also not eating (eg lunch comes home uneaten although he is mainly eating ok at meals where I am watching over him.

Please advice me on what I should do. Go to the doctor? Ask for an educational psychologist to see him? What happened with your child?

OP posts:
morningsun · 23/06/2009 12:13

Its a difficult one with the GP but at this age they will listen carefully to a parent so don't dumb them down,outline them and see what ds says[have a chat with ds before as well obviously]ds may well try to cover it up a bit[don't we all?].
imo the GP will take note of sleep disturbance and not eating.Does he wake early?

Having said that i don't think it will qualify for a camhs referral,maybe just a chat and go back in a few weeks to see how things are.

minxofmancunia · 23/06/2009 12:34

I work as a nurse therapist in CAMHS and we would definitely see him! Sounds like he has some of the affective, cognitive and biological sypmtoms of depression, I'm a trainee cognitive therapist so automatically think about things in those terms, is he a perfectionist? Does he set very high expectations for himself? Those types of beliefs and assumptions are often linked to depression in young people.

Ask for a CAMHS assessment dumbledores girl I really hope you get to the bottom of this and get some strategies to help.

morningsun · 23/06/2009 12:35

sorry ~ it probably does depend on your area,but not here.

maryz · 23/06/2009 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Dumbledoresgirl · 23/06/2009 16:48

Thanks so much for your responses. Sorry if I don't refer to specific things you write but I am reading everything and taking it on board.

Well, just back from the GP. It didn't start well. Ds is clearly having a good day today (ie went to school without fuss this morning, ate lunch at school). When we got to the GP, he just laughed at the GP's questions and said he was only here because I had wanted him to be here, and there was nothing wrong. I saw slightly red at this point and asked if he was ok, why did he not eat, have stomach aches, cry at having to go to school, etc etc.

So at that point, GP suggested he talked to ds alone which I was quite relieved about as it was really embarrassing sitting there and having ds deny anything was wrong. The drawback is that I have no idea what they talked about - GP did not say and ds is choosing not to tell me - but GP did say he thought ds should keep regular contact with him (GP) and he is going back in 2 weeks, and the suggestion was he would be doing so for some time. Which is quite shocking in a way, as earlier I was worried GP would think I was wasting his time.

GP also thinks I should tell school that ds is now seeing the doctor regularly as he does not think from what ds told him the school is doing enough to meet ds's needs.

So I am left rather breathless by all this. GP did imply ds is not a bad case, but he clearly does see that there is a problem that is more than the usual teenage blip.

OP posts:
maryz · 23/06/2009 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningsun · 23/06/2009 17:55

DDG-well done for following your feelings,which turned out to be right.
It can feel a bit when they speak to drs etc and we don't know exactly what is going on,but its a good thing that he got that chance to open up and is going back again.

Very positive progress I think,you handled it really well

NervousNutty · 23/06/2009 18:33

I think it is a positive thing that your ds is going to be monitored closely, and that the gp took it seriously.

I took dd2 about similar problems today. The doc was a bit wishy washy about it all but did agree to blood tests. I am half hoping now that they do find she is anemiac. She is having her blood count and thyroid checked, plus sugar and liver function.

I think the doctor was very sceptical about it being anything at all, but I know my dd and she isn't right.

I'm glad your gp was on the ball, and hopefully your ds will open up to him and get whatever help he needs.

PacificDogwood · 23/06/2009 20:35

Yes, well done, DDG, for going and seeng doc with your DS. I am glad you were taken seriously and that further follow-up has been offered.

It is sometimes difficult to give help to people who do not want it for whatever reasons, and teenagers can really be their worst enemy as I am sure we are all aware. At your son's age cooperation from him is absolutely crucial and it may take some time for him to be prepared to give it. I hope that you and him like your GP and trust him and keep going back (or if not that dr then another one).
I was keen to say on the subject of counsellors/pychologists/therapists simply getting on with them is so so important. If it came to that for your son that do not dispair if he simply does not like his counsellor or does not get on well with the chosen approach. There are a confusing number of "talking therapies" out there and sometimes it takes a fair bit of persistence to find the one most suited to an individual.

I am glad you do not sound annoyed or like your toes have been trodden on by the fact that your GP spoke to your son on his own. Again particularly for a teenager it is really important that he feels he is being taken seriously as a person. He may well have a completely different take on the situation than you or may not want to say things in front of you because he is embarrassed/does not want to hurt you/is not really sure what is in fact bugging him.

So, yes, well done, you. Hope everything continues to develop positively.

moshie · 24/06/2009 17:01

I don't think my DD ever did come to terms with not being with her friends. They used to meet up at breaktimes at first , but then everyone else seemed to settle into their new groups. It was a very difficult time, she too saw the GP, and was referred to CAMHS.
I wish I'd noticed things were so bad earlier, as you have, and got help sooner.
On a brighter note, DD is working in summer camp in the USA at the moment, so as maryz says, it's hopefully just a matter of getting through these difficult teenage years.

Original poster
Dumbledoresgirl · 25/06/2009 10:11

DS now being an utter PITA and I am the one left feeling depressed by it all. LOL what a trial parenthood can be!

OP posts:
maryz · 25/06/2009 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Dumbledoresgirl · 25/06/2009 14:19

Yes you are right there maryz, but his behaviour is really annoying me and making me less sympathetic to his situation. He has been quite cheerful since seeing the doctor - in fact since before that - so I should be happy about that, but I am finding this teenage temperamentality hard to love.

