If anyone recognises me please don't out me.
Right I don't want this to turn into an essay so I will try to give the bare bones.
DH was given counselling a year ago for severe depression. Wanted to self-harm, terrible guilt for everything, very miserable. I took him to GP and he got ADs and counselling.
After about a month DH comes home from a session angry at his counsellor because she is putting all the blame on me. One of DH's problems was that anytime he felt terrible he would confirm his negative thoughts by thinking "DW thinks I'm horrible so it must be true". So I reassure him that what his counsellor was trying to do was build his trust in his own self-worth rather than rely on his assumptions about what "DW" thought. I was also constantly refuting all his thoughts and telling him I thought he was a good, kind, generous man. I comforted him and talked through everything with him whenever he needed it.
DH also had problems with repressing anger - it would all come out at me when he was drunk, but other than that he wouldn't even recognise he was angry, but would lash out in other ways (sullen, passive aggressive type behaviour).
Roll forward 6-9 months and I have a very different person to deal with. DH still thoroughly depressed and negative and thinking of self-harm. BUT now also suffering enormous mood swings between anger (always at me) and extreme self-pity. He had become emotionally abusive - if I was sad it was always met with anger; he belittled my need to be sad, told me I was holding back his therapy by making him feel bad, avoided being with me at all, used any vulnerability on my part as evidence of my "fallibility", accused me of lying all the time, wouldn't believe anything I said without proof, told me to think about my responsibility in his pain, and if he asked me to explain why I was so hurt and I wouldn't (because he would get angry or use it against me) then I was being "childish" and "pathetic" and trying to manipulate him
So... unsurprisingly I get ill (did I mention I am pregnant too), and was so surprised when my counsellor (not the same one) was nice to me and said I was justified in all my pain (lovely MNers said the same and I am eternally grateful to them). That I was allowed to be sad and angry and hurt and let down.
I asked DH to move out, he was devastated but we talked it through and he came to see it as a positive opportunity to work on his sadness and his marriage without the day to day drudgery (I took on all of that).
DH became very angry (as I feared he would). Spent all his time socialising, putting his friends before his dcs' visits, drinking when he had become tee-total due to its bad affect on him. When I tried to get him to put his dcs first I was accused of being controlling and manipulative and the more he visibly upset me the more angry he got
He'd been gone a month when he had a last huge outburst at me for not being willing to swap contact days as I had plans (never physical violence I want to stress). But when it peaked he collapsed into tears and I comforted him.
We got talking about his anger and his mood swings. Anyway to cut a long story short all this emerged:-
His counsellor has been encouraging him to be angry and express it, but has given him none of the tools to do so. She has not taught him how to be angry, but has praised him for any anger he expressed.
His counsellor when asked in Jan by him to use CBT techniques in sessions rubbished CBT but said she would incorporate some into sessions - never did.
She told him all his problems stem from listening to me too much and that he must question everything I say.
She told him that my sadness was because of my "unrealistic expectations" of him and completely my own fault. Apparently I keep (her words) "moving the goal posts" so he could never succeed.
She told him that I was blaming him for everything and that I needed to take responsibility for what was going wrong in our marriage.
She told him he needed to break out of the "adult/child" roles we were in, but didn't tell him how he could do this. He thought spending time with his friends and "standing up for himself" (i.e. getting angry) were him taking control and being an adult
She had completely undermined all the trust he had in me and made me the enemy. His paranoia is through the roof as he honestly believed I was out to get him.
So while I was at home being emotionally neglected and abused and not understanding why my DH wasn't trying to save our (previously solid, but now shaky) marriage, she was telling him that his behaviour was right and just and that this was the path to getting better.
Instead of increasing his self-worth and self-reliance, she was attacking my "unhealthy hold" over him.
We talked and we talked and we talked and although I know that she only has his views to work from, and was trying to help him, it became more and more clear that her advice is why my DH became this cruel, uncaring, nasty person.
We both went to his GP yesterday to discuss getting CBT for him. The GP was shocked that his counsellor hadn't provided any and was equally shocked by how long he had been seeing her without any real progress.
On the positive side, he is much more in touch with his emotions now - and he needed to be. She has shown him that his views are important and worthwhile - and he needed to feel that. But I just feel she has done untold damage to this family.
She has actually been telling him straight out how to interpret situations, rather than helping him find his own interpretations. He says that when he couldn't think straight she would tell him what to think - and it was never good for me.
So...
If you got through all that, thank you.
DH is now changing counsellor - although the idea of it terrifies him, because even though he is angry with her he is also completely emotionally dependent on her - and he's getting CBT and anger management.
He is still not living at home because I need to know if this change is temporary or not, but he has started being there for me in the past few days in a way that he hasn't been capable of for a year
Am I right in thinking she did something wrong or is this normal? I am really angry and want to complain to someone, but not if there's no point. I know she has to base her views on what her patient says, but in the early days I know he used to argue with her if she was negative about me and tell her everything I did for him and said to him.
TIA