Ds ocd is taking over our lives

[3teens2cats]

At my wits end with ds18 and his ocd. He is on the waiting list high intensity cbt but in the meantime it's impacting every area of his life and now ours too. His obsessions and routines are around hygiene, food and sleep. They snuck up on him because at first we thought it was great he was wanting to take care of himself a bit more but now he eats a totally separate diet to us which is exactly the same goods every day and they have to be weighed do it's exactly the right amount. His bathroom routines take literally hours because had to wash his hands for 2 whole minutes in-between touching anything. He has to get exactly 8 hrs sleep and times his whole day around what time he must go to bed, only because of his food and hygiene routines he frequently goes to bed late which means he gets up late, misses college and starts the day on the back foot. He won't eat outside of the house so that causes no end of problems because he then has to eat his whole days food, which remember is very precise, in the evening. It's exhausting being around him, he barely leaves the house and he's missing out on all the usual stuff an 18 yr old should be doing. I am looking into private therapy. I k know we are enabling him but he's barely functioning and I am terrified of how he will be if we refuse to buy his specific foods or make sure we are finished in the bathroom stupidly early. I just don't know what to do.

Enabling him will make it worse.

I’d be looking at private therapy if you can asap , your poor son sounds like he and you are living a very trapped life.

Is there anything like wearing gloves even disposable medical grade gloves that will speed up the bathroom and eating routines so he goes to bed on time so isn’t late to college ?

I remember reading a thread on here by a lady whose son had severe ocd. She was trying to get inpatient treatment for him. It might be useful to search for. I think the op was a nurse herself

I know that, but it's so easily done when you just want him to be able to leave the house.

Sorry, cross posted. I don't think glov3s will help because he would still be transferring the theoretical germs and wearing glov3s would just become another obsession.

I think that 'enabling' is a strong word when OP is faced with a severe mental health condition like this and looking for some help. Are there Facebook groups that you can join and local support groups? My son is autistic and I found that there was very little formal help and CAMHS are firefighting and it can take months even years to get diagnosis and there was very little help after that. You obviously need to push for professional intervention given the severity of his condition however I would ask recommend Facebook groups and local support groups as great places to share techniques and strategies. They can signpost you to websites and offer a community whilst you and your family get through this.

My son also has OCD, though not as severe, and I have some understanding of how exhausting it can be as a parent.

As someone who has OCD this statement made me shiver

you cannot enable someone’s OCD, as if you’re just supposed to stop them? If my OH were to disrupt any of my routines in order to “not enable me” I would lose my shit. OCD symptoms, rituals and routines provide a genuine feeling of safety even if the person knows it’s not logical, even if they are frustrated by it themselves

I’m so sorry OP, I really feel for all of you. I think it’s worth every penny if you can get him some help, he sounds like he’s really suffering

Why can't you just leave him to his routines. If you only have one bathroom then obviously he can't spend hours in there when others need to use it but he could wash his hands at the kitchen sink. He can prepare his own food. He can be left at home if you want to go out somewhere. I know you want help for him but does it have to impact you so much?

Her son is quite unwell, this sounds like a pretty severe level of obsession

If someone’s DC was depressed you wouldn’t say “we’ll just let them sleep all day, it’s not affecting you!”

Sorry to somewhat hijack OP, I’ve dealt with my OCD for 21 years and get really frustrated by people’s assumptions.

If people don’t know anything about it that’s fine, but please don’t spout any old nonsense about something that is a serious mental health condition

I’m so sorry to read this @3teens2cats
My DS, now 21, developed OCD when he was 15/16 and I can honestly say it’s the most stressful thing we’ve ever been through as a family. I really feel for you.

We found a really good private therapist and she worked on his obsessions/compulsions using ERP, also giving us homework to do with him. The homework was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do for him but it really helped him in the end. It took months but he gradually got better. I always felt that he wasn’t fully recovered after she discharged him but he was at 90%.

A few months ago his obsessions/compulsions started up again and they were every bit as bad as the first time and we’ve gone back to the same
therapist. There’s now a treatment called iCBT which they’re using. We’re hopeful it will help and we see improvements.

