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Original poster

Struggling to let a close friend go

35 replies

Lunalara · 09/10/2025 13:23

Hey lovely people of Mumsnet,

I was close friends with another student on my Masters Course. She seemed very happy with my company, which she expressed the last time we met up before the ghosting. Then out of (seemingly) nowhere, she stopped talking to me. It is up to her of course if she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, but I wish she told me that it was her intention.

Her decision to ghost me has really affected me a year and an half later. I invested a lot into the friendship, and I struggle to trust other people. I don’t have many other friends, and people are generally awkward around me. It is not as though it affects me every day, but I still grieve the lost friendship. Any advice to help me move on/similar stories would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalara · 11/10/2025 11:04

Gabby8 · 11/10/2025 09:46

This is what I think too.

but also you shouldn’t be changing yourself unless you’ve actually done something wrong.

maybe she just found it to intense to maintain the friendship when she maybe had other stuff going on,

Maybe she’s just moved on and found new friends she feels she has more in common with.

I think as well the closure you need has to come from you and your self confidence- why would you want to have a friend that ghosts you.

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Do you think I would know if I did something wrong? My self confidence is really low due to a lot of factors in my life. I will need to have counselling to fix it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalara · 11/10/2025 11:06

paradisecircus · 11/10/2025 09:55

I feel for you OP, this is tough. Yes you've got to let someone go if they don't want your friendship anymore, but it hurts.
I'm not sure her explaining her reasons to you is either a realistic possibility or (if it happened in some form) a good idea. You probably haven't done anything wrong. I hope you can move on and make new friends, and I wish you well.

I struggle to open up and a lot of people aren’t interested in me. Maybe at this age I should resign to the fact that it will be a while before I make friends again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalara · 11/10/2025 11:07

Mushrump · 11/10/2025 09:56

Or it was a situational friendship that didn’t survive the end of the master’s programme. The OP mentions seeing the friend ‘a few months’ before she stopped responding to messages, which doesn’t suggests they saw one another a lot or lived close to one another.

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We were still living in the same area for the year after and both of us were aware of it. Either way, doesn’t matter now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalara · 11/10/2025 11:08

ProfoundlyPeculiarAndWeird · 11/10/2025 10:03

The fact that you are so badly affected by the loss of this friendship (and that you see it in the context of having few/no other friends to turn to) suggests that her reason for drifting away may have been that you were more heavily dependent on the friendship than she was. You may have been a bit too intense for her preferences? Not in any way that you should feel bad about - just enough to generate a natural fading away after the course ended.

I hate this term 'ghosting', which is only a few years old. It seems to have made people think there is some clear protocol to follow when you drift away from someone - an explicit 'closure'. There isn't. Contact just decays naturally.

This didn’t feel the same compared to all the other times I naturally drifted away from people. This time it was very abrupt and seemingly out of nowhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalara · 11/10/2025 12:18

The thing is I am worried about the fact that I am in my late 20s. People don’t seem to want to make friends as much at this age, and the people that I could call friends now is really small. Hence this has affected me so much.

OP posts:
Mushrump · 11/10/2025 12:25

Lunalara · 11/10/2025 11:07

We were still living in the same area for the year after and both of us were aware of it. Either way, doesn’t matter now.

Show quote history

Yes, but how often did you see one another?

Also, gently, you seem to be turning how invested you were in the friendship, and how hard you find it to make other friends, into a reason why she should have remained your friend. That’s really not how it works. People become and remain friends because of a mutual liking, common interests, an enjoyment of one another’s’ company etc. Sometimes these outlast the temporary nature of whatever job/study programme/maternity leave baby group etc that brought them together in the first place, sometimes not. And that’s ok. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t a genuine friendship. They don’t need to last forever to be real. Let yourself be sad, but then let yourself move on.

Tbrg · 11/10/2025 12:35

Lunalara · 11/10/2025 12:18

The thing is I am worried about the fact that I am in my late 20s. People don’t seem to want to make friends as much at this age, and the people that I could call friends now is really small. Hence this has affected me so much.

You are still young. Late 20s you will have lots of future opportunities to make new friends - if you move house, change jobs, have children, go on dog walks, join courses. The future opportunities are endless at your age.
One of my longest friends I made when she was 40 years old (she’s older than me).

WhatNoRaisins · 11/10/2025 12:42

When it comes to ghosting I get that it feels rubbish but I've never heard of anyone managing a good "exit interview" of a friendship that gives both parties closure. I think it's too idealistic to be honest.

OP all you can do is work on your own self esteem and how to improve your social relations. It's anyone's guess what was motivating this other person and I don't think this is where you'll gain insight into what you need for yourself here.

Original poster
Lunalara · 11/10/2025 21:31

WhatNoRaisins · 11/10/2025 12:42

When it comes to ghosting I get that it feels rubbish but I've never heard of anyone managing a good "exit interview" of a friendship that gives both parties closure. I think it's too idealistic to be honest.

OP all you can do is work on your own self esteem and how to improve your social relations. It's anyone's guess what was motivating this other person and I don't think this is where you'll gain insight into what you need for yourself here.

How can I know how to improve myself? Is it just a matter of going to counselling?

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 12/10/2025 06:55

I think it can come from counselling.

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