I dont want MIL touching dd...

[lauraloolajinglesalltheway]

MIL lives in America and came home in September to see dd. I get very depressed during her stay and didnt want her touching my dd.

Dd is now nearly 6mo and MIL is back soon for Christmas week. Already she has made us change our plans to fit her in and I am getting madder and madder about it.

I still dont want her near my dd. I honestly dont know why I just dont want her having anything to do with her.

I mentioned this to my GP when she was back before and he didnt really say a lot.

What can I do? I am loosing sleep at night worrying about her visit.

Wots - I agree you can't 'snap yourself out' of depression

But sometimes you do need to push yourself a bit to access the help you need, or to take the first step to do so

The OP recognises her behaviour is irrational; she doesn't like being like it; but has yet to go and seek advice as to whether this is indeed something more serious than 'MIL issues' (and we don't know that, either)

Having a few harsh words with yourself is no bad thing, IMO, if it means you might start to make changes

Completely agree with Wots, am shocked by some of these responses, especially as I am currently battling a similar anxiety problem and it took me a long time to admit to myself that the way I behave is not rational.

Lauraloola I really think you need to see your GP again, is there a different one you could try? Or what is your HV like?

To all those offering "snap out of it" type comments - please be aware that the OP posted this in Mental Health, not AIBU!

She knows she has a problem, one that she will most likely need RL help to overcome. But in the meantime, surely we can offer some decent MN support?

I think there has been some decent support

OP knows she needs to take this further with professionals

It's not a case of 'snapping out of it' (if you are ill, you cannot) but you can give yourself a bit of a push to get the ball rolling

After all, OP has posted in MH looking for advice... hopefully she can follow this up by visiting a (hopefully sympathetic) GP

Yes indeed NNB.

Gp isnt the best. I wouldnt speak to my HV about my dd let alone this.

I am thinking maybe to just see MIL once on this visit and see how it goes.

Have been thinking about visiting her as part of a holiday and I am not fussed at all about going there. Its just the thought of her being here.

You could ask your GP for a list of accredited counsellors or therapists in your area (you wouldn't necessarily have to tell him/her what it's regarding)

That's if you want to look at the reasons why you feel the way do about MIL and other people's behaviour with regard to your dd. Because it isn't normal. But you know that, anyway

You have recognised your behaviour is not reasonable and proportionate and that is hurting those you love,your DH, and other loving relatives that can provide something special and unique to your child. Please speak to your GP or other health support worker who can help you discover if you are one of the many who suffer with depressive illness after childbirth.

If it's any help I had ishoos with my MIL over the way she behaved when my older children were firstborn. All though my last pgcy I was worried sick about having to go through it all again.

When DD2 was born I felt towards MIL exactly as you describe in your OP. It helped a bit that I'd seen a counsellor when I was pg and had been over a number of concerns, particular the endless visiting that we endured when DD1 was born. I'd also discussed it at great length with DH.

When we saw her I felt the same feelings that I didn't want her anywhere near my baby. It doesn't help that she very much likes to grab a baby and hang onto it, even when it is screaming with hunger.

I put up with it because I could recognise that I was being irrational. It wasn't until DD was about 15 months that I started feeing comfortable around MIL. I even suggested to DH a couple of weeks ago that we go and see the ILs because we hadn't seen them for a while.

I believe it is hormonal and related to PND if not actually PND. Hope it helps to know you aren't the only person to ever feel like this.

I think Im going to see how I am this time. It has really p!ssed me off that she has phoned dp behind my back to change plans that I had made a long time ago and asking him to get me to change times etc.

I am just going to be polite and see her once. If I am like I was last time - Crying all the time and not eating I will get help.

I am hoping I will be better when dd is older and I think alot of it is because she is my PFB and it took so long to conceive her.

Thanks for all of your comments, its good to get other peoples views who have children IYSWIM.

This will not go away without some time and probably professional elp. But this won;t happen in time for this hristmas visit. So I think you need to put some thing in place that will help you cope, will allow your DD to spend time with her grandmother so they can start to bond, and so your DP can see you are trying.

You acknowledge it is not normal to feel this way, so you do need to do something.

