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Mental health

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Original poster

Missing my mum

40 replies

Pavlovthecat · 23/05/2008 22:43

She died last year.

Have coped pretty alright really.

Today. I miss her. Not sure why now all of a sudden. But in the last two days, its quite strong.

Like I have only just lost her.

I want to give her a call. And cant.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pavlovthecat · 23/05/2008 23:20

Windy . I dont always think of her first thing in the morning. I had just become a mum and that was soooo all encompassing. Even now. The first thing I think of when I wake up is DD.

Often I think I block her out. If that makes sense. When I do think about her, its often too much, and brings up other stuff I dont want to think about, so I push her aside.

Oh that sounds horrible. Its not a conscious thing. Its like I remember her when I am able to deal with remembering.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pavlovthecat · 23/05/2008 23:23

Boys - mum was not there for my wedding. We did a toast. I did not cry. She missed my brother's wedding by 2 weeks. She knew she would miss it. He had brought it forward.

We are not a close family, although me and my brother are closer now. Not in distance tho as he is in Afghanistan! So we dont do family holidays. But I am spending more time with DHs family in USA.

[hug] boys

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BoysAreLikeDogs · 23/05/2008 23:23

Yes, Pavlov, you think about her when it is 'safe' to do so?

I had counselling to help me find ways of doing that, also, not to bore you with details, his last day was horrific for everyone and I had Post traumatic stress afterwards.

Anyway, look it's not about me, it's about you, so sorry for wallowing.

Original poster

Pavlovthecat · 23/05/2008 23:28

Boys - you are not wallowing! You are sharing your experiences, and thats important right? It helps to know that what I feel is ok.

Dr said the Delayed Reaction Disorder was a version of PTS due to my body finding ways of coping with things (my dad died 5 months after mum, had had a baby, getting married, gone back to a stressful job).

Even then, I just put it all down to just finding that too much was going on, rather than grief.

However, I feel much better for talking to you all . Its good to know that these feelings come up out of the blue and it perfectly normal.

OP posts:

BoysAreLikeDogs · 23/05/2008 23:30

It's good to talk

Original poster

Pavlovthecat · 23/05/2008 23:34

Boys - do you talk about him to your boys? I talk to DD about Nana, but I know she will just think of her as some old woman she never knew. It makes me so sad she will never actually know her. My mum was no perfect lady. She had her flaws and we had our run-ins when I was young. But she had a very hard life, and by the time I was 21, I understood her life, and I respected her immensely and she became my best friend. I spoke to her every week for at least 1 hour, usually 2.

I dont even have many photos to show DD of her. Thats a different story.

OP posts:

BoysAreLikeDogs · 23/05/2008 23:40

I do, I have only recently been strong enough to put my pictures of him back up; I pop him into the convo, reminisce about things that DS1 remembers clearly (he would make them porridge and a cup of tea for their brekkie when they had sleepovers there for eg).

It's just that he is merely a picture,not a man with faults and humour, grace and nortyness, an occaisional grumpy old man to them.

Grief is a strange beast.

I do so love my dreams of him, hearing his voice once more.

[another hug]

Windy, and others who have posted, bless you all.

Original poster

Pavlovthecat · 23/05/2008 23:45

Boys/windy and others who might need it...
I should not, as I have been poorly. But I really could do with a stiff drink...have needed it since I posted, but not moved!

Anyone else want a manhattan, seeing as I going to make one?

Boys - you have been a strength

OP posts:

BoysAreLikeDogs · 23/05/2008 23:48

Off to bed my lovelies, sweet dreams all

at Manhattan, am off drink due to diet, but that's for a whole other thread.

Original poster

Pavlovthecat · 23/05/2008 23:49

Boys - sleep well. I shall have a sip for you and your DF.

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windygalestoday · 23/05/2008 23:52

take care you lot - tomorrows a whole new day xx

Original poster

Pavlovthecat · 23/05/2008 23:54

Windy - and its Saturday! YEY!
Hope you sleep well x

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Meandmyjoe · 26/05/2008 21:30

Just wanted to sympathise. I lost my mum when I was 9 so it was nearly 15 years ago but the feeling of missing her and being upset sometimes out the blue are still there.

I felt particularly shitty this week as it was her birthday on 23rd May and no one in my family even mentioned it. We all used to take flowers to her grave and at least phone eachother to see how we all were once we got older and moved out but this year no one even said anything. I text my brother and went round to my sister's house but nothing was said. It feels like everyone else is ready to let go except me. Or maybe they didn't want to mention it incase they got upset or upset me. I don't know!

Sounds like what you are feeling is fairly normal in my experience. It has never gone away and I have never 'got over it' but I do have coping mechanisms and in a way it has become less raw and I am stronger now then I was for the first few years.

I must admit, she's not the first thing I think of in the morning anymore but that is only since ds has been born and I get woken up by a grumpy hungry 9 month old who takes up my entire attention!

It's still there though in the back of my mind, truthfully, I don't want it to be any different, I like the fact that I still think of her and the fact that she is still with me in a way.

Maybe it's just sinking in for you as it is still fairly recent. I still wish I could phone my mum or pop round and take ds to see her. It's hard especially as me and dh live in a house round the corner from the house I grew up in.

It will get easier in a way.x

twinkleymum · 28/05/2008 14:54

Meandmyjoe the similarities between our situations are uncanny!

Pavlovthecat, I lost my Mum when I was 13, I still miss her terribly but I remember her now more often with a smile than a tear. That old phrase of 'time is a great healer' has been the case for me. I still think of her often but it isn't as painful as it used to be, its sad that she will never know my DD and there are times I wish I could ask for her help, but I love remembering times when we were together as a family and know that she would want me to be happy in mine.

A year is very early days, you will always miss her but the rawness of it does get easier x

Sunshinemummy · 28/05/2008 15:05

Hi Pavlovthecat - my mum died 20 years ago in August and I still get this overwhelming grief occasionally.

All I can do is reiterate what others have said here - it is still very early days for you. It took me a good three years and some counselling before I felt anything like normal again. It does get easier with time and you do get the good memories back.

I was adamant that I didn't want to see my mum dead (I was 18 at the time) but my dad kind of tricked me into it. I'm sure he thought he was helping, but for a long time the only way I could remember her was how she looked in that moment. That has pretty much gone now and I remember her look, or her voice or things we did together.

One thing I do do, as I live miles away from her grave and it doesn't mean that much to me as a place anyway, is on special occasions I buy flowers for her and place them in my house. It's just something that makes me feel like I'm thinking of her.

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