Awful counselling.....how do you find the right person?

[SunSunSun]

I have been going to counselling for a few months now. I have a lot of issues to get through. I work full time, have 3 school aged children and have a husband who works full time so my time is incredibly precious.

I have been going once a week, for an hour and had to move heaven and earth to clear this space every week (with work, dh, kids, nanny etc.).

Except, the counsellor is hopeless. I'm getting no insights at all. In fact, a lot of the time, we sit there in awkward silence. He spends a lot of time looking shocked at what I have been through (I must admit, some of it is bad) and how I have turned out ok.

He came highly recommended, has a qualification but it is obvious the two of us don't gel and it isn't working. I have written a letter today paying for 2 more sessions (which I won't turn up to) and just making an excuse saying it is too difficult to keep turning up regularly.

But where do I go from here? I can look someone else up on the internet but there's no guarantee they will be good either and it hurts having to tell people what is wrong and then find out it's not going to work iyswim. So I don't want to keep going through this process.

I must admit, I had quite a jaded view of counselling to start with but I really did make an effort because I recognise that I need and probably should talk through a lot of what happened. I am also quite a strong character and I do tend to be quite insightful anyway.

Has anyone else been through a similar thing or have any insights for me?

SunSunSun, I found the guide on the BACP site here helpful in getting me started.

IME - and jeez I saw some fkwits - if you aren't getting on with the person, don't go back; try somewhere else. You need* to feel that you trust them to help you, and you'll know when someone feels right for you.

good luck

Many psychotherapists give their patients the choice of facing them (as in a conversation), or facing away (the traditional image of 'lying on the couch'). The value of 'lying on the couch' is that you are not constantly looking at the analyst's face for reaction/approval/sympathy etc, and can speak in a stream-of-consciousness type of way. Might you be helped by not looking at him?

I began therapy when working in quite a high-powered, responsible job too. Part of the challenge was to learn to make time for myself (by going to sessions even when it wasn't convenient or 'easy'). In some instances I had to learn to speak up and request that meetings be held at times that suited my personal schedule. I won't say it was easy (especially when faced with the dilemma of leaving a meeting in progress in order to make my analysis appointment), but the appointments went some ways toward teaching me that my needs are important too, and sometimes people need to work around me (and often they are willing to, if asked - I just wouldn't have asked in the past).

You sound very busy, but from what you've posted, do seem to have multiple reasons why this process isn't working for you (crazy schedule, expensive, don't like the counsellor, etc). Do you think you might have a different experience if you stopped resisting so much and really threw yourself into the process?

Want to clarify that this analyst might NOT be the right person for you, and if so, you shouldn't continue with him. But only you can say if you are looking for reasons to leave/quit, and blaming him.

no, I really think this is me throwing myself into it. It may not sound like it but it is . I don't think this is me looking for reasons for it not to work because I really really want it to work.

I think I'm annoyed because I SO wanted it to work and it hasn't - also because lots of people recommended him and he cost 50% more than anyone else (so these sessions have already cost hundreds of pounds and it's not like money isn't that tight).

Also it makes me feel that I'm impossible to help. Like my problems are SO bad that he can't cope with them. Although I can talk, I find it intensely personal and just the thought of having to go through the process of finding someone else now is putting me off enormously.

I can see on the BACP link (thanks everyone for the links, laidbackinengland, I'd rather not post where I am but please feel free to CAT me if you like or I can CAT you) a few people in my area so maybe I'll work up the courage to call one in the next few weeks.

SunSunSun I can relate to a lot of what you are saying about your therapy.
I needed someone to say you do xyz because abc happened. I have insight into it because he helps me find it but what does not help me is someone trying to get me to talk myself round to things. I am absolutely amazing at pretending to myself/others that everything ok when its really not and I needed someone to cut through my bullshit and say, actually things are not ok are they? My therapist is very good at that he does challenge my beliefs and actions and I have found that very helpful. TA which I have is also very focused on short term therapy which is nice because its short term but scary because its short term!
I see my therapist through the NHS but I do hope you find someone.