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Original poster

My ‘friend’ stole my therapist

33 replies

TheRedEngine · 06/10/2025 08:03

I was seeing a therapist, ‘T’ about my relationship difficulties. It is obvious now that these difficulties were caused by the behaviour of a Friend, called ‘F’, towards my partner. But back then I thought F was on my side in a difficult relationship. T knew F was centre stage. My partner wouldn’t let me see F, this seemed controlling.

I saw F. I said I had this excellent therapist and recommended T. I obviously hadn’t thought this through.

Next week I saw T they said they were now seeing F too and thought they had to tell me but that it was ethically OK. I suddenly realised I was not really OK with this. It felt very weird hearing things coming from T that were F’s words. Our 6 sessions ended.

This was a few months ago. I just got back in touch with T seeking further sessions. T says they can’t see me as they’re seeing F.

How did that happen to me? Was this acceptable behaviour from T? I can see they could see that F would be with them for months or years and this would be much more profitable than I was. I now realise I was only there because F had been bullying my partner and indeed me.

OP posts:
ChaChaChaChanges · 07/10/2025 10:23

ProfoundlyPeculiarAndWeird · 07/10/2025 08:17

Make that two bad experiences. Partner and I went to couples therapy. Therapist said they wanted to see just my partner for a few sessions and then we’d go back to couples therapy. When it came to the going back to couples therapy they wouldn’t do it citing conflicts of interest.

Wo0ah! This update in your second post reveals that you have had not just one but two experiences of feeling let down by a therapist because of complexities surrounding a third party. In both cases the therapist was initially happy with talking to both of you, but then had to withdraw from you citing conflicts of interest.

The fact that there are two such instances does seem to suggest that there may be something that you bring to your relationships that is problematic in a particular way, making it hard for the therapist to deal with both you and the other person. In couples therapy I imagine that the decision of a therapist to withdraw from one party in a relationship after speaking to another is quite unusual and must have some sort of explanation.

I do think the therapist who saw both you and your friend perhaps made a misjudgement when she decided to see your friend too. But perhaps she could only see that misjudgement when she began the work with your friend, and saw her perspective on the dynamics of your friendship.

I agree with this - it does sound like OP is at least an element of the problem.

70sMuuMuu · 07/10/2025 10:29

Centuriesahead · 06/10/2025 08:05

It is important that you remain in therapy OP on the basis of this thread

Yuck.

MauriceTheMussel · 07/10/2025 12:54

Nah, your therapist is well out of line.

My friend recommended me her therapist. I’ve been simultaneously seeing that therapist now for nearly 3 years. We’ve never had an issue or a time when I’ve felt the therapist couldn’t hold a firm impermeable boundary. She’s never said anything I’ve thought from my friend’s mouth or perspective.

DiscoBob · 07/10/2025 12:57

You recommended your therapist to her. Why did you do that if you'd be so deeply betrayed by her using them?

If you think all therapists are charlatans then stop using them and move on with your life. And stop thinking about F.

Letmeoutodhere · 07/10/2025 12:58

Trentdarkmore · 06/10/2025 08:08

I'm not sure.
I know my therapist has said she would consider not seeing my friends, as potentially a conflict of interest.

It’s not a matter of ‘consider’ it’s unethical to do so.

YouOKHun · 07/10/2025 13:34

What’s the professional body of your therapist and is she accredited by them (for example BACP)? A therapist can’t always know there are links between clients but I’d expect there to be a therapy contract that states what the approach is to ethical issues such as this pretty common one. The therapist should not be discussing anything with either of you and possibly should be signposting both of you elsewhere as ethical practices trumps income every time.

Doggybroc · 07/10/2025 14:39

I just got back in touch with T seeking further sessions.

good shout given this thread OP!

Original poster
TheRedEngine · 08/10/2025 17:30

Thank you all for your views on this. Some sympathetic, some really remarkably otherwise than sympathetic! Some passionate believers in therapy, some passionate haters of it. It has however all been remarkably revelatory.

The interactions between F and my partner are remarkably similar to this (but obviously not all served up at once, so instead insidious and undermining over a prolonged period of time):

hence the subsequent switch from F to ex-F.

@Lou802 - re your second point; quite possibly.

So several of you are probably right, though maybe not in the way you thought, T has probably seen that F's behaviour as per this clip is such that T is now too conflicted to see me.

One lives and learns! And overall I'm delighted that F is seeing a really good therapist.

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