Borderline Personality Disorder

[OnTheBorderline]

I posted in chat and was pointed in this direction, really I am looking for other peoples experience of this and hopefully hear some happy outcomes.

I have just been diagnosed with this, it is a bit of a releif but at the same time as scary as hell, I know that it can't be 'cured' and am frightened I might not have the inner stranght to be able to change my thought processes so I can act like a normal person.

I have been very unlucky in life, I don't know whether it is down to me having this disorder or whether the disorder is from my experiences, I suspect it is partly both.

I am having counselling atm from a lovely lady and I know she will help me through this, I am just feeling weird atm, I am happy because I know now why I do the stupid things I do, yet am scared about the therapy that lies ahead, whether I will ever be 'normal'

I rated 'very high' for borderline, and rated high on 4 other disorders (Schizotypal, Antisocial, Histrionic and Dependent)

I feel like a complete fuck up atm, I just want to be normal and have a normal life.

I've also name changed because there's such a stigma surrounding BPD that there's no way I'd admit it to people....

I was diagnosed aged 20, when DD was 1. I'd been a very screwed up teenager, had self-harmed from 16, had a lot of turbulent and destructive relationships, casual sex etc. At the same time I was a very high achiever academically, so as long as I was getting straight As, no-one really worried about what else was going on for me.

From 20-22 I was totally fucked up. Self-harm, suicide attempts, two admissions to psychiatric ward.

I think BPD is a label that people don't react well to in any way. Certainly there's little sympathy when admitted to A&E having overdosed/self-harmed - one nurse left me collapsed on the floor and ignored me, after I'd taken an enormous overdose of pills. Another, more caring nurse helped me back to the bed (I was semi-conscious and totally out of it).

I'd certainly make sure you get an official diagnosis from a psychiatrist. At the same time, even with a diagnosis, there's really very little that anyone can do. Therapy, medication etc only helps some of the time I find. For me, I had to try and make a conscious effort to change my behaviour totally. I haven't self-harmed for around 5 years now, though often it's so tempting. Whilst outwardly, things are far more stable for me, I still have the same thought patterns and negativity that's always pervaded me. Personality wise, symptoms of BPD may calm down over time, especially as one gets older, but they never vanish unfortunately, which is something I'm trying to come to terms with.

Certainly I'm aware of the potential damage I can do to other people. I've certainly hurt a lot of people over the years, without meaning to. But, there is a limit to peoples' patience and I've lost touch with some friends who couldn't deal with me anymore.

In terms of moving forward, whilst reading about BPD can be helpful, it can also encourage you to think a little like a victim, rather than trying to move on and lead a normal life. I know this sounds harsh, but it's something I've come to realise - you have a choice, to a limited extent, as to how far BPD will control you and how far you yourself will take charge of your own life (works most of the time, albeit with a few blips...)

Anyhow, have rambled on...hope this makes some sense...

Hey

Just wanted to try and add a positive slant.

I have BPD and just spent this afternoon giving training to people who work in mental health about BPD and have been offered some more off the back of it!

Two years ago I had just come out of hospital after my second admission in six months, I had to drop out of college and as this was about the fourth time my life had been completely derailed I kind of thought my life was over. I find it hard to even express the crazed level of emotional intensity I was constantly living in and I could barely function.

Now I've just started a job doing consultation with people with BPD to feedback into improving NHS services and also do loads of volunteering which I love.

I think two things have really helped. Being really informed - reading up about BPD and understanding why I am like I am and accepting myself to some extent. Not accepting that it's OK to think I'm worth nothing, to damage myself and be hugely defensive with other people, but that I have very strong emotional reactions and that IS who I am - I just need to learn to deal with that. I am not flawed and it is possible to change. And I have had DBT based therapy which has helped me to work out why I might have developed these coping strategies and how to challenge them or deal with them better.

It can be hard to get support on the NHS but there have been guidelines released early this year which outlines the treatment you should receive and there is an obligation for it to be provided. These are the NICE guidelines for BPD. Sometimes you have to fight a bit for the support - but remember you ARE worth it.

I think a huge factor is whether you think there's a problem and want to change and you definitely seem to be there.

