Miss my mum

[Missingmymum]

I know there's nothing anyone can do to help but the title pretty much sums it up.

Mum died when I was a little girl. She was one of those mums who just loved being a mummy and was always so proud of us. After she died suddenly, me and my sister who was 14 went to see her body, my brother who was 12 opted not to. Now I wish I'd not gone as it still bothers me to this day.

After my mum died, my dad tried his best but our house was always a dump, my clothes and hair were always dirty and I had few friends. Even now I still feel like the scruffy kid I was then and I hate it. It's not my dad's fault as he was grieving too but he used to get violent with my sister and I always had to be in the middle of physical fights and screaming.

I want to talk to my siblings but my brother can barely bring himself to say my mum's name as he's never really dealt with it and I'm always complaining to my sister and she's on holiday so really need to give her a break. I never really tell anyone how fucked up I feel all the time and how I feel I will never be good enough.

I hate the fact that she will never know her grandson and I hate the fact that I am such a shit mum compared to her.

I can't talk to dh as he gets uncomfortable cos I get upset and right now I just want to smash something I feel so sad and angry. Everyone thinks I must be somehow 'over' what happened to her, like it's a bloody cold or tummy bug that you just get over nd move on from. The problem is I'll never be OK with it. I'll never not miss her and not hate who I am and the mum I've become.

I feel like I just want to cry for years and just not be a mum right now.

I know there's nothing anyone can say or do but I am just so tired of keeping this to myself.

How are you doing Missing? Hope that you get a bit of counselling soon and that you find a way to better accept (in fact, like!) yourself.

Take care x

Hi thankss for still posting! I phoned my new doctor yesterday afternoo and got an appointment for yesterday evening.

I was a bit worried that she'd just not be interested or just try and force antidepressants on me but I was wrong. She was very helpful and was more than willing to listen to me. She gave me a questionaire to fill in about my feelings and how I feel towards ds, which I answered honestly. She said my answers show it's unlikely to be postnatal depression but none the less it does seem that I am suffering from mild depression of some sort.

She gave me some leaflets on grieving which seems really odd that I'm considered to be grieving after so many years.

She's also put me in touch with a team of family berevement counsellors, I think it's run by CRUISE. I am feeling better now I have spoken about it to be honest. Not sure if the counselling will help but I am going to give it a go. Think I might feel a bit awkward at first but it would be silly not to go.

Thank you again for being so thoughtful and talking to me.

That's great news Missingmymum. You should feel rightly proud of yourself for having the courage to go through with it, and I'm so glad the GP took the time to listen properly. The counselling sounds worth a go, and I hope it gets organised fairly soon. In the meantime, keep posting, as I'm sure simply acknowledging how you feel, even in the vague ether of an internet chatroom must be helpful. Still thinking of you.

Everything the others have said Missing! Good luck with the counselling - as Ruby said I don't think that the grief of losing someone ever completely goes away - if you are lucky the raw pain diminishes with time, but I do think that a lot of other factors influence the way you are able to channel your grief even if it remains part of who you are. You should try to think of what a strong person you have become and focus on the fact that you were worthy of your mother's unconditional love when she was alive and just because she is gone does not make you less worthy of that type of love - she would want you to love yourself for her, in her absence, I bet!

Take care of yourself and cyber hugs to you! x

I also think it is much harder to lose a parent when you are a child than when you are an adult (obviously!)

But I think you get stuck at the age and type of grief you felt when you lost them.

My dad died when I was 4, my mum died when I was 42. I still get upset about my dad, and feel sort of lost now. I miss my mum but it is not with that same childish longing...