OP posts:
morningsun · 25/06/2009 16:27

lol they drive you potty but if he's a bit happier give him some space and have a breather!

Yurtgirl · 26/06/2009 18:22

Bump for MrsWeasley

I hope you dont mind Dumble - Mrs Weasley and yourself are having similar struggles with your preteens - I thought it might help to chat to each other!

Original poster
Dumbledoresgirl · 26/06/2009 19:34

My teen is really pissing me off right now. I am so angry with his behaviour. I am happy to talk to MrsWeasley about her child but I am too cross right now to want to reveal how I feel about mine.

OP posts:
Yurtgirl · 26/06/2009 20:10

Oh no Dumble what has happened today?
Tell all do..........

Original poster
Dumbledoresgirl · 26/06/2009 20:21

Oh dear, I don't think I should.

What you have to know is that his depression is just one thing going on with him. Recently he has been winding me up with his silly aggression towards his younger siblings. I suppose some might say that because he is bullied at school, his behaviour towards his siblings is explicable but I don't really see things like that. He has always been very bossy towards his siblings and lately he has been shouting at them and calling them stupid and even putting his hands round their throats - there, I have said it. I am personally horrified that any son of mine could do that. Yesterday I snapped and really yelled at him that if he ever touched any of my children round their necks, he would regret it (I have already planned what I will do - take away his precious Warhammer models).

Today I find he has not eaten any lunch or drunk anything again at school (that had improved this week). He comes home complaining of back ache and headaches - hardly surprising when he has not drunk all day. For all I know he is damaging his kidneys....

He still won't tell me why he is behaving like this though dh has just spoken to him and apparently he now admits he is being bullied by children outside his tutor group (he only admitted to some very mild bullying behaviour from people within his tutor group before). But why can't he tell us this stuff? Why do we only hear little snippets every couple of weeks or so? And why is he so obnoxious towards me and my other children when he knows how it feels to be at the brutal end of a bully's attentions?

I am fed up with it all, I admit it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumbledoresgirl · 26/06/2009 20:24

Reading back, I know I paint a picture of a very troubled child.

But the worst bullying he has described to me so far is being called "Harry Potter" because of his resemblance to that character. It is hardly dreadful stuff. I think ds really needs to develop a slightly tougher skin...

OP posts:
Yurtgirl · 26/06/2009 20:35

My ds is simarly aggressive etc towards me and his sister
He has started swearing and saying deliberately inflamatory things too - to get a reaction obviously but I find it incredably rude and disrespectful. I am wondering how to deal with it tbh.
Discipline yes. But the reasons for the behaviour go quite deep I think.

I can understand why you are really struggling with 'feeling the love' with your ds - It is hard to love unconditionally (even your own child) when the person is such a pita

Hang in there

Yurtgirl · 26/06/2009 20:39

I have just looked at your profile pics - what gorgeous children you have, well photographically at least!
I see what you mean about the resemblance to HP - he could earn money as a lookalike - you could send him to kids parties, he'd earn fortunes!!!!!

Has he got a group of friends who are also dare I say it somewhat geeky intelligent looking?

Original poster
Dumbledoresgirl · 26/06/2009 20:42

Yes you exactly describe my situation with ds1 - yet you said your ds was only 7, didn't you? It is disrespectful and done to provoke a reaction. Unfortunately, I can't hold back the reaction at the moment.

TBH, I remember about 8ish being a difficult age and then it got better again, if that is any solace to you.

My only solace at the moment is that my 11 year old ds2 is showing none of the signs of difficult behaviour that ds1 showed at the same age. People tell me teens don't have to be challenging, and maybe ds2 won't be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumbledoresgirl · 26/06/2009 20:46

LOL fgs don't let ds1 hear you say that re his resemblance to HP. I know he must look like him because wherever we go, complete strangers stop us in our tracks and comment on the resemblance. A group of Chinese women even took photos of themselves standing next to him when we were in Australia! He was quite magnaminous about that at the time, but he hates, hates, hates the comparison being made by people. Everyone (according to him) in his huge school knows of him "The Harry Potter boy". Needlesstosay, he loathes the books...

He has friends, at least one of whom is as bright as he is, but no, I think he takes the prize for geeky appearance.

As a longterm contact lens wearer, I have tried to get him to consider contact lenses to lessen his resemblance to HP but he is a wimp and won't try them!

OP posts:
Yurtgirl · 26/06/2009 20:55

This evening we were having a lovely hug and he said - guffaw "Mummy did you know your rectum is near your bum!!!!!!" guffaw laugh hysterically in my face

Argggh - I know one is a perfectly good word and the other is hardly the worst slang word in the world - He has been told time and time again that I dont want him to use 'playground' words in the house

You are right about the whole aged 7/8 thing - but ds began his mega change into argh behaviour may last year (so age 6 3/4)
He hates school with a desparate passion and I am inclined to think If I take him out and Home Ed him he will be happier and easier to deal with - trial run during summer holidays to see..........

The private chat with the gp is interesting. I understand why you felt utterly humiliated. It was perceptive of the gp to usher you out for a private chat with him. If he wants to see him every two weeks that suggests that a) he is an excellent gp and b) he realised that ds does have a problem c) possibly ds did spill details about something

Yurtgirl · 26/06/2009 20:56

Radical haircut?