Anyone else unhappily married, depressed, anxious, isolated, with small children...?

[toddlerhip]

Is there anyone out there unhappily married but financially trapped, socially isolated with very small children and suffering from anxiety / depression / sleep problems? I would love to know it's not just me and to hear your survival/ perseverance strategies?

Our second dc is due in a month. 2 months ago my husband emailed to say he was leaving us and giving me a months notice but my dad persuaded him it wasn't fair.

My husband and i then agreed that he would stay in his current job for 6 months, where he works mostly at home,rather than going consulting as the extra money was not as important as both of us being at home during this time with toddler and baby. Today he announced he has been planning the opposite & is going to start working away all week from next week.

He also said he wont guarantee to be around for the birth (which i'm really worried about) unless i choose a another c-section which i don't want, partly because i am worried about recovery with a 2 year old to look after.

There is no point arguing as it is a fait accompli but I don't dare say anything either (after the initial shock) in case he threatens to leave us again. Also because he is aggressive & quite violent (throwing and kicking things, stamping, yelling) and I am worried he will attack us. He has also threatened suicide. He says he wants me to "nurture" him as a valuable asset. He baits me til i cry and then laughs. He tries to draw me into arguments in front of our son, but i have refused to talk to him unless our son is in bed and so he just gets angry. My parents think he has done nothing wrong and make excuses for him but they never see the way he is at home.

I keep thinking i'm turning corners but it just seems to be one thing after another. I have lots of qualifications and had a good job before kids - i never thought i'd feel so powerless.

I want to just walk out of my life, escape for a while. But i couldn't leave my son behind & anyway, my parents would probably leave messages that he was hurt to bring me back. And at 36wks pg, its not that easy to go away with him. So i feel trapped.

I had a quick google and it is called a Mesher order. Here is a quote from this page about it.

"Does that mean that I would lose everything?
This is not necessarily the case. The court has wide powers in apportioning assets. It could rule that one parent maintains a financial interest in the property, say until the children become independent. When the house is sold, the proceeds, after paying off any mortgage, could be divided as previously ruled by the court. This could be fifty-fifty, seventy-thirty or any combination. This is known as a Mesher order. It could also arrange for a lump sum to be made to one party in lieu of an interest in the property. The court's powers are wide.
But it could also rule that the deeds of the house are transferred in full to one party. When it is impossible to secure any other assets, this is sometimes the only security the court can give to a parent with care of the children, usually the mother."

Maybe you need to speak to a specialised divorce lawyer and see if they can do this for you..i.e. Keep your house whilst the kids are young and get a fairer spilt when you do sell it. Must be worth a try ?

HTH

I haven't read the whole thread but from the first few posts it comes across to me as though your parents view your marriage and your relationship with them as a kind of 'duty'. Your Dad stepped in once to tell your HB that leaving at this time was not fair on you. Your mum expects you to take care of her and her guests. They don't seem to hear that your H is aggressive and intimidating. I am guessing that this is a 'cultural' attitude. They don't seem to be listening to your physical and especially emotional needs at all. I am not surprised you feel isolated.
I agree with others that it would be good for you if your H was away. Aside from the physical struggle with two little ones which you will cope with one way or another because imo women are the strong ones, you can think and plan without having him on your case. Do you have friends who can support you in the day to day stuff and importantly who you can talk to?

Right, I have read a bit more.

He is definitely a hindrance and NOT an asset. He is dragging you down.

I am a single parent since last year with two little ones. It took me a long time and several false starts to actually get the courage and determination to leave him. A big thing was that I didn't want to risk not getting residency of the children. I would never never leave them. In the end I left with them and no it's not easy but it so so much happier. They have a great childminder who they love, we are more 'free' to come and go as we please (not that there were physical restrictions but just comments and looks ifyswim). They don't see their dad nearly as often as I would like them to but sad as I am for them he is responsible for his relationship with his children. Now, I was helped in that I had my own income. I am renting and we are still waiting to sell the house and split the proceeds. At the end of the day it's just a house. I don't know if you are in that position or not but you could plan to.

