Anyone else self harming in midlife while successful and no underlying MH conditions?

[HelicopterGunship]

I am 50 and have struggled with self harm since I was 11, mostly cutting. It was bad during my adolescence and 20s but abated in my early 30s when I had children. I honestly thought the impulse was gone forever but then in my late 40s it started to reemerge and in the last year I have cut myself twice and hit myself on a number of occasions, accompanied by all the old feelings of anger, self-loathing, self-criticism. I am a very successful lawyer, have happy children and a loving partner. If my friends or family were aware they would be astonished as I am perceived as being very on top of things and high functioning. I have no other MH conditions and am on HRT for peri symptoms. I have a therapist whom I see occasionally but does not have a lot of expertise in this area. Almost all the books and online sources are aimed at adolescents and young people or adults who have other significant MH or substance use disorders. My partner is aware of it but he finds it very difficult to understand and I don't talk about it with him as his reactions tend to make me feel worse. My children don't know although they can see the scars on me (I told them made up stories when they were little about having a very violent cat who scratched me) so they may realise, especially the elder, who is 16.

I feel very lonely and isolated about it and I don't know how to stop or why it has come back again. I have been able to avoid cutting much because I do not want any more scars but I have no idea how to resolve the underlying emotions or if that is even possible.

Anyone else? Or can anyone suggest some resources?

I'm in my fifties and still self harm. But not "successful" in that I'm living on disability benefits due to autism and sometimes depression...

Hi, sorry you’re going through this, it must be so lonely. I think given your successful career and the fact it sounds like everything else is okay, I would research and pay for a specialist clinical psychologist in this area, and maybe find an online forum to talk about this so you don’t feel as isolated.

https://theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/issues/self-harm/

What happened when you were 11?

I like to think of myself as a "functioning self harmer". I am 42 with DH and DD, work etc but sometimes life gets too much and I make a few swipes on my arms. It gets me through the day. Or something. What I'm trying to say is you're not alone.

I'm sure you know the various tricks of red pen, holding ice, flicking elastic bands etc.

Something I used when I was giving up smoking was "wait 5 minutes" and see if I could.

Another thing to try is be curiois with your own mind. If you're in distress, ask yourself why you feel the need. What thought process led to this point. Sort of self counselling.

I suppose one question is do you want to stop?

Also i will say I'm diagnosed Bipolar II so Def do have mh problems.

@PunchyLunchy thank you for the link, I will have a look.

@Eyesopenwideawake nothing specific and it could have been when I was 10 or 12, I can't remember exactly.

@GingerLiberalFeminist I do want to stop as I know it is self destructive. And more so I want to address the underlying feelings. I really am tired of having this voice in my head telling me I'm a bad person.

@Fimbledore I don't want to sound as though I am dismissing people who self harm who are in other situations. It's more that I don't have the sources of chronic stress or anxiety that may exacerbate self harming behaviour such as financial worries, abusive relationships or housing insecurity. Nor is it a secondary symptom of another MH condition, it's just this one troubling thing. 🙁

@HelicopterGunship it's OK, I didn't feel dismissed. I just put successful in inverted commas, because I don't like to judge people as successful or otherwise, and I guess it means different things to different people.
I would start having regular therapy again if I were you. It seems that your possible black and white thinking makes you split off all bad feelings to something you can "get rid of" through self harm.

It's a coping mechanism that you learnt from a young age worked for you. Not surprising you revert back to it at times - maybe you don't even recognise when you're getting overwhelmed? Are you a perfectionist by any chance? Could that be where the self loathing and self criticism come from? No matter how successful you are it's never enough (and never could be)?

Feeling lonely and isolated about it probably increases the likelihood of it happening more - it feeds into the shame and that feeds into the self loathing and that feeds into the self harming. Maybe you need to find a different therapist? It doesn't sound like you're getting very far with the one you have.

You don't have to be in difficult life circumstances to have feelings of stress and distress. It can apparently come out of no where and some people find it really hard to identify the feelings they have because that's not how they see themselves or what they understand as poor mental health . I would go and talk to your GP about this initially.

I would also wonder if perimenopause has started and changed the balance of how you feel and function.

It's an attempt to soothe strong and difficult emotions, for whatever reason you're struggling to emotionally regulate, could be hormonal. It may be helpful to understand where the feelings come from, but then again you may never know and it may not be helpful. There's over 80% crossover in the brain between where we feel physical pain and emotional pain, you'd be likely to treat yourself much more kindly in response to physical pain, so it may be more helpful to think about it like this.

The Body Keeps The Score is good at explaining what's going on physiologically when we feel like this. It's about trauma - you may not be able to identify anything you consider to be trauma, but self-harm is a common trauma response. It may not feel like it at the moment but you can get to a place where you feel the feelings but don't self-harm. For me, just understanding what was going on in my brain and body, and that it was a primarily emotional / neurological response helped me to break this link, especially understanding that it wasn't something I could just think my way out of.

I'm surprised a therapist doesn't have much experience around this, as coping with strong feelings is generally their bread and butter work, the self-harm is a symptom that will dissipate with being able to cope with your feelings. A different therapist might help.

People don't generally start self harming for no particular reason. As others have said it's a coping mechanism - something that you have control over at a time when you can't control what's going on around you. It doesn't really matter if you can't consciously remember what triggered it; your mind knows, as evidenced by all the old feelings of anger, self-loathing, self-criticism - those emotions didn't suddenly appear out of nowhere; you certainly weren't born with them. Finding, and dealing with, the root cause is the best way of stopping those thoughts and consequent actions.