Your DD is entitled to a loving relationshop with her grandma. And your baby s also your DP's baby amd he has as much "right" to care for her and spend time with her WITH his mother present too.

Could you go out and have time to yurself whilst they are visitinng. Leave DD with your DP and go and have a massage or hair cut or something, or some retail therapy. Just something that gives you some "me" time but also means that you do not have to sit and watch your DD and MIL interacting. Yes, it will probably be vey hard to do it to start with - but at least you'd be making the effort on your part.

I can see why DP doesn't understand. Look at it from the other side. How would you feel if DP didn;t want your DD to spend time with your mum? Would you stand for it/ What would you do? What would you expect DP to do?

I also think you need help. Go back over the thread and look at the justifications you've given - you don't say she breathes smoke over DD, feeds her gin or smacks her. Instead the worst we have is that she played on your WII, got DD out of a car seat in a house without your express permission, cut your nephew's hair shorter than was anticipated and speaks to her son about her plans. You know this isn't rational.

Only just read this and not read everyone's replies.
I can understand what you mean as I feel a bit like this with my MIL. She's lovely, but can be odd too. I have always tried to control my feelings and allowed her to be 'Grandma' to my Dd, though I'd never want her to babysit Dd.
You sound a little bit like you have OCD connected with your lo, not that I'm an expert, but I have OCD connected to other things(unfortunately, not the tidy one), and your thread rang bells.
It took me 14 years to get my Ds and although he's never had anything to do with his paternal gp's, I've never had a problem with anyone being near him, dealing with him etc.
Not sure what your answer is, but grandparents are an important generation in childrens lives and it would be a shame to deny either party proper contact with the other, so I do hope you can get around this block. kind

Lots of comments here have made me a bit . Agree that 'Snap out of it' belongs on the AIBU board.

OP, you said that it's the thought of her visiting you that makes you most anxious - so have you thought about seeing her somewhere other than your house? Maybe not having her in your territory will be easier for you (and you might feel more secure knowing that you can leave if it gets too much - kicking people out is hard, hiding upstairs is a bit... odd)

Lauraloo

I agree with Axis. Your MIL hasn't done anything terrible.
As a matter of fact, it seems that this started a long time ago if she upset you when you were pg. (BTW, you do know she wasn't being evil by taking her son out when you were pg...?)

Honestly, get some help.

What will you do when DD is older, and she SEES how you are with your MIL, and gets angry with you because you have not let her have a relationship with her Grandmother?

Or when your DH gets mad that he can't go out with his mother who lives overseas, when she comes to visit?

There is alot at stake here.
You have said many times that you are not confident,and I assume you see other women as a threat.
Don't wait - get some help!!

Take Care.

ActingNormal, your post (that I've cut and pasted below) is just exactly the circumstances and how I felt when I had DS. It was a terrible time for me and for my MIL who really couldn't handle that I wanted be the mother to my baby and chose not to wean him at 4 months or use formula.

I think the posters on here who have said, "Snap out of it," are really showing a lack of understanding and totally unconstructive in their approach to the OP. Well done!

To the OP, you know, this feeling will get better and will lessen. Your DD will get bigger and will seem less vulnerable. You will feel less vulnerable too. I promise.

Having a baby is a momentous thing and unfortunately, not all of us automatically and immediately feel the same way about relatives and our DCs.

Your MIL obviously represents something to you that you don't like. Do you feel that your DP is quite deferential to her? Do you feel like you have no say when she's around?

You need to take back charge. It will make you feel a lot better and will improve your relationship with your MIL too. Think of ways that you could tolerate your MIL holding your DD. Perhaps when you prepare her meal. That way it's for a limited time. Or when you have a shower. Again, for a limited time.

In a sense, you must assert yourself and let MIL know that you are DD's mother, not someone to be dismissed and that you are the decision maker along with your DP. Once you feel you have got this into your MIL's mind, you will not feel the anxiety and panic that you are currently feeling. It's a terrible time and awful to be feeling this way. I know exactly what you're going through.

Meanwhile, it's quite important that you try and get some romance back into your life with your DP. It's normal for things to have gone a bit flat after having a baby and it takes a lot of effort to get any spark back. But it is possible. And it is important. It will make you feel loved, alive and cherished.

