Should I tell him his actions caused my depression?

[lolit]

I was a lodger and became friendly with my landlord/housemate, even being a listening ear for his relationship troubles and took his dogs on walks and dogsat for him.

On my birthday he sent me a very formal text saying he needs me to move out because his friends asked him if they can move in. So I spent my birthday crying over this. Maybe people won't understand why this made me feel like this, but the best way I can explain is that someone who I thought was my friend acted like I was nothing and just wanted me to get out of the way so his friends lives can be more comfortable (their work is close to his house).

Anyway, I moved out and left some of my stuff there because on the weekend I was supposed to move out I was going on holiday so did not have time to carry everything over. And ever since then he has been messaging me to ask when I will come get my stuff, but frankly I have been so depressed since moving that I lost my job, I'm on anti-depressants and can barely do anything. I really did try to get myself to go and get my stuff but I failed, so I finally just responded simply asking him to throw my stuff away.

He is now messaging me asking if I'm okay and saying he can bring the stuff over. I don't know whether to just ignore him or respond and be honest about being depressed and why. I don't really see what being honest achieves, he will probably apologise, but it's not like apologising will change anything.

If you were in my situation would you reply to his texts or ignore them?

What the fuck is wrong you with you posting those replies anyway? You are completely fucked in the head if you think that's normal on ANY board.

I think respond and say thank you it would be helpful to bring your stuff - as it sounds like it would be helpful and he did offer so why not accept.

Did you fancy him? I’m sorry you are feeling so down but the dots aren’t necessarily joined for us all as to why it has hit you quite so hard.

You need to explain a little more why that event triggered your response.

Why would you suspect that? People aren’t that nasty. He would more likely feel concerned and guilty.

OP I would just reply accepting his offer to bring the stuff to you, and tell him you've been unwell which is why you haven't collected it for which you are sorry.

I do understand how you are feeling, I am very sensitive to rejection as well, but it's not really his fault unless he treated you badly or didn't give you proper notice. I'm sorry you're so upset.

I think if you want your stuff take him up on his offer to bring it round. I wouldn't say anything else, definitely don't tell him about your mental health in terms of him making you unwell. Hope you start to recover soon op. Sounds like you've had an awful time

The event is a disappointment but not unreasonable, tenancies tend to end on a more frequent basis. Is there additional context that is perhaps escalating it?

Have you real life support to sort your possessions as it reasonable for the landlord to have the items returned.

Have you secured your chosen supports, medication ? Counselling? Talk therapy?

I think you saw him as a real friend whereas he saw you as a lodger he was friendly with, so you were more emotionally invested than him.

Thats ok, it’s normal to feel disappointed in that situation but it is a bit of an extreme reaction. Time to really confront those abandonment issues via counselling or reading self help books if money is an issue.

And ask someone else to pick your things up if you really can’t face him. I wouldn’t go into the whys and therefores with him. The situation is what it is. He probably really liked you but his long term friends are more important. This really doesn’t mean you are an unlikeable person.

I don't fancy him.

I guess the short answer why this hit me so hard is that I suspect I have autism and that if I was more chatty and friendly people would want to live with me.

I also have had several experiences like this, where it seemed like people just wanted me out of the way from somewhere I liked living, like I'm an annoying fly they just want to flick out of the way. Including my first boyfriend, who I moved in with and found myself practically living alone because he still clearly wanted to be living with his parents, but did not want to be honest about that.

So I guess this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I understand.

I think then he is just a ( largely irrelevant) point along the way on your real journey, which is with yourself and a possible autism diagnosis.

You can get help with that - the place to start is with a diagnosis. Using other peoples responses to you as a diagnostic tool is leaving you unsupported and flailing in the dark. I’d try reposting and mention suspected autism in your topic. There will be help and support op.

I am on the waiting list to get assessed for autism

That’s a move in the right direction.

In the meantime post with a different title to attract help from people with relevant experience who will support you .

So the arrangements were working for him. Is there particular challenges of living with people that have been identified that perhaps people could make suggestions of how to navigate?

I assume renting in your own is a financial challenge and may not be an option. Accommodation charges have become very expensive.

This

Also this

This. Just say you'd be grateful if he could drop it over as you didn't feel up to collecting it before.

I think you need to bring this situation to a close and move on. Accept his offer to bring your stuff over if that’s easier.

I’m sorry it didn’t work x

I honestly think there's more than this that made you depressed.
Moving house imho is stressful but not enough to make you depressed, falling out with friends is stressful, not enough to make you depressed.
Are you seeing anyone regarding your depression, perhaps it was the straw that broke the camels back.
Let him bring your stuff over. No point in throwing out good belongings.
I don't think you should blame him for this.
Perhaps silently leave his life, and be happy you've nothing else to do with him x

She has explained that she suspects she has autism. She had felt she had behaved in a way that addressed what she sees as her social challenges and it now feels as though it backfired. I guess she feels at a loss as to how to navigate situations.

Whether its a social processing disorder like autism or a childhood experience if misattunement with primary caregivers the recommendation is the same: look for help/counseling/self knowledge by researching your experiences as you understand them and gaining insight.

“He caused my depression” is not accurate and leads to an unhealthy focus on other people’s behavior. There is no where for you to go snd nothing for you to do because you think you “did” whatever you could and it didn’t pay off the way you thought it should. You acted like a friend to him but, as you see it, he didn’t act back like a friend to you by having room in his life for other friends and offering them “your” space.

In a sense thats true—but its not useful. You had s business relationship with a landlord and it ended and you found a new place to live. It didn’t have to knock your confidence so much that you lost your job.

If what you are describing is a fall into agoraphobia snd panic attacks when outside then go to your gp snd get a referral to mh services. Whether you have autism or an attachment issue that has been activated by the seeming loss of a connection with your landlord doesn’t matter. You need help regaining function.