I think getting him treatment as soon as you can is key. Please feel free to PM me if I can help.

take care.

Would he consider medication? GP may be happy to prescribe an SSRI which might be helpful. It sounds really hard for you all.

When someone’s OCD routines impinge on other people so much that they have to alter their way of living what would you suggest? For example, should the OP not use the bathroom in order to allow her Ds to be in there for as long as he needs to be? Should she spend a fortune that she might not be able to afford on specific foods?
It’s one thing to tolerate someone’s OCD, it’s a completely different thing to change your life for the worse in order to minimise anything that could trigger them.

I completely agree that it’s an impossible situation. The nature of the comment I was replying to was so flippant that it got my back up, no genuine care or concern just “don’t enable it”. I wanted to give some insight that a passing comment like that is so unhelpful

as I said at the end of my comment OP’s son needs professional help and by the sounds of it the sooner the better. I don’t have all the answers, I wouldn’t have my family waiting by the door whilst I tap everything before we leave if I did

I'm not suggesting that she ignore him or leave him to sleep all day but he is an 18 year old and therefore can make his own food, be left at home when OP goes out, etc. That is not neglect at his age.

OP said that it is taking over her life and from what OP has posted I'm not sure it has to take over her life to such an extreme extent. They have to find a way to manage better whilst he gets some help for his condition.

This is so offensive to those of us with OCD. It's a disability. You wouldn't tell the parent of a wheelchair user not to spend a fortune on accessibility or change their bathroom usage to accommodate them. I hate your use of 'tolerate'.

I know it’s a disability. There is a massive difference between the needs of a wheelchair user and the needs of someone with severe OCD. Anorexia is also a disability - would you advocate that the parent of a child with anorexia go along with their belief that they shouldn't eat? A wheelchair user needs adaptations in order to meet their physical needs.

Of course I can leave him home al9ne and yes he already makes all his own food. It impacts me because I care! College want us to support him to get in. Dh gives him a lift whenever his wfh diary allows. I wish I could just switch off from it and leave him to get on with it but he's still my little boy however big he is and it's heartbreaking to watch. It is annoying to have to fit our own needs around his routines but that's preferable to him kicking off. This is not some teenager tantrum. I will look into online support group parents, thank you whoever suggested that. We will pursue private therapy, I have been looking today. It needs to be someone who has right experience.

I suggested online support groups. Obviously professional and effective clinical therapy is necessary however the MIND website and this one could be useful for tips and support: ocdaction.org.uk.
I used the OCD tips on the MIND site to help my son 'diminish' his intrusive thoughts, we call them 'silly meanies' for instance. There may be some quick wins on there to try whilst you wait for a professional referral. Have a look on Facebook for good support groups.

Is his college putting in reasonable adjustments, as ocd will come up social, emotional, and mental health needs (semh) has he had a referral into camhs whilst he waits for his therapy to begin?
I'm currently supporting someone in similar but more intense situation, and they have been given an ehcp from the local authority as they cannot attend their setting due to contamination ocd.

Thank you. I will check out mind also. We are going out for a family Sunday lunch tomorrow for fil birthday therefore he is already stressed about what he is going to eat and what time we have to leave, what time we will get home. I confess I snapped back that we can't organise it all around him. I feel bad for getting cross, I know it's not helpful. I think, well if I just make sure xyz is okay for him then he'll manage to do abc but the xyz just gets bigger and bigger while the abc gets smaller.

Is he on a high dose SSRI? That will help a bit. GP can easily prescribe that as he is over 18.

Therapy needs to be CBT with ERP and ideally in person not internet.

Definitely look at OCD Action website and helpline and this book might be useful too

www.ocduk.org/shop/overcoming-ocd/

I am afraid it is true that giving excessive reassurance and assisting in rituals will entrench them and make them worse. Try to put limits on how much you do and not let it get more and more which is what tends to happen.

Thank you. That is exactly what has happened. You just want to help him be able to get through the day.

A couple of people have mentioned ssri, no, he isn't. I will discuss this with him. Although he wants to get better, I don't think he realises how bad he is. Medication was never mentioned when he was referred for the cbt.