Bear up and I hope things go really well for you and your DD and your DP.

"My MIL also feels desperate to be needed and in charge, even more. She still treats her adult sons as children and encourages them to think they can't do things for themselves and need her to do it for them. When I had children, she seemed to struggle with not being the No 1 Mummy any more and tried to interfere and take charge and force herself into an important needed role.

I was scared they would take over and take my baby (emotionally) away from me. I knew I would be nervous about my ability to form a bond with my baby and would need time and space to do it and didn't want overconfident people marching in taking the baby off me (in a let me have a go I'll get him/her to stop crying kind of way, or a don't do it like that, I'll show you how it's done kind of way) and making me feel rubbish at it. The mother's bond with the baby is the MOST important thing and should not be interfered with so people need to be aware of giving the mother space."

For what's its worth i believe you are suffering from anxiety and ocd, i have these myself and recognise a hell of a lot of what you say.I had these feelings towards my inlaws, i used to hate the being anywhere near DD, if she she crawled over towards them i would think "for gods sake come away", as if she was in massive danger! I doesn't help that im not very keen on them at all, they used to be pretty rude to me actualy so i justified it that way. In your case i do feel a little sorry for your MIL, but understand totaly how you feel, im still a bit like it now tbh, but not as bad. My anxiety surrounding my daughter was massive, if someone picked her up i used to praticly squirm it made me so uncomfortable. There was no point airing my feeling to my DH, he like many people wouldn't un derstand and would just think i was being a b**ch for no reason. Ive just started on anti ds and feel better already, and yes as someone else mention wine helps sometimes (until the next day)

Good luck

Thanks x

I was thinking of leaving them to it but then I thought 'what if she looks at my photos of dd and takes some'. I am going to hide my photos!

Im hoping that once she is here I will be ok. I am going to stand my ground if she suggests things - Last time she had planned all sorts and then just dumped it on us. I backed out of one thing but let the rest happen. This time it will be different so hopefully she will get the hint.

Sweetheart, so what if she looks at photos of your child or takes photos, she is the childs grandmother. Of coure she wants photos of her.

Please please go and get some help, your behaviour is far from normal.

You do really really need to get some outside help.
The only person who will really end up getting hurt is your daughter.

My father made our childhood very miserable in many ways, so I had more than any reason to keep my children from him. But he was a lovely grandfather and my children adored him and still miss him now he has died.
Your daughter needs the opportunity to be loved by her grandmother just as she is loved by you and your dp.

You need help. This is not normal.

She hasn't done anything wrong; the problem here lies with you, and if you (and more importantly your daughter) are ever going to have a normal relationship with your family you need to address it.

If you had another baby, it wouldn't make things better. Chances are it would make things worse.

Please get help. If your GP is useless, change your GP. If he gives you leaflets, tell him that you need more practical help than that.

You are not only punishing your MIL, you are punishing your daughter - for something they haven't even done. You can't keep on like that.

Laura, people are posting helpful advice here. But you are continuing to post about the things that your MIL does which is likely to upset/annoy/distress you.

WHy don't you reflect on what you can do to try and improve things rather than dwell on what MIL might or might not do to 'wind you up'?

Sorry to sound harsh but you're not really helping yourself by continuing to ponder on these things... you've asked for help on here, got it... now act on it. Good luck

Thanks - NNB you are right. I have phoned my gp and have an appointment next Tuesday so I will see what he says. If its the same as last time I will see someone else.

Thanks everyone. I do hope I can get over this as you are all right that its my dd that will suffer from this x

Fair play to you

Glad you are doing something about this, i had to in the end and am so glad i did. I can understand the photo thing even though i didn't do this myself, it would seem as if they had a part of DD/DS and you couldn't control that.

Very hard for anyone outside of this to understand i know, it must seem totaly crackers!

Keep us posted on how you are gettin on. x

Also remember it's just part of an illness, so try to chill. {An organic illness actualy {which means it's something the body is lacking not the mind, so not a mental illness so god knows why it on mentel health board, IMHO.... xxxx}