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mums an alcoholic.dont know what to do!!she attacked me today!!

37 replies

clairebear2502 · 16/02/2005 17:47

hi my mum and dad split up about eight years ago and she is an alcoholic.(this was part of the cause of the split) howver since then i have tried to help her on numerous occasions yet she wont admit she has a problem. when my dad left the family home he took my brother so every night i was at home with a drunk mother who used to verbally and physically abuse me. i had to try and stop her from going out driving after she had a drink coz she didnt have a clue. also she has tried to commit suicide loads of times.even though she has been so horrible to me i always feel that because she is my mum that i need to be there for her even though the amount of pain she has put me through.
this morning she phoned me at work and was crying her eyes out.i thought something had happened to my grandparent as he is very ill but she just said she was depressed etc. i decided to get her a doc appointment.left work at eleven rushed to pick her up and get her to docs to finally sort this problem.she came out of there saying she had to go back in 2 weeks and takle it from there. we got back in car and she started insulting my dad and his girlfriend.i asked her to stop and keep her opinions to herself and she started hitting me while i was driving.i pulled over and told her to get out and i got a load of abuse and was told you f in picked me up you can f in take me home.i carried on driving and she started hitting me, punching me and scratching me.i pulled over and got out of my car and had to drag her out of my car where she carried on swearing and then decided to bash my car windows.i phoned my dad up as by this time i ws a crying wreck.he told me to go to his girlfriends who lived in the road i was in.i went and spoke to her and she calmed me down but said i might find it easier talking to someone who has been in my situtaion.i was already a member on here and know how helpful people have been in past. does anyone know what i can do as i havent got the energy to keep giving as she wont help herself but just keeps hurting me.

OP posts:
clairebear2502 · 21/02/2005 11:01

i know what you mean.thing is my grandparents moved to wales last year,partly to get away from my mum as my grandpa has parkinsons and is getting worse. they have now decided to move back here i think to be near family and friends again. my gran has alot to deal with as he now needs constant care which is why i feel bad even more
. my brother doesnt tend to get involved anymore, so he doesnt ever get asked to help.
i just know if i say no to them that i wont help her anymore there will be more tension there.but i am sitting here at work feeling like crap and getting the worst stomach cramps which even my tablets arent helping with.
by reading all your advice i think i need to start looking after me and let my mum get on with it.

OP posts:
alicatsg · 21/02/2005 11:39

I do feel for you I really do. BUT (and this might seem mean) why is it you coping? By being the strong one and taking the crap you are also allowing your brother not to do his share. We're all lazy at heart and if we can get someone else to carry the burden we will.

Yes, your family will push back if you say you've had enough - but at least half of that will be that they don't want the responsibility. Yes there will be tension. But you will be in control for once and I think you deserve that.

Be aware tho that you will feel horrible guilt and that its hard to do this. But I'm pretty certain that I'd be as much a drunk/depressive/loner as my mum if I hadn't taken this step. Sometimes you come first.

MrsWednesday · 21/02/2005 11:43

Hi Claire,

So sorry you are going through this. I was in a very similar situation with my mum - she died three years ago and reading your story (and everyone else's) brought all the feelings back. All I can do is agree with the advice everyone else has given - you need to look after yourself first, and let your mum be responsible for her own actions.

There's nothing you can do to stop her drinking, if she wants to she's going to do it regardless. Would also agree that if you can, leaving her to get on with things would be the best course of action. If you feel too guilty to do this, try and do something to make yourself feel better - for example, still visit her but only do it in the mornings when she's sober, do little things to manage the situation (like putting a load of washing on for her, tidy up a bit) but only do these things for YOU not for her. You are NOT responsible for the situation, she is.

My sister and I pretty much left my mum to her own devices in the end. She was determined to drink herself to death (she'd been given a terminal cancer diagnosis by this point, after years of alcoholism and heavy smoking), and it was squalid, horrific, distressing. We'd pop round every couple of weeks (no point phoning as she was always too drunk), sort out bills etc, change the bedding, that kind of thing. We both felt guilty we weren't doing more, but by this point we'd tried drying out clinics, doctors, hospitals, AA, AL-Anon, and nothing stopped her drinking so we gave up.

Your mum's alcoholism isn't your battle to fight, it's hers. It's easy for the rest of the family to make you feel guilty about not helping your mum - easier to do that than to actually help her themselves. It's not your problem.

Big hugs.

You can CAT me if you need to talk.

clairebear2502 · 21/02/2005 11:44

because when my mum and dad split my dad took my brother with him so it was me at home every night with my mum. because my brother never gives an opinion he is the best son in the world etc etc. im the one who tries to help and yes it gets frustrating when she behave the way she does and i do shout at her if she shouts at me. i think out of frustration more than anything else. my bro just keeps himself to himself and hardly ever sees her. no one says anything about that. maybe i can bring that point up if people start trying to make me feel bad.im fed up of feeling like im the parent

OP posts:
Chandra · 21/02/2005 12:05

Clairebear, even though I have not been in such a situation something that makes me realise how terrible this is is How consistent the advice have been. I have never seen a thread where every person who has been there is recommending exactly the same. Hope you manage to detach yourself, but in the mean time many, many hugs. You are a great person and an even greatest daughter, is now your turn of being the first in the queu. Hugs.

clairebear2502 · 21/02/2005 12:13

thanks chandra.just wish it would all go away.silly thing is she doesnt feel like my mum now anway.
thanks for the hugs

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Chandra · 21/02/2005 12:24

Take it one day at a time, don't think in the long term, just think you have to do it today, and then think the same tomorrow again. Hope it makes things a bit easier. HIH

clairebear2502 · 07/03/2005 11:59

well its been a few weeks now since the thing happened with my mum, i havent spoken to her and dont want to.
i went shopping yest and my brother phoned asking if i could get a card for her from him for mothers day, i told him this was quite cheeky and rude as he knows what she has put me through, and if he wanted to get her a card he should do it himself, he didnt get her one
at 5 yesterday afternoon she phoned and left message on answerphone on mobile not sure if she was drunk or not saying sarcastically thanks for card and thank your bro too.
as though we should have gone to some great effort for her when one she doesnt give a t**s about us, 2 she only wants to know us when her friends get fed up of her and 3 she hasnt even spoken to my bro since his birthday , and he'e meant to be her fave as he doesnt get involved and doesnt say what he thinks like me.
i admit i felt bad yesterday as when i was shopping i saw people out and about with their mums but i am starting to feel happier now i have no contact with her, i have my moments but i am getting there.
not really sure why im posting this just wondered if im doing right thing i guess

OP posts:
amynnixmum · 07/03/2005 12:01

If you are happier not seeing her then it must be the right thing.

clairebear2502 · 07/03/2005 12:04

yeah i guess just part of me still feels bad as she is my mum but she just doesnt feel like it anymore or act like it for that matter

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sobernow · 07/03/2005 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alicatsg · 07/03/2005 12:11

yes you're doing the right thing. Alcoholics are utterly self-obsessed because that way they don't have to face the idea of giving up drink. If its always your fault then they can carry on boozing without concern.

Hang in there, it'll be worth it, you'll feel much more in control.

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