I've also found online peer support to be incredibly helpful - BorderlineUK has some good forums - I felt a lot less isolated just sharing experiences with other people who had been through similar things.

I hope this is helpful and sorry for taking so long to answer you - took me a while to formulate what I wanted to say.

Oh and I forgot to say please get a proper diagnosis from some qualified to do this - I had a very bad experience with a well-meaning but inexperienced counsellor and you can end up with it being a potentially unsafe experience for both you and the counsellor.

And I agree with the poster about me - you can learn to manage it, but you have to decide you are in control and you might need a lot of help to do that.

But you are worth it!

ARGH - I meant the poster above me

Thank you for all your posts, sorry I haven't posted, I have been keeping myself busy (avoident is a trait that I also have) painting the living room and doing the odds and sods that have sat around needing to be done for god knows how long.

I have had a rollercoaster of a week, at one point I really thought what the fuck is the point of living if i can't be fixed, and if it wasn't for my DC and knowing I am the only person that is there for them it probably would have ended in another suicide attempt.

It was when I was thinking about this that I realised I really need to get myself sorted so that this sort of thing doesnt cross my mind again.

Electra, I am the same as you, rather than hurt other people i tend to do self destrucive things, when i used to go into my rages I used to pray to god that i would get some nasty horrible illness so that my family would regret being so nasty to me (which was quite often just me not getting my own way or just being unreasonble)

Once when having an arguement with my mum i just grabbed a bottle of dogs tablets and necked the lot, luckily for me the were just water repressent tablets (but unfortunately i was peeing every 5 mins all night)

When I spilt up with my XP and he found someone else I threw myself into the arms of someone who repulsed me, just because i felt like i had to sleep with someone to even it out.

I always have to do thinbgs to the extreem, having brightly coloured hair and just rebelling in any way.

I spoke to my parents about this in the week after finding out, and they admitted to me that when i went to school, the mood i woud come home in would determind what we would do that day, because the whole household would have to walk on eggshells if i was having a bad day.

I also always seemed to attract the wrong people, which apparently is quite common for people with presonlity disorders, which meant i would get myself into alot of trouble, drugs, being arrested, prostitution, promiscuity, self harm, attempted suicides.

I would always get into abusive relationships and I don't think I have had a healthy relationship to date, I am not going to start any new relationships until I know i can handle it, I used to really push my XP, I wouldn't leave him alone to cool off, and it resulted most times with him assulting me, I need to learn to leave things alone in an arguement...

I am an EX sufferer of BPD!

I received my official diagnosis following psychiatric evaluation by a team of mental health professionals in March 2004 I think it was (2004? I don't know... time flies).

BPD is cureable!

I was lucky enough to be diagnosed in a town (don't wish to mention which one), but at that time "Schema Therapy" was only fully available in Manhatten and here! Schema Therapy seems to involve "fixing" all the bad stuff that happened in your childhood, cleansing your thought processes and stopping you hurting yourself by identifying your triggers and breaking them down.

Schema Therapy was being touted at +/- 3 year's weekly one-on-one therapy when I started but at my last visit (down to 1 per 3 months) my psychologist told me that they've started also using group therapy and have found this is an even better way for people to receive support because apparently we take it better from our peers than our shrink. So maybe down to weekly/2 years? Still, it's a LOT and if you have to pay then it's a B.I.G. investment... and I mean investment - because I can't believe the way my life has turned around. I could not have considered having children earlier in my life - I would've been a horrible mum.

I've participated in research at the hospital where they're researching BPD and its cure/help and I hope that the 4 years worth of prodding/poking and MRIs (abnormal brain activity upon sight of "disturbing images") can help others. I think it can.

My psychiatric team have since started training teams elsewhere in europe and there was a seminar back in November in Galway I think it was.

Don't give up on yourself - I never thought I'd survive, these days people tell me they envy my calm and happiness - I mean of course I have shitty bollocks days and I'm feeling right sorry for myself today... but I haven't binged, smoked, drank, cut myself or been a shitbag to ANYONE and I fully understand now that this too... shall pass.

If you want to ask any info please don't hesitate.