All this just to tell you that your emotional happiness is worth so much more than hanging on to something that is clearly rotten and turning you into someone you are not naturally (unhappy and depressed). Try not to think of the details as preventative but just hurdles to get over one by one. I still have tons of issues (financial) but boy I laugh everyday

Good luck to you.

Thanks very much babieseverywhere - so the mother might be able to keep the house (e.g. til it's sold later) but will she have to pay the mortgage on it...?

Haven't heard from my parents since my hb said he was leaving from next week to work away. Then they left a msg this afternoon.

Last night hb said he was going to call social services about me(??!!). I think it was just to add on pressure. It worked - i slept 4 hours. He said he wanted to talk to me this morning but i started shaking and crying as soon as he came near me. I said there wasn't anything to discuss. If he was planning to drop another bombshell on us could he just get on and do it so i could get on with addressing it. He said lets talk for ds1s sake. I said if he cared about him he would do as i've asked and not try to talk to me in front of him which always leads to aggro which i hate him seeing.

How old are your kids citronella and do you work? I heard a programme on the radio today where SMs were saying they hadn't expected to feel stigmatised but did. Do you feel that?

My little boy is only just 2 but often tries to pull us both to the sofa to sit down together or hug together which i find heartbreaking. I wonder if i should just try living downstairs while he lives upstairs so we are separate but my sons will see a bit more of their father than if we were properly separated.

The other thing is i wouldn't get anything from the house as it is in negative equity and I put in 10yrs of savings so would leave penniless.

toddlerhip, You sound so upset I doubt your husband will go to SS and if he does they will laugh at him, they are stretched to the limit with proper cases and won't get involved in a domestic argument.

Re. The Mesher order. It seems quite flexible depending on the courts opinions but I have no idea what you might get.

I am just a mum, you need to talk to a specialised legal person. Many lawyers offer a free one hour consultation, worth a try.

Maybe you could stay in the flat and rent the house out or vice versa. Or maybe you could afford to keep the house with your husband paying some of the morgage, you paying some and single parent benefits. Or maybe you can swap morgage to interest only and reduce your mortgage payments this way.

You need to get a legal opinion, please don't feel trapped in a poor marriage because of money.

I think that is right. I spent most of the day looking at car seats and double buggies without him. I only saw him once briefly in the morning and otherwise it was so calm & peaceful: when he is not around i am fine & stop worrying about the baby and ds1 being damaged by the stress. I think you are all right - it will probably be better when he is not there. I keep thinking how i will manage a new baby and toddler on my own but i guess lots of mums manage with many more and it's just a question of trying to work through.

How are things ?

Hope you had fun shopping for a double buggy. I have a Phil and Ted Vibe and I love the lie down bit for a newborn baby. So roadtest one of those if you haven't already

You are in a desperate situation. I know, I was there once upon a time with 3 kids and it's like been caught in a web.You have lost you...through no fault of your own. Your husband is a bully and is verbally and mentally abusing you. You mention you are afraid that he might attack you. He has relinquished his responsibility as a husband and as a father. What a selfish man. Him threatening sucide is just another form of bullying and control. Do not take that upon your shoulders, he sounds too selfish to do himself any harm. And he wants you to nuture him, what an arrogant...I really feel for you. It really sounds like he has already left the marriage, could he be seeing someone else? He is making your life so unbearable so you will be the one to leave and he can blame you then for leaving the marriage. Its a decision you will have to make yourself at some stage, as frightening and scary as that may be. You must be terribly lonely been in such an unhappy marriage. If marriage counselling is an option, give it a go as then you can say you tried all options to save the marriage. It will take time for you to decide what to do. However, you are having a baby soon and with a 2yr old, all your time will be taken up with them. I would suggst that for now and the immediate future, you need to be where you and your kids feel the safest.You need support. Can you depend on him, judging by his history. Sit your parents down and tell them you need their help and support. Tell them about the threatening behaviour, the threats of sucide, the arguments. Don't hide the truth anymore. Move in with them if that is what you need to fell safe. Talk to your doctor. You do not deserve to live like this. You will get through this because you are a strong person, you will gain back your self-esteem and self-respect. You will find you again. With your qualifications and when the kids are a bit older you can go back to work and gain the financial freedom you need. Take it one day at a time. Good luck, girlie.