Overwhelmed by small embarrassments

[AquaBear]

I would love some advice for how to become more resilient to embarrassment.

I have done a few things recently that have resulted in a paralysing level of embarrassment. For example, I recently accidentally unmuted myself in the middle of a 100+ people company meeting and moved some things around on my desk resulting in around 2 minutes of occasional rustling noises. The speaker was entirely audible the whole time, but I am sure my little square would have lit up green on the screen each time I rustled for everyone to see it was me. I have been totally mortified by this experience and as no one else in the meeting has mentioned it to me I have not had the opportunity to laugh it off. I find that is the only strategy I have to diffuse this feeling of just wanting to fall of the face of the earth and never see anyone again.

I understand my response is disproportionate, but can't seem to stop myself being so self-obsessed and overwhelmed with anxiety over these things. I have tried some strategies like thinking about how I would be thinking if this had been someone else (in the example above, presumably I would have been a bit annoyed at the noise for the few minutes and then forgotten it had happened almost immediately) but I can't get it out of my head that everyone around me is embarrassed for me and will always associate me with this incident.

My husband says it would help to not take myself so seriously, but I have been this way for 30+ years and struggle to know how to snap out of it. I would love to develop some more strategies to help me build resilience to deal with these events when they occur.

Funny that I didn't realise I was continuing my reassurance seeking by posting on MN until I read this! I am desperate for reassurance, but have never really thought about it in that way until now. My mum had severe post-natal depression for the first few years of my life and didn't like to pick me up or interact with me. I have sometimes wondered if my neediness started there.

I am very prone to these types of feelings as well OP, it's awful! About 8 years I replied with a jokey comment to an email a colleague had sent to the whole department - of course I meant to send it to just her, but naturally I ended up doing 'reply all'. When I think about it now, my stomach still drops! But of course I know that none of my colleagues even remember it happening and probably thought it unremarkable at the time. That David Foster Wallace quote above is one I try to live by, but it's hard, especially when your movie-reel of fuck-ups plays as you're trying to go to sleep...

I had not heard of this but it makes a lot of sense! I find rejection or embarrassment almost physically painful and have on a few occasions found it has triggered suicidal ideation. I often can see how my experience of negative emotions seems to be inappropriately intense. I'll do some more reading on this! thank you :)

thanks! that is helpful to know the kind of strategies I might encounter if I go down the CBT route. I could see something like this, where the focus is on appropriate contextualisation, being very effective.

Aw. Yes these kind of attachment issues can often cause problems. I agree with the poster above about exploring rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Suicidal ideation sounds really scary for you. I would highly recommend counselling.

It might help to practise having a wider more philosophical view on the things that make you feel so ashamed.
I mean, start asking yourself general reflective questions like: is it human nature to make small mistakes? Is it common to discover other people felt embarassed about things they'd done that I never even noticed at the time, or forgot soon after? When people make mistakes, is it sensible and compassionate to forgive them quickly and give on?
The answers to these questions are probably yes. Then move in to more personal reflections. Do I want to be a kind and compassionate person? If yes, then start practising compassion on yourself.
If you have DC, ask yourself: do I want them to be confident and resilient people? If you do, start modelling confident, resilient behaviour yourself. Have a little giggle at yourself - not a long or harsh one - about small daft mistakes like unmuting that time in the meeting. Or dropping something in a public place. Find some funny and kind things to say to yourself, maybe: 'Yay! Proof I'm human just like everyone else!'
Or find a way to put perspective and scale what you did by being a bit OTT: 'You tripped up in public again but at least you're not ruining the global economy and starting wars in the Middle East like men with bloated egos do.'

thank you, this is very helpful. I can see this outlook in the people I admire who have the confidence, resilience, and quiet self-assurance that I aspire to achieve. I would love to be a more compassionate person, but I hadn't thought much about how I should practice this for myself in order to also behave this way towards others. I think you are right that if I hope for these behaviours in my DC I have to model them myself. That is a helpful place to start to find the motivation to change, thank you :)