Thanks, everyone. I do understand the psychological mechanisms that lead to my self harming but understanding them on an intellectual level is different from disabling that mechanism. Also I don't recall a specific event that was the first time I did it but I do know the factors that led to it- perfectionism, highly critical and emotionally distant parents, bullying in secondary school etc.

Perhaps it is perimenopause that has started it up again but I tend to think more that it's due to the huge pressure I am under with work, children, aging parents etc. My life is blessed in many ways but it also adds up to be overwhelming at times.

Yes, that would do it. And you're right, logically you know it's undesirable behaviour, but the part of your subconscious mind which believes it's a helpful or necessary strategy predates your ability to think rationally and therefore overrides it. Have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis.

DH tried CBT, but it didn't help. The crisis team recommended EMDR, he had several sessions, and it worked for him.

Sounds like you're blaming yourself because you feel you can't (or don't want to) cope ("be perfect"), where actually it's something that probably nobody could cope with. I have to say, I think midlife has been grim. I also thought I had to do everything, but then I got cancer and it made me completely reassess my boundaries and tendency to just take on more and more. I have had to say no to things, particularly looking after my DM, and recognising that I also need time for myself. Maybe this is what you need to work on to reduce the pressure on you somehow rather than trying to cope with an intolerable situation.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've no words of wisdom, but I can totally relate. I'm early 40s, perimenopausal and have found myself in the same situation as you.

I'm high-functioning and look like I have it all together. In reality the polar opposite is true!

The only difference is I have had depression and I drink a little (OK a lot) more than I should.

I've found the same as you, most information online is aimed at younger people. I've no idea why I harm. I think life overwhelms me.

My therapist didn't know a great deal about how to help, but, to his credit, he certainly did his homework to try to help. For me, delaying works best. I'm waiting to see a psychiatrist. Is that something you could do, on a private basis? It's about a 3 month wait.

I hope you can get some understanding and learn how to control this. I wish you well.

@Mumof381 I'm sorry you are in a similar situation. Why are you seeking out a psychiatrist over a therapist? So they can prescribe medication ?

@SierraSapphire thank you, and you have my sympathy for your cancer diagnosis. I have been trying not to take on so much and to make time for myself to sleep and exercise but it is difficult.

DH is a highly functional self-harmer. Has been since we meet as teenagers. We're now in our 50s and he's never really stopped. I figure it's just a bad coping mechanism.

I honestly didn't seek out the referral. A GP gave it to me unexpectedly. My SH is intense and I can't get a handle on it.

I'm not sure if I'll see it through. I keep allowing myself time to sort this out then I'll cancel.

Keep posting, OP. I hope you can get this sorted.

@Meowzabubz it definitely is a bad coping mechanism although it does work in the moment. I wonder how many of us are out there and if there are any support groups. I have never met someone in real life who also does it that I can trust enough to talk to them about it. I very rarely do see the scars on other people but I have never asked them. I feel a deep sense of shame that I do this and talking about it irl is tremendously difficult. It was a bit easier when I thought I was "over it" but now it is back I can't possibly speak about it outside of a therapeutic relationship.

40 year old, successful professional and a SH-er here too. I go in phases when I do it more or less. I've been to A&E a few times over the last few years but have now got better at having a kit on standby so I can do it safely if I feel the need to.

It's something have done for a long time. It's not the best and I have probably normalised it to an extent. I do have other diagnosed MH conditions although I recognise a lot of what you say around perfectionism and the like. I'm on a pretty good combination of meds at the moment which has helped a lot and it's something I'm open with my psychiatrist about too.

@Mumof381 ok, I understand. I hope you get a handle on the SH. Maybe the psychiatrist will be helpful if you stick with the appointment?

@mynameiscalypso I'm glad you have taken steps to do it safely. what is the reaction when you go to A&E? I haven't really normalised it that much. I have to disassociate a lot to do it and it is only when I am really really distressed. The thoughts of doing it though or the self loathing that accompanies the urge are much more present although not all the time. Although I have never had an eating disorder per se, it also arises when I'm feeling fat or that my body is disgusting.

I actually find SH very frightening and unpleasant when i read descriptions of other people doing it. It's a very peculiar condition that way.

I stopped self harming around about 35, and was fine for a long time, but some of the feelings did come back with the pressure around midlife. The difference though now is that I am able to pause between the feeling and action. The feelings are not my fault and because of the way our brains work I can't stop them, but I do have a choice about what action I take. I recognise that they come from a place of people being abusive to me I'm not acting in my best interests, and a stubbornness that refuses to collude with them and makes me look after myself kicks in now.

You also need some techniques to ground yourself in the moment whilst the feelings subside. I found Irene Lyon on IG or FB to be useful around emotional regulation. As I posted above, understanding it as emotional dysfunction rather than a mental health problem has been really helpful to me too.

Just to add, I wonder whether this works for me because it takes the emotion, the anger, and turns it outwards rather than inwards ("you can all fuck off!") rather than trying to crush it.

@TheKneesOfTheBees thank you for your insight. It does seem more like an emotional dysfunction than more traditional MH categories for me. I have always felt things very strongly but my parents disapproved of emotional expression, particularly my mother. She used to ignore me if I cried or lost my temper, which then made me get more upset because there was no reaction. My parents were never abusive though in a physical sense. I will have a look at Irena Lyon although I find a lot of the somatic therapy stuff